The Tricky Thing About Your Type

“You’re such a classic extrovert…”

“It’s just that he’s a misunderstood introvert..” 

“Here’s the thing about leading creatives…”

“I can’t help it- I’m an ENFP…”

…Maybe. 

In our quest to make the world more concrete through the increasing swirl of input… we sort. In trying to get to our own best versions and figure one another out, we love finding new classifications, diagnostics and ways to look at self from different angles- like holding a prism up to the light in different ways to illuminate all its facets. From the brilliant synthesis of brain research and human pattern-spotting, we’ve now got some great frameworks to simplify our layers and classify ourselves beyond just what we do (like CEO, designer, trainer). We can now describe our talents with more accuracy and depth than ever before, get the ramifications of our thinking styles, and adjust our words to best reach someone’s primary learning modality. This accelerates understanding and progress in teams, relationships and leadership, plus unlocks the door of self-awareness. I use them all the time as a coach. We all should. If we’re careful.

There’s a danger I watch closely every day- in crossing a fine line from understanding to pigeonholing. Case in point is the currently popular label-du-jour of Introvert/Extrovert. Sparked by Susan Caine’s illuminating book Quiet to help us understand the introverted brain came a wave of articles, animations and comparison guides to introverts vs. extroverts all over our media feeds. These are informative, yet also pretty skewed and polarizing in their attempts to show distinctions of type through contrast. This happens easily, even when it originates from the decent intention of increasing understanding. Why?

It’s all in the nouns.

Introvert and extrovert started as verbs- to turn inward or outward.

Creative is still mostly an adjective (as it should be). 

Yet like so many other type-labels, they are now used quite often as definitive tags for people, becoming a whole new class of descriptive nouns… which messes with our thinking. Making something temporary like a behavior (introvert: to turn inward) or fluid like a description (creative: relating to or involving the imagination), into a thing that now is (or has to be) that thing all the time is serious. 

Once we slap a label on ourselves or another it gets dicey. A few things happen…

• The good part- Relief. There’s definitely a validating, reassuring little rush we get when a type fits us so well we want to wear it as a badge. Finally, we’re understood. Somebody gets us. There’s a tribe out there for us. We understand ourselves better. We can set ourselves up with the right fit in situations, endeavors and relationships which complement. We have freedom to be how we are, and clear reasoning for how we aren’t. We don’t have to struggle through explanation of what is just our common sense and the way we experience and see things… we can just point to the profile. Ahhhh. 

• The bad part- Typecasting. Once we’ve got a label, the expectations everyone has of us are hard-set. We’re now defined- period, the end. We get to BE that way, but now we’re required to be that way… which can be pretty demanding in some cases, or stifling in others where we stop pushing ourselves to challenge our own perceived limits. Either situation can narrow our own identity too much to be either accurate or healthy. In coaching countless personality types and learners, I’ve met very few people who are 100% anything, since most of us are much more multifaceted and complex than that. For the few who are that limited, they often have a hard time adjusting to the diversity of thinkers out there (a topic for another day). While we of course have patterns, we also have more facets than we might ever understand through which that light is constantly adjusting. The most extroverted people I know have patterns that look really introverted. The most creative geniuses I know have some very unimaginative output sometimes, yet don’t have the freedom to go there because it disappoints a world expecting their “type.” Leonard Nimoy played Mr. Spock for generations of Star Trek… so much so that it inhibited directors and producers’ ability to envision or cast him as any other character, as he wrote in the aptly-titled autobiography I Am Not Spock. Definitely not what we want to do to one another, right? 

• The troubling part… I barely want to type it, but we also know that labels gone amuck can lead to judgment or exclusion, and then prejudice and intolerance. As soon as we start narrowing our definition of ourselves or one another down to single types or positioning some as better than others (we see some of those outlines in the introvert-extrovert stuff), we’re setting up all the ingredients for “Sorry- we gave the position to an Introvert” or “Oh- you’re a creative? We don’t serve your kind here.” 

So Now what? 

This is tricky business, human understanding of self and navigation of personalities. In all my coaching, facilitation and connecting I’ve found that what we all really want is to understand ourselves and be fully understood and accepted by others. So what starts as a way to get quick ahas about personality can turn into characterization, and then we’re defeating our own intentions. 

Try these to keep from collapsing how we are into who we are:

1. Embrace the adjective. 

We are way more expansive than type-labels as people, so watch how you use the nouns. Describe behaviors as behaviors, patterns as patterns, traits as traits… not as people.  

• “he is very creative…” vs. “he is a creative.”

• “she has some strong introverted patterns…” vs. “she is an introvert.”

2. Get a bigger sampling.

Few people are 100% anything. We are a mashup of a lot of traits, talents, themes and tendencies. I love and recommend the Clifton StrengthFinder, because it gives you a spot-on accurate portrait of your top five talent themes rather than just labeling you as one type… so you can accurately see and understand yourselves and others as the nuanced compilation of elements that you really are. Use this with your teams (friends and family, too), and notice how much richer the conversation and understanding of one another becomes.

3. Think of it all in a spectrum. 

If you’re going to also use “type” tools, realize that all traits are in a spectrum. Introvert and Extrovert are two ends of a particular scale, and most people are ambiverts who have characteristics of both yet slide a little more to one side than the other. So keep that spectrum in mind as you use those adjectives, imagining someone more to one side or another, yet possibly moving around on it a little all the time. 

4. Go for portrait vs. caricature.

We love caricature artists at theme parks because it’s fascinating to see what pieces and parts get exaggerated in how others see us. But it’s a pretty bad way to get an accurate picture of one another as humans, even though we try it when we slap the labels on. To get the real picture, we need all the subtleties, range and cool complexity which create distinction. To get that, keep delving, listening and looking into- then adding layers of unique detail to the portraits we have of ourselves and one another. 

…That’s where illumination and connection happens, and we unlock the facets of our brilliance we didn’t even know were there.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2014

Double-edged...

A long-time coaching client recently told me that his biggest peeve about me as a coach is that I don’t ever just let him be where he is if it’s a negative place.  I always have to turn the conversation eventually to movement somehow-  “so now what…” or “let’s talk about what you can DO with that…” when what he really might want in the moment is to just be in it rather than move through it.  Me doing my job or not?

It’s true- I have a propensity for forward motion, getting people on board, steps toward the horizon, no matter what.  It’s in my language, my patterns, my material, my teaching.  It’s gotten me into immense success and trouble throughout my life so far.  It’s definitely what makes me great at what I do, and really challenging to people in my life at the same time.  A true double-edged sword with really sharp blades on both sides.

I’m guessing that you have some strengths like this too, yes?  What is it that makes you great at what you’re great at, yet is maddening to others?

In StrengthFinder, I’ve got:

Activator • Strategic • Ideation • Command • Relator • WOO • Individualization

How it’s been described in feedback I’ve gotten from others…

The upsides:

• Taking action when everyone else is swirling in the discussion for too long.
• Facilitating other people’s process quickly to get them to move through it to resolution or breakthrough.
• Being able to see the path out of the mire as a guide for teams.
• Having an instinct for the big elephant in the room (or issue/situation), calling it, so all can move on.
• Energizing rooms full of stuck, bored people to inspired action and change.
• Taking groups farther than they’ve ever gone before.
• Getting people to try things they’ve never tried before, and having fun doing it.
• Creating change and possibility where it was needed for a long time.
• Empowering people to walk away feeling that it was their idea all along.
• Turning someone from frustration and stuckness to resourcefulness and excitement about what’s possible.

The downsides:

• Being too reactive.
• And impatient.
• Pushing too hard.
• Not accepting “no” for an answer.
• Moving too fast.
• Being too positive or focusing too much on the positive.
• Always ending the conversation with what’s possible when someone wants to just stay with what is or what their complaint is.
• Being too charismatic (really?) and convincing when someone wants to hold their position.
• Being hard to slow down when I’ve decided to go after something.

Of course I would argue that a lot of those “downsides”-complaints are often exactly what’s needed in a situation, even though they’re uncomfortable for others.  My wiring for unsettledness when I see an opportunity for change I might be able to impact is what drives me. I can’t NOT go there in my head, although I can quell it for short periods of time in my actions or speaking (usually by request of others).  That never lasts very long before I can’t take it anymore, so speak out or take action anyhow.  I also get that this pattern often has clear costs, usually to those around me.

What are your instincts which you can’t turn off, which kick into gear every time?  Have you identified them as strengths? While every trait has an up and downside, finding the way to leverage them as strengths is the key.  

So again, it comes down to balance, intention and acceptance.

I am forever tinkering with the balance of my own actions and patterns.  A self-awareness of my own presence and how it gets on people around me is critical. Some days I’m better at that awareness than others, which has everything to do with my own state management.  Putting the focus back on the others around me and really noticing their responses to my way- both verbal and not (tonality, eyes, facial muscles, blink patterns and movements) helps me to balance my responses.

Are you noticing the responses you’re eliciting all the time, both spoken and unspoken? Choosing next steps based on that response helps. 

Intention is what I always come back to, in order to make the Why of my course clear.  I often state my authentic intention in conversations explicitly (“…I’m telling you this because I’m committed to your success, and I think this will help…”) so that people can trust where I’m coming from.  While this doesn’t always work (if there’s no trust to begin with), it’s the most honest thing I can do, so I keep putting it out there.

People will always make up your intention in their head unless you state it clearly.  If there’s any tension or mistrust, they’ll assume your intention to be negative. Check yours, make sure it’s pure, and state it.

In the end, I accept that my wiring is what it is.  It brings incredible strength and also thorny challenges. While I have no plans to change who I am, I am learning how to also accept that I must flex more than I might want to when my strengths aren’t working for others, and cultivate more patience.  I trust my coaches, teams and trusted advisors to give me the feedback I need to pivot when necessary (though I need to ask for it more).  I also accept that my every action has ripple effect way beyond what I can see no matter what.

So do yours, by the way. As you trust your instincts and choose your actions, accept that you’re impacting more than you know all the time.  Have your fully accepted both the greatness and challenges of your wiring?  What are both sides, and their impact on your world?  

Intentionally or not, who we are, what we think and how we act in moments and patterns- have impact and influence all the time.  The more we put it out there in the world, the more impact it has, for better or for worse.  Who I am, and who you are is both awesome and troublesome- always.  A true double-edged sword with really sharp blades on both sides.

So really self-mastery means learning then mastering dexterity with both edges of one’s sword.  I’m on it. 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012

Talent vs. Strength

Strengths and Talent are two different things.  Strengths are what you do easily and regularly, without thinking about it.  These usually come from talent.  Yet we all have talent that isn’t necessarily manifesting as strength.  It may come out in moments or episodes of brilliance, but isn’t reliably consistent yet. While a lot of my work is in the former, what I’m most interested in is the latter.

Strengths.

In some ways, strengths are the low-hanging fruit of my coaching work.  Most people don’t truly realize what their strengths are, or why they’re so amazing.  We’re all too close to have any perspective on it.  Someone with a strength like being able to establish instant rapport and agreement with others doesn’t really acknowledge it as a strength, because it’s as instinctive as breathing for him or her, yet enviable, difficult and a mystery to another person watching. The groundbreaking work of Clifton and Buckingham in this realm has been a gamechanger for millions- so much so that I require groups and teams to take StrengthFinder as a prerequisite for any work I do with them.  We have to at least surface, understand and leverage what we all do well without effort before we start working on how we can grow in new ways.  Simply getting people to be more conscious of what they already do well as their unique and important contribution, and to confidently leverage it as such is groundbreaking for most people.  That’s also telling about our society-  that this initial work (which seems like it would be quick and easy) is huge all by itself for people.  For adults, some of this is from becoming desensitized to our own strengths. Our instinct, common sense and lens through which we see the world becomes as invisible to us as the air we breathe, and we accept it as “normal” (and therefore not anything worthy of leveraging). Meanwhile, our personal set of strengths is unique from everyone around us (and could be genius to them).  It also has a lot to do with our pre-occupation with what we’re not, and what we should be (“Yeah, but if only I were more X…”), rather than an ownership and confidence in what we are, and how we’re uniquely brilliant- and the value of either. The a-ha that people and teams have when they suddenly see their own talent-strength that’s been there all along under those layers is awesome and empowering.

I do love coaching strengths, yet secretly love and crave more, as all coaches do.

Talent.

Great movies love to depict the classic inspirational story of the semi-retired coach or trainer who comes back into the game to develop a wild, raw undeveloped talent into something solid, something strong.  Million Dollar Baby, The Karate Kid, Rocky, Any Given Sunday, Tin Cup, A League of Their Own, The Replacements, even Star Wars…

There’s something different there- much more intriguing, exciting and possible.  This is why my favorite work is with youth vs. adults- it’s much more about working with the talent itself and honing while exploding it vs. working to clear away the layers of stuff on top of it.

Raw talent all by itself is a different thing- it’s trickier.  It’s less predictable and a little rougher around the edges than a bona-fide strength.  Talents can absolutely develop into strengths through deliberate or naturally occurring practice and investment- think Tiger Woods spending more practice time than those with half his talent, because he gets the deliberate path.  How that talent gets developed is one of my favorite topics to think about, coach and experiment with.  Different personalities need to approach it different ways. An awesome article today powerfully shows how even at the top- among the best of the best of the best in a particular field of talent, this happens differently.

But it starts with one thing, which is the most important part… realizing that you have the talent, then deciding that you want more and are ready to explode it into a strength. Maybe it’s just manifesting as an unsettledness now- pay attention to that feeling, and dig into it a little further. Then find the coach, the environment, the team, the training to shape it.  You can do this, and you should, only because you know deep-down that you can, and if you don’t you’ll be forever haunted by “what if I had…”

There’s one more piece in the getting-your-own-talent puzzle, even though it deserves its own day and post.  Personally, I always come back to the most basic piece in developing talent and reaching mastery in any arena- surround yourself with those who ask more of you than you do of yourself.  That means people who challenge you to not just be happy with what you’ve always done, but pushing you to get better, go farther, dig deeper- all from a true commitment to what’s possible in you because they get your talent.  Of course having a good coach or mentor is important, but it’s just as important to look at who else you’re surrounding yourself with.

Pay attention to your unsettledness, consider your own level of talent and mastery, check out who you’re surrounding yourself with, and start building your strength. It’s time.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012

BEing change vs. LEADing change

“Be the change you want to see in the world…”

While an inspiring (if misquoted) quote and the mantra of change agents universally, there are some serious challenges in the fine print of this theme for some of us leaders.

In BEing that change I want to see in the world, I’m responding, reacting and choosing from that place. I’m getting it done, making waves and causing change. There’s big impact  all the time- directly and in ripples, and nearly always in a good way. From it comes fulfillment for me (and some adrenaline, too) and growth for others.

This is great as a consultant, as I’m often brought in for this very purpose- to offer/uncover/strategize ways forward to shift it all. On it. Got it. Love it.

As a leader of or in an organization though… it’s definitely a bit different.

Modeling the mindset and behaviors you want others to follow is key. And yet, when they are coming from a place of non-change (don’t see the need, don’t want to, don’t have the impulse…) a funky dynamic starts to happen which we can miss altogether if we’re not paying attention.  In BEing the change as a leader, you’re stirring pots, setting the bold new direction, creating the game-changing strategy, challenging the box in every interaction and going out to get the new opportunities for the organization to rise to.

Except they might not.

Here’s the rub- the reason you’re so valued and appreciated (if not also regarded with a dose of discomfort) is because “you are making it happen”- that’s your role- which means that they don’t have to learn how to initiate change on their own.  They can just let you do that scary part, and then step into the opening you’ve created.  But what happens when you’re not there to initiate it?

See if you recognize this pattern… You come in to make change or get things going, you do so full-out, push the boundaries, set new standards and rock their world until “my work here is done” or “I’ve outgrown them” or you’re just plain crispy, and then you move on to another project, place, etc. where they need you more and you can make that big difference.

In your wake, the question remains in each of those places- did you CAUSE change or actually LEAD it?

In causing it, your change-agent way pushes people out of their comfort zone, which can result in a few different  scenarios…
A) It can stick- they love life outside the comfort zone, rise to it, and the whole organization’s pattern and standard for growth changes (our fantasy).

B) It can make them dependent on you manually pulling them out of that comfort zone over and over (tired, anyone?).

C) It can cause them to step out so uncomfortably that they retreat back in when you’re not there, ultimately impacting no lasting change at all (that head against the wall sensation).

To lead change means to influence people to step up and out of their comfort zones, but then to choose to do that repeatedly until they “get” the wonder and possibility of life/opportunity outside that box they were in before.  The test of your impact as a leader should be what they choose to do in the moments when you’re not there to initiate it.

Easier said than done, and MUCH easier to just be and make the change yourself, right?

So the question of the day is… How to LEAD change? Check out Tap Into Greatness and the immersive experiential version too, if you haven’t yet. Meanwhile, start with some awareness. Own the fact that you’re the change agent, and ask yourself what you can say/do/ask to make life outside the box more compelling than in for folks you’re leading. Pose the “why step out,” question in a compelling way, and start getting them to answer it. We all know you’ve already answered the question five different ways in your head 10 minutes ago, which is why they’ll be painfully slow in answering for awhile. Yet until they do, it’s still just your idea and you being the change for them.

So shhh, ask again- a few different ways and really give them some (maybe uncomfortable but necessary) pause to answer it, instead of answering every time for them. Have them imagine and inquire into the possibility on the other side change. They can do this, and want to deep down, or you wouldn’t still be there. Let’s just start with that, and then we’ll build…

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012

Surfmaster

Today was a great learning day because I got to be both a student and the product of a great teacher.

Those of you who know me won’t think that’s anything out of the ordinary, since I’m one who constantly looks for the learning in most every situation, believes that things happen and people are placed for a reason, and defines the value of a day by what was learned.  The tag line on my cards and pens is “learn something” because it’s my refrain for most situations.  Today was different, though, because it wasn’t about me just looking for the learnings within the normal experiences of life- I actually signed up and paid for it.

In the gift of a single day off in Hawaii before teaching a workshop tomorrow, I signed up for a surfing lesson.  Just the idea of signing up and stepping out of my Comfort Zone was exciting to me- yet the experience itself was even better.  In the 90 minutes of my lesson I not only learned to surf, but got to experience and validate what happens when learning is set up to succeed by great teaching.

I arrived to my instructor Richard eager and ready to learn, although a bit nervous.  While I didn’t choose it at the time, this is the ideal combination state for a learner to be in (to a great teacher). Richard expertly read my State and quickly assessed my prior experiences to see what he had to work with, then immediately began to set me up for success.

After some on-shore coaching, we paddled out, and it wasn’t long before I got up and rode a wave on my first try!  As Richard cheered me on I proclaimed, “that was so much easier than I thought it would be!”  His response, “That’s because you have a great teacher, the right board and a perfect day.”  From beach to final wave, that precious 90 minutes seemed to both fly yet be vivid as slow motion. I had great success because it was the perfect formula for easy learning, and Richard was right. . .

While I was hooked from the beginning yet distracted by the little voice in my head doubting my ability and ultimate surfer potential, Richard casually but precisely directed, modeled, set me up on each wave and celebrated every right move I made.  For each wave I rode, he high-fived me and told me how great I was while correcting me simultaneously.  When I fell, I saw the slight disappointment on his face quickly countered with zeroing in on the right coaching to keep me relaxed and improving right away.  I felt his commitment to my success, I wanted to make him proud, and easily listened to him instead of my critical little voice.  I paid close attention, followed instructions and mirrored him as best I could while he found my waves, pushed me  off into them, and I surfed!  With every wave, he steadily decreased how much assistance he gave me until the big moment when he said “I’m going to catch this one too, and ride it with you.”  That was the ultimate moment of proving myself to my teacher and myself-  I surfed on my own next to him, and we celebrated!

I got to have a great, fun, easy experience because Richard deftly modeled great teaching as he…

• entered my world
• earned the right
• tapped my WIIFM
• had a 10 over my head no matter what
• celebrated every success
• checked in with me early and often
• read and managed my State for me
• taught me visually, auditorally and kinesthetically
• pushed me out of my Comfort Zone
• set me up for success!

In my work I’m always in the teaching/coaching position. This I love, do passionately and get a tremendous amount of learning from itself every time.  It’s rare that I get to overtly be on the receiving end of a great teacher, so today was a gift.  I’m now reminded of how much more I need to seek out deliberately being the student.

And now I’m hooked on surfing.  Thank you, Richard!

©SarahSinger&Co. 2010