Uncharted… This moment in Change

The word of the day has changed. It was unprecedented for weeks, yet now… uncharted.

In witnessing the horrific murder of George Floyd, on the immediate heels of Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Rayshard Brooks and too many others… humanity’s threshold for Black inequality and systemic injustice crossed its tipping point.

Philonise Floyd (George’s brother) said, in addressing congress, “If his death ends up changing the world for the better, and I think it will, I think it has… then he died as he lived.”

This many people spanning every state in the U.S. and countries around the world, speaking up and acting in unison, taking on their communities to demand and create racial equality... has never happened before in our history.

This many businesses and organizations of every kind/size, taking a stand to support BlackLivesMatter, publicly committing to being a force for change in structure, policy and influence… is a first.

This is a painful time, our social structures and contracts are being perturbated, and there’s nothing comfortable about it. Yet it’s also awe-inspiring; by every measure we are closer than we've ever been to being able to truly rebuild to equality … yet it's uncharted.

There isn’t a map for us here. Whether you’ve thought of it this way or not, this is a critical moment for you. Whether you intend to or not, you’re playing a role in it. Speaking up is a role. Not speaking up is a role. Listening to understand and find new empathy is a role. Getting defensive is a role. Sharing your raw process is a role. Hiding it is a role. We are outside our comfort zones in a new way, yet again. Now, in these last few weeks, the comfort zones of our worldview and role in humanity have been busted, and it’s pushing us to self-examine in a way we didn’t choose.

There are so many emotions and layers to the shift that's begun, the work there is to do, and the natural confront-or-avoid response it's stirring in us all, publicly and personally. And we don’t get to compartmentalize it.

The natural and physical boundaries we normally heed (and our brains actually count on) between work life and home life, personal self vs. professional self, issues of the world vs. work were already quashed a few weeks into the pandemic (which, among other things-Corona, pushed us to the edges of our coping strategies). And now, being confronted with our humanity, unconscious biases and identity... is appropriately everywhere. Where we once could expertly compartmentalize, we can’t now, and expectations of us even doing so have changed, too; wherever you are in your own process with what’s happening in the world and the shift to dismantle racism and systemic inequality, it matters to people around you, because it informs their process and existence, too. Whether you were ready or not for a forced reflection to really own your self-awareness and possible role in it all, here you are, anyhow, uncharted.

That’s Comfort Zone, busted in yet another way. It's also how we will grow through this. And you will…

We want to do something, so we can feel better as fast as possible. Yet, while individual shift and the process can begin faster than we think, healing and true systemic change will take a while. Especially here in the US, there's so much dismantling, listening in layers and owning-it for White Americans to do... so healing can even begin for Black Americans, and rebuilding a society from equality can happen from a place of integrity for everyone. 

For Black Lives Matter to be a commitment vs. a phase, it requires process, vulnerability, trust, empathy and stamina from every single one of us. You, your teammates, your neighbors and your family, might each be in a different place. It’s more to process (atop pandemic stress and lengthening of life/work from home) than any of us are used to, or have tools to navigate, uncharted. So while there isn’t a map, this is where we each lean in to listen, to learn, to challenge ourselves, to find the words, and to understand in layers.

So… as a leader, where are you in it? What will it mean for you in growth? 

For me as an individual, I’m looking at my own role and process. Out of college I chose to become a public high school teacher on the south side of Chicago, because I wanted to make a difference where it was needed most. Inspired and forever changed by the book Savage Inequalities, (and its author, Jonathan Kozol, who quickly became my idol), I was committed to change the system for the better, and bring a different way of teaching to kids (and communities) who had been written off by economic, educational and racial inequality, separation and segregation. While we didn’t use the phrase Black Lives Matter at the time, its essence is what took me to Chicago, and fueled me and my work every day there for a decade. I worked to understand, to change things for kids (then ultimately teachers, and the education system) there, and open possibility in mindset and opportunity. In that pocket of the world, it changed things in many ways. To date, it’s the work I’m most proud of, and has most shaped who I am and what I believe about what’s possible.  

Yet here I am now, years later, looking at myself. That work on the south side elevated and made the experience and process of education better inside that redlined area, but it didn’t change the “red lines” from existing. Hmm. In my present life, what am I actively doing to intentionally take on or change systemic inequality right here, right now? Have I worked to dismantle institutional bias and inequality around me here, where I know it exists? While I'm vocal when I see racial injustice or intolerance, have I gone after its systemic roots? Have I asked my Black family and friends what it feels like for them every day in this White-biased society, or listened to really understand, let alone listen in the layers and layers it’ll actually take for me to even begin to understand? Have I really considered that, despite my conscious intention, I have biases I can’t even see, and contribute to racism? And the biggest question that weighs on me right now… why did it take this horrific perfect storm we’ve seen in these last weeks for me to be asking those questions of myself and see this gap? There’s no good answer. So…

The 2nd circle of reality I’m creating is this: I am taking this all as a wake-up call for myself. I have an important role as a human to help fix racial injustice and inequality, and as a leader, coach + educator, that role is even more important, right now and right here. I’m in. So right now, I’m reading, I’m watching with new eyes, I’m asking and listening in a way I haven’t before (to understand first, not to fix yet, which is hard), and beginning to start those layers of understanding as an ally. I’m seeing and owning a new facet every day of the bias woven into the structure of my own privileged life, of the lives that others are living right beside me which are not the same, of what I’ve missed. 

This is step one. It’s sobering. And what will lead to being able to be part of the actual change in areas that will best be able to use my help.

How about you? Call it, own it, and let’s do the work.

Meanwhile, the specific tools I share with you in TapIntoGreatness (every chapter is a tool), my TTG Programs and coaching... all apply to your world every day , and absolutely apply right now, too, as you and the people you touch navigate this growth zone and choose how you want to make impact.

Through it all, you have important options and power in the way you can manage and choose your energy, perspective and connection with others, which will shape everything else that happens. The way you can call out what’s actually happening, the way you choose who you’re BE-ing in the process will set both the tone and the bar for everyone around you. The way you can tap into honest, human greatness for your team will influence their experience and their reality… in your work, your team, and your community… yet absolutely in the history we’re making right now.  Although it’s uncharted, change for/to equality is possible. You have more influence than you think, more possibility than you know in it.

I’m with you, I’m committed to your success, and I’m here to help you work through your process as a leader and as a human. Just say the word. 

In my religion, when someone dies we say, “May their memory be for a blessing.” May it be so for George Floyd, and for each of the sacred Black lives needlessly taken. And also… may their memory be for a change.

Your Team's Check-In Can Maximize EVERYthing Else They Do. Actually.

“Is there one thing I could do with my team, to boost/ smooth dynamics, unblock thinking, loosen tension, elevate trust, generate ideas, address issues, improve process and accelerate productivity… all at once?”

YES, there is, and this is the #1 question I’m asked most frequently by leaders. 

That one thing is the Check-In, and I’ve used it five times in the last week alone to help teams accelerate. If you’re thinking that you’re already “checking in” with your team all the time because you talk to one another and coordinate all day long… Well… that’s actually not the same thing.

For efficiency and flow, you need a simple, intentionally-structured check-in process, designed to quickly get straight to what needs to be surfaced for everyone to gather speed forward with clarity and progress. I’ve got options for you….

You already know from experience that you can talk with someone every single day without ever broaching the one thing that really needs to be addressed and could shift everything (let alone all the small things that could be tightened up, tweaked or improved), right? Some people are so confronted by the idea of broaching that “one thing” that they’d rather quit their job than address it directly. So, let’s get the drama out of it, and set you up to easily get things up and OUT, accelerating your team forward with every check-in, yes?

Consider: 

You and your teammates are moving quickly, sometimes in rhythm, sometimes not. It’s easy to assume alignment when there isn’t, to get frustrated about small things, and swallow issues instead of working through them directly. These accumulate fast, and weigh the team down. We see signs: quality of work stagnates as “good enough”; folks going through the motions vs. pushing anything/one to excellence; the team dynamic gets shallow or transactional; people withdraw, playing it safe/small, their emotional armor assembled (“if they’re not going to put it out there, then I’m not either,” says the voice in our heads). In order for you and your team to achieve maximum results and impact, you want each person to be playing full-out, right? That requires a combination of trust and sync with one another, with openness of communication. Research now validates that, across the board, if those aren’t there, people hold back, consciously and unconsciously.  This is the core of psychological safety, which is the single biggest difference in teams that accelerate and thrive vs. teams that don’t. These models will help build it.

First, Own it…

No matter which tools you use to check in, the association and vibe you build into your culture has to be one that keeps things moving; help your avoiders cut right to it, and your confronters to lighten up a bit and keep focusing forward. Adopt and introduce the mantra of my favorite six words…

The cadence here is key… (I teach it with finger snaps to keep it moving) the message: we’re not dwelling on it, but calling it, anyone who needs to own it will vocally and quickly (whatever’s necessary to repair trust, etc.), and we are moving forward, on to the next! Teams love this mantra, because it keeps the somewhat uncomfortable process of talking about what’s not working… moving right along without dragging it out. Like ripping a bandaid off.

ALSO... For any of the tools in the rest of this article to work, you as the leader have to model calling yourself out. You might be used to the role of calling others out, yet we want your team to ideally be calling themselves out, and to do that, they need to see you in full accountability via a little vulnerability (sharing that you’re not perfect) by calling yourself out where it fits, making it safe for them to be honest.

Now, on to the most effective, fastest-moving tools you can integrate into your team’s process… 

1) The Essential 3-Part Check-In

You want your team to be playing full-out every day, with no drama, unspoken funkiness, or repressed upsets slowing them down. Think of this consistent practice as good team hygiene; just like you brush your teeth consistently to keep them healthy, you do this check-in regularly (weekly or monthly) to keep your team healthy. It creates the space for unspokens to get up and out (“so glad we got that called out!”), for progress to be seen (“wow-look how far we’ve come”), and for smart iteration to occur (“awesome idea- this will make a difference right away!”).

How: This is similar to a debrief, yet it’s in real time, as the team keeps moving...

Get the team together. Make 3 columns labeled +, -, Δ

Get people sharing their thoughts by asking the 3 questions about team process:

+ What’s working?

– What’s not working?

Δ   What do we want to change? (in our dynamics, process, etc.)

There are no wrong answers here, and the faster people can get their thoughts up and out, the better. Encourage people to build on one another’s ideas, building the list.

As facilitator, listen carefully to develop a sense of when people need to discuss the points going up, and when they just need to get them all out and up, so you can quickly take action on them.

When: The more you do this, the faster it gets. This can be 10 minutes or 2 hrs, depending on how you facilitate it, and how much is backlogged in the team, which hasn’t been said.

Real life: In the last 10 days alone, working with 5 different high-level teams, this was the process that unlocked things for them and got them productively reset (via me facilitating through a speakerphone). That was just one week. In three decades of helping thousands of teams accelerate, I’ve found this tool to be the singlemost powerful practice for high performing teams.

2) The 3-Part Debrief

Most people know the term debrief, yet few practice it well. High-stakes and quick-learning teams never skip it. Naval Seal teams call it the AAR (After Action Response), and hold it as one of the most important non-negotiable practices of their culture of psychological safety, agile learning and preparedness for anything. The sooner it’s done the better…

After something (like a meeting, a project, a game, a performance, a push, etc.), huddle the team, then use your 3-Part Checkin frame, now a bit differently– this time about how it went…

+ What worked?

– What didn’t work?

Δ   What do we want to change out of this? (that triangle is a Delta sign, which in math means change)

Option: to make it more visual, get everyone over to a whiteboard, make 3 columns of +, –, Δ , and have someone record as the team calls things out.

As the leader, make sure you’re calling out your own minuses right away (“I messed up…”). This instantly opens it up for your team to call and own theirs, too.

The more you do this as practice, people will come to the debrief with pluses, minuses and deltas to share out, and listening open to whatever needs to be said/hear to get better.

At the end, “Awesome… hands in the middle…… GO! “

3) The 3-Part Timeout

If you could stop the clock midway, call out what’s working/not working and adjust to improve things immediately, why wouldn’t you?

Most teams just do the postmortem debrief after something’s done, yet that’s actually too late to do anything to correct or change course in real time, or to get real-time learning from it; so use the 3-point check in midway through a process enables the team to pivot while it still counts! 

How: Similar to the Regular Check-in above, this is the 3-minute, stand-up-huddle version, which anyone can call in the midst of the fray or pressure, bringing the team together to reset quickly on +’s, –‘s, Δ’s.  Call it, adjust, move on! At the end, “Awesome… hands in the middle…… GO! “

I’ve seen this save teams… used in a quick 5 minute break midway through a high-stakes meeting/event, they could laser in to catch key things (good and bad), pivot quickly, and crush the rest of it differently than they ever could’ve without this little framework.

Here, we’ll break away from the 3-Part template, because we need specific tools for specific situations with your team.

4) The Episode Processing Checkin

“Stuff happens,” and people feel the impact. Individuals and teams don’t always have a clean path to process through what happens in a way that acknowledges it and moves them forward constructively and quickly. Having a simple model to facilitate through it easily is gold, and makes the difference between healthy team and dysfunctional team.

When your team has just experienced something big (change, pressure, win, loss)… make it count for something by facilitating constructive meaning out of it for everyone. You can do this with these 4 F’s as your guide. Get everyone in the room, and ask the questions:

1. Facts…  What actually happened?  

2. Feelings… What feelings came up for you? 

3. Findings… What can you learn? Where else do you see this pattern? 

4. Future… What do you want to take away from this or bring into next time? 

You’ve heard of “fail fast,” yet that only works if a fail is processed into a learning, which most teams don’t know how to do quickly or thoroughly. You’ve also heard “celebrate wins,” yet that’s usually just high-fives or happy hour, not also a process designed to transfer the win into more future wins. This gives you a guide to processing both. With it, your team will start actively, vocally learning through experiences together, making faster progress.

*BONUS, if you’re familiar with Circles of Reality, take the team through a Reality Checkin here, getting the circles up on a big whiteboard, and talk them through as a team!

5) The One Word Whip Quickcheck

Sometimes you don’t have time to completely debrief after a great experience with your team. You’ve just finished a process, a win, a day, a week, and you want to give the team some closure, have every person be heard AND facilitate instant processing for them of their experience and meaning making. So…

How: Get everyone together (in a circle is best, so everyone can see everyone else, and they’re not just talking to YOU at the front). Ask everyone to quickly…

“Think of one word to capture this for you.”

(options: one word to capture what you’re taking away from this, what you got out of this, what this means for you)

Then say, “One word from each person… Who will start us off?”

Once the first person shares their word, pick a direction in the circle, and have it “whip” all the way around, each person saying theirs.

No matter what people share… it’s powerful because everyone has a turn and it’s only one word, it pushes everyone’s thinking to rapidly reflect on their experience, check in with themselves and synthesize it all into one word. They then walk away continuing the reflection you began for them, exactly the ripples you want to start. I end every workshop meeting this way; It’s always gratifying for everyone in the circle, often profound, and always a moment of connection for the group.

6) The Daily Standup

Your team, like many, may be dividing and conquering most of their day, not actually working physically together on the same thing at the same time. So… this practice gets a team quickly into one another’s world, and on the same page for the day, so the rest of what they do all day is fueled by an kickstart of connectedness. It also gives everyone a quick visual+verbal+physical start to the day as team, creating mental+emotional resonance for rest of the day. 

First thing in the morning: Huddle the team, at a set time every morning. Whoever’s in the office attends (and all meetings scheduled during that time know that daily standup will interrupt them for just 10 minutes because it’s that important).

Have a standing, engaging agenda, and rotate who’s leading each day. 

Sample agenda: 

1. Burning Issues (anything people need to get up + out for the team to know) “Today’s my birthday!”

2. Move (way to physically + mentally wake everyone up together- could be a stretch, BrainGym or Improv) 

3. Wins (progress made in last 24 hrs) “Our sales are up 5% today!”

4. What/when/where (logistics lineup for day) “Project X is meeting with stakeholders in the space today. Whitney is working remotely today, but is on grid and available.”

5. One word whip (each person quickly picks & says their 1 word for the day, to focus them, fire them up, etc.)   

Now, You…

Healthy, kick-ass teams check in early and often, with process tools like these. It keeps issues cleared out, alignment on track, drama at bay, learnings feeding productivity, and that elusive “team chemistry” actually happening. So can you. You can call timeouts when the pressure is highest– to ensure team momentum, alignment of thought, and approach; you can do it in regular checkins to keeps little issues from becoming obstacles to fast progress, surface essential insights, and pivot to improve the work as you go. This practice will facilitate forward motion for the team, and cement learning, clear out those little things what would otherwise waste energy ruminating and internalizing in the background of their thinking. People hold and replay what’s emotionally vivid for them (good and bad), so now you’ll make sure that all the right things are preserved– keeping what worked so you can replicate it, ditching what didn’t so you don’t repeat mistakes, and declaring what could be different, so you all instantly, intentionally improve.

And now you now have multiple, solid tools to can get your team there, and on their way.

Enough reading… now GO actually check in with your team!!!

That thing you keep calling reality…

What if you could get yourself unstuck when you’re spinning negatively in your head? What if you could reframe any moment of upset almost instantly? Actually, you can do both.

Right now, there’s a complex, lightning-fast little process happening in your mind all the time, responsible for all of your decisions, your happiness or misery, and your confidence, too. Most of the time, we’re unaware of it. But right now, we're going to get it…

First, a reality check. That thing you refer to mentally or verbally as “the reality" of a situation, often isn’t (the reality). What??? Not to worry– this may turn out to be the best news you’ve gotten in a long time. 

You already know that you're not the only one with a little voice in your head, right? That voice can propel you forward or shut you down, and so much in between. Yet, most of the time, it’s doing something much less dramatic– silently piloting you through the hundreds of micro-decisions you make in a day… from conversation to thought to action to reaction. That voice interprets the world to you, to which you respond with action. That works pretty well, except when that interpretation is off, because you're actually a bit skewed, and you don't even realize it. While I am a big fan of trusting one's gut and the true art of honing your intuition, there are also times when your “gut” confuses things, and actually mightbe flat-out wrong. 

Quick, real-life example:  

In most instances (especially interacting with other people), we’d usually just think of those 2 circles above as links in a chain of incident-and-meaning timeline to explain the reality of how things are. Yet occasionally, new information comes in, and happily busts the reality we’re operating under. In this case, I heard from that colleague more than a month later, in which they gave me an AWESOME cover quote for my book, and apologized for being so delayed, as they were out of the country that whole time on holiday. "Reality" busted! (in a really good way) 

Sometimes we need to pause our reactive minds before assigning meaning to things, especially when we're going negative or self-critical (the times we're most prone to skew the meaning we assign).

Welcome to what I call Circles of Reality. It's a constant dynamic in our heads, officially called the perception process, and has been studied by social scientists for decades, who refer to these two things as first order reality vs. second order reality. In our time on it here, this is a tool which is going to save you hours of energy, otherwise wasted...

In any moment, here’s what’s actually happening: 

Makes sense that these circles collapse into what we consider "reality"... yet it's got issues.

Simply put, Circle #1 is objectively, physically observable facts... what happened. Circle #2 is constructed in our minds, the meaning we create/assign to what happened. Usually this works out great:

Circle #1: I'm in a meeting with colleagues and superiors, and a colleague asks if I can, spontaneously, present a full pitch of a new idea I quickly mentioned to him earlier that day. 

Circle #2: I take this as a huge vote of confidence from my colleague, creating an opportunity for me to show my work. (so I do, and crush it)

You can see how that would've gone very differently if my circle #2 was different, like: I take this as a intentional setup from my colleague to fluster me; to make me look both bad and unprepared in front of the team. 

Sometimes it’s benign, and we don't even notice... 

Circle #1:  someone cuts you off while you're driving on the highway

Circle #2: you instantly conclude “That person’s a complete idiot!” (and are retriggered in annoyance/anger every time you get near them in the rest of your 20 minute commute). 

Hmm.. is that person actually an idiot? Similarly, was that admired author really avoiding me because of my writing?  Nope. In both cases, that’s just our mind, creating stories of meaning, and allowing them to collapse into what we then hold as “reality.” Not good. So…

Take Control of Your Reality

99% of the upsets I coach clients through have to do with these circles collapsing into sometime unproductive. The first step is to separate the circles apart. 

To best get the power of this, think right now, of something in your immediate world/interactions, that’s occurred or is bugging you (any moment ranging from irritated/judging to full-on shutting down/acting out). Let’s deconstruct it.

Grab something to write on/with for this. That’s actually critical, because it will get your thoughts into concrete visual form, where they’re much easier to work with and pin down than just swirling about in your mind, where they're slippery. Next…

Draw two circles.  Then: 

1. Label the 1st circle with what actually occurred (no interpretation- just behavioral, fly-on-the-wall reporting of occurrence).

2. Label the 2nd circle with what you’ve made it mean, getting all of the story you’ve created in your head out onto that circle.

Now that those circles are separated, consider: 

Which circle causes the most drama, upset, and concern? 

Answer: Circle #2. 

Which circle do we have the most control over? 

Answer: Circle #2. 

Hmm. So the one that’s causing the most upset is also the one we actually can control? Yep. Hence the conflicting complexity yet beauty of being human. This is what separates us from other species on the planet- our ability to interpret, discern, make meaning, and choose our perception in this way. Why?

Because Circle #2 is your story. You made it up based on our internal operating system (our filter) and the narration of that little voice in our head. Yet, no matter how much justification for that meaning/story of Circle #2, you don’t actually know it to be fact (otherwise it would be in Circle #1). Stories are powerful, and as soon as we create them, we tend to believe them, trust them (“trusting one’s gut”), and expand them, swelling that 2nd circle to be much bigger and more powerful than the 1st circle. Then, as those circles collapse together in our working memory of the event, we seal our operating “reality.” 

Yet actually...  it’s really mostly story. Alternate stories could be equally plausible, causing you to see things completely differently, yet we usually don’t go there. We stick with the most compelling, most emotional story, because it's usually strongest (emotions usually win the influence game in our heads).

The power of gaining perspective really comes down to being able to step outside yourself, gain a bit of distance or vantage point, and see the picture differently. When you’re in that 2nd circle of negativity, you don’t even see it, because you have no perspective on yourself or the skewed reality you’re allowing to derail or upset you. 

So now, you can manually get perspective, and interrupt that pattern… 

3. Now draw a 3rd circle. Ask yourself, “What’s another story I could make up about what this means?” Write that interpretation in the 3rd circle.

4. Draw a 4th circle. Ask yourself “What’s a completely opposite story/meaning than the ones I have so far?” Even if it seems ridiculously farfetched, write that story in the 4th circle. If needed, draw a 5th, 6th, etc. circle to get all of the meanings you're making in your mind OUT, and get to one that's healthy.

The key here is perspective- it's not about spinning it into something positive or giving in to those worst-case-scenario fears in your head... get ALL of those out into alternate circles, plus a few less dramatic versions in between, so you can see them all in perspective, and choose one. 

Keep reminding yourself that you don’t know (like with objective, concrete, observable proof) that any of these stories are the truth, so they’re all plausible. Even the ridiculous ones. 

Create concrete alternate circles/stories until you feel a positive shift; that’s your perception of the  situation actually changing. The magic of perspective: With each alternate story you create, the original upset and attachment you had to that 2nd circle (which was controlling you a few minutes ago) starts to lessen a bit. 

Sometimes you'll only need to get to the 3rd circle for that shift, sometimes it could take 10 circles (my personal record), which is fine. 

5. Finally, look at all of the circles of story you’ve come up with, and ask yourself, “Since I don’t know any of these to be truth, what’s the healthiest version of this for me to hold as my operating reality?” And pick a healthy circle to make your new operating reality. If that seems overly simplistic, remind yourself that the story you're holding onto as "true" is also made up. 

Get better at reality. 

This is one of the most powerful tools I coach, because it’s such a straightforward reframe, works so fast, and you could practice it in real time 20 times per day if you wanted to. The more you separate your circles apart, the less reactive you become. 

Consider your upsets and expectations in play too, which feed and color our Circles of Reality; when expectations aren’t met, it kicks off a new Circle #1 incident, and then Circle #2 is all about the judgment/disappointment between what we expected and what actually happened, right? Here’s a piece to think about (and even share with your team) about that. Check yourself there. 

Advanced version: 

• Notice the filters you tend to have on your second circle… Optimistic? Pessimistic? Different when person X is involved? Own that, and watch out for it in your 2nd circles.

• Catch yourself and call it out to your team when your 2nd circle goes negative or counter-productive. Debunk a negative 2nd circle story and come up with a new story, right there in front of them, which is more productive and positive. Modeling!

• Dig deeper: If you’re using circles of reality, then there’s an upset you’re trying to reframe or dislodge. While you made that 2nd circle meaning in nanoseconds, it also got triggered in the first place by something possibly underneath it, which you need to reveal for maximum clarity and quick moving on.

Other people’s reality: 

In using Circles of Reality on someone else (they’re upset, you want to help them to see it another way)… please watch out. Most of us, with great intentions to lead or help, do something like say “Oh no- that’s not what this really means! Look at it this way instead…” and we tell them a 3rd circle. That usually doesn’t work. We’ve all had someone do that to us when we were upset, and thought, “Yeah- you don’t get it. Easy for you to say…” So, no matter how clear it looks to you (of course it does- you're not stuck in that circle like they are!), or how much better your interpretation is, you giving them an alternate 2nd circle just won’t work, because you’re trying to force a perspective shift from the outside-in, which isn’t how our brains are wired. For shift to work, it has to be them stepping outside of their own story to create a new one (that's how a-ha moments happen... in our own heads). Your role? Facilitator, question-asker, possibility-holder. Don’t be daunted by them pushing back on the idea of another interpretation- that’s their emotion about that story (which they’re attached to) in the mix. Remind them that it's all fiction anyhow, so they have more options than they think here... Stay with it. Get all of the “what I could make it mean” answers up on and out, so they’re visible and concrete. Then ask the golden question (#5 above)… “what’s the healthiest, most productive meaning to hold as y/our operating reality?” THEN have them CHOOSE IT.

---

For this, as with most tools I bring to you, it’s about getting perspective or distance from the emotional/mental traffic jam you’re in at the moment, stepping back from it, seeing whatever insight/pattern/layering is there in your own behavior (the essence of self-awareness), and then making a new call of where you want to go from a place of choice vs. reaction. You’ve got this! 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2018

Season of Opposites

Could be occurring simultaneously right about now for you…

“I love the holidays.” and “I am stressed out by the holidays.” 

“I love seeing my family, yet they also drive me crazy like nobody else.”

Being in the midst of a crowd, but feeling completely isolated. 

The holidays being truly magical for the kids, yet feeling the fatigue and stress of creating that magic for them as an adult.

My focus outward on people coming together again, yet focus inward to the impact they have on me. 

That focus on celebrating with others, and pulled into my head for personal year in review. 

...This time of year can magnify these opposites as we break from rest-of-the-year rhythm to revisit (or miss) places, people and traditions. They can play serious tug-of-war inside our heads, which is stressful even when we try to ignore it. The stress of opposing-force tension within ourselves is the hardest kind. Worse is when we’re not thinking about it consciously, and it’s working in the background of what we do, just insidiously sucking our energy… exhausting. 

What if those same opposites could be just fine and even the fun dynamic of the season? 

Here’s how…

Call out the tricky ones. 

The fastest way to de-power any problem is to expose it. So, call out these opposing forces for what they are, and watch how that strain lessens. Out loud: “This running around part is crazy. So- once we get there, let’s all take a few deep breaths and let that go to reset before we walk in.” Later, silently to myself: “I’m surrounded by people but completely disconnected… now’s the time to engage.” Calling it out like this won't eliminate the situation, but will lessen the tension everyone feels from it.

Then… try some new opposites. You can find meaning where you haven’t, connection with those you couldn’t, and peace in the midst of the swirl. 

Here's how:

Be InterestED instead of interesting. 

Initiate actual connection instead of forgettable smalltalk which we all really hate anyhow. Yet try it with some hyperfocus on them. Set all the stuff you could either gloss over or delve into about your own year aside, to get under someone else’s layers… Put the big spotlight shining down from the sky on the other person you’re talking with and genuinely lean in to enter their lives a little with some genuine questions. For shallow answers like “I’m good, thanks. Y’know- busy,” make eye contact and ask a layer or two deeper until you get to what they care about. Ask, “Of all the things you’re busy with, what’s actually your favorite and why?” You’ll get to what they’re really up to in their lives, and ultimately substantive which they’ll light up in talking about. And it'll be way more interesting than the surface-y stuff you could talk about with anyone, and both forget. 

This is when you hug goodbye at the end and can genuinely say, “I’m so glad we got to talk a bit,” having created a memorable connection. 

Sprint and recover. 

Know your tolerances. Very few people are completely extroverted (getting all their energy from others) or completely introverted (getting all their energy from solitude). You might love the energy of people in the get togethers, yet know that you’ll enjoy it more (and be more enjoyable to others) if you get yourself away from the crowd for a moment of solitude every now and then. You might be pulled by the escape hatch of your phone's feed, yet know that you need to push yourself to engage with folks instead. You know that you can dive into the gluttony of food, drink and football-watching completely, but will feel gross by the end of the weekend if you don't get your body moving significantly, too.

• During the big get-togethers, step outside when nobody’s looking, listen to the quiet, take some deep breaths for a few minutes. You’ll go back in reset, refreshed and ready to re-engage.
• Maybe that run or yoga class is more important on these indulgent days than any other, so your body can get something out of it all, too, and not shut down on you with fatigue. 
• Find what truly recharges and resets you, and do that intentionally a few times each day. 
• Get perspective. Journal, debrief, do a gratitude exercise… then re-engage with your lens cleared.

Your social and emotional stamina will stretch out, and you can come out of the holiday with more energy- just imagine that! 

Go bigger. 

One of the best ways to get out of your own head of concern is to focus on something bigger than yourself. A person, a cause, an idea, an act that gets your impact out there beyond your normal sphere of influence. Every time it brings perspective and even appreciation back to your world afterward. 

• Do something you’d never otherwise do- something out of character. Jump on the trampoline with the kids, initiate a game with the adults, share something personal. 
• Find a cause and give something real to it (time, food, some generous act). Even get someone else off the couch to spontaneously go do something positive for others with you. 
• Stretch your head, get inspired by a great big idea, and immerse yourself in it. And share it with everyone, instead of the commercial they were watching during the game. 

This is when you get to see the best side of those folks around you. Inspire them to go/think/speak bigger, and watch them expand too. You’ll love them even more after.

Go smaller. 

Intentional of not, we’re all causing ripples wherever we go which you’re often too busy to notice. Now’s a great time to turn up your observation radar and really get the nuance of impact happening all around (or in) you. It’s way too easy to zone out into the feed on your phone (while everyone else does, too), missing the cool, striking, sometimes barely perceptible shift and impact happening all the time in our live interactions, which, put all together creates meaning and indelibly cool memories. So- your phone put away (which will trigger others to put theirs away), awareness zoomed into little things, notice and capture these nuances, which are happening if you look for them… 

• an act of true kindness
• the way someone’s face changes when they talk about something they love
• how people (including you) initiate and respond to physical connection (the hug, the lean, the space between you and them on the couch)
• the shift that happens in someones eye color and voice when they shift from smalltalk to depth
• a moment that makes you stop and really think differently about something (stay open for it)

This is when you start to really get the beauty and the intricacies of people and what really links us to one another. 

So.. in this season of opposites, call them out, go to the ends of each spectrum fully, and try on some new opposites. Create and soak up the moments, snapshots and soundtracks of it all.

And… know that you’re one sentence, one gesture, one conversation away from awesome, stirring connection with people. 

Happy Holidays!

...and yes, I'll get back to you in a few days about your new year. ;)

This post originally appeared 12/24/14, and is being republished for this year's holidays, by special request. :)

©SarahSinger&Co. 2018

How To Just HAVE the Conversation Already

See that lively green, healthy plant thriving right there which looks different than the others? If you look closely, it’s got tiny spikes coming out of its leaves. 

You have one of those, right now in the back of your mind, and quite possibly in your team, your culture or the project you’re working on.

That plant is actually an invasive weed, unwanted, yet growing healthily and strong in the midst of my other plants. I’ve been walking past it for weeks now, thinking “I should pull that,” since it doesn’t belong and is sucking important energy and nutrients from all of the other plants I want to grow around it. Yet it hasn’t really stood out much to others, I knew I’d get thorns in my hand pulling it out, and suspected that once I went to pull it, I’d be into a whole project, seeing others I need to spend more time pulling. 

So… I just kept walking by. 

Where are you doing the same thing… just walking by that thing you know you should actually address?

You have “weeds” like this, too. Maybe in your yard, but absolutely in your world. They are the unwanted issues, dysfunctional dynamics, and negative attitudes which are at best unhelpful for what you’re trying to achieve, and at worst toxic… which will just keep going and growing until you address them. Yep- they’re prickly, going there is uncomfortable, and you suspect in the back of your mind that if you do, you might then see way more like it you’ll have to deal with. I get it. 

Think of one person in your world with whom you know you need to address an unmet expectation, a pattern of unproductive behaviors or a dysfunctional communication. 

Yep- that one.

Leaders tell me every day reasons why they don’t address these issues (especially when I’m coaching them to do just that). Every reason has to do with avoidance of confrontation, discomfort, drama, a potentially tough conversation, or fear of causing an additional dynamic of tension with someone by doing so. Can you relate? You're not alone. 

Now identify the reasons you’ve given yourself for why you haven’t had that “tough” conversation yet. 

So, we all can predict what happened when I finally decided to pull that weed this morning. Shocker- it had become thornier, stronger and harder to pull than it would’ve been 2 wks ago when I first spotted it. It also had multiplied- I indeed found more weeds once I got in there, that had camoflagued themselves, steadily sucking energy and nutrients to grow stronger from all of my healthy plants around them, now a bit less vibrant than they should be. 

We know that in human dynamics, negative energy is infortunately more powerful and faster-spreading than positive. This is clutch for you, the culture of your team, and your own energy; the longer you leave it alone, the bigger, stronger it gets.. 

How have the invasive, “weedy” behaviors, interactions and attitudes been sucking energy away from you and all the healthy dynamics, people and things around them? How much energy and time have your spent/lost thinking about doing it or not, or upset about the existing dynamic?

While this metaphoric weed-pulling challenge might be one of the most common challenges I see as a coach from leaders across the board, it’s also the one thing that might keep your team, your organization, your energy, your leadership and your impact from being truly great unless we get it to shift. 

Imagine being able to have what you’ve thought of before as thorny conversations directly, quickly and easily, causing positive shift in people’s behavior, patterns, thinking and interactions. 

We don’t have many great models in our culture for this; we think that our choices are either a big confrontation (messy for all the reasons we fear) or just avoiding/dealing with it (which only lets it get worse). Yet there’s another way.

Here’s how: 

This simple frame, guaranteed to cut the drama, will keep the other person listening, and help you say everything you need to say directly, yet easily, in a way that moves things forward. Credit to my friends at Quantum Learning Network, who have been teaching this simple tool for decades in its programs world over. 

The steps to make it easy:

Say the following out loud (it’s an acronymn, so saying it out loud will help you remember the actual steps of the model when you need it): “Open The Front Door.” 

1. O = Observation- Tell the facts of what occurred, from a fly-on-the-wall perspective (what was said, what behaviorally happened, in what order). No assessments or characterizations. 

    This gets you and the other person in the same realm of reality- from the same reference         point of what actually occurred (which you should be able to agree on). 

    “I noticed that today was the third time in the last two weeks that we got to a deadline in the project where I expected  your team's part to be complete as we agreed, and it wasn’t.” 

2. T = Thought- what the actions triggered you to think, your opinion or assessment; the story you've made up in your head about what happened. 

    This is where you get to share the impact in your world of what occurred, the interpretation you made of it, and what you now think as a result. 

“I’m thinking that this is becoming a bottleneck as the project gets delayed further, and the team it waiting. I'm wondering how else I can support your team, yet also realizing that I'm becoming a little less and less inclined to trust that what we agree to is going to happen when we say it will, which I don't want to do.” 

3. F = Feeling- Name the emotion you have now. This tells them the upset that they’ve triggered.

“I’m frustrated.”  

4. D = Desire- Say what you’d like to have happen, and ask for a next step toward it. This gives you the place to say what you'd like to be different, and gives the other person an opening to be able to move forward actionably and constructively. This is a game-changer, as it's what truly opens the door for the other person to respond in a way that moves you both forward into a new pattern. You're giving them a directed, productive path to respond back to you without having to get defensive. Without this step, you're still just confronting them with the issue, rather than moving things forward. [By the way, if you're a person who's higher on the confronting spectrum, this will be a key new piece for you, which can make what you bring much easier for others to respond to.]

“I'd like the project to move forward, for us to get our teams to a place where they can trust one another to hit these deadlines, and have a system in place to hit them smoothly. Can we have a conversation to explore how that can happen and reset?”

Warning: It might feel weird to organize your thoughts into this order. Yet the key to this tool is the order of its parts, as it layers all the pieces you need to communicate into a sequence another person can listen through without getting defensive (try mixing up the order, and it gets confrontational quickly).

An important note on the Feeling part: 

Own it. We’ve all heard “keep the emotions out of it” and “don’t make it personal,” right? Bad advice, actually. We tout ideas like that because emotions can be strong, we don’t have great practice or comfort in understanding them or expressing them productively (when they’re negative), so we think it best just to keep them out. So one of two things happens- 

1. We go into ice mode, with no expression, no emotion, and ultimately no connection with the other person, which ironically elicits more [negative] emotion from them in feeling iced.
2. We hold it in, but then get to the point where our emotions boil over, and the communication is a confrontation, led and driven by our inflamed emotion, getting all over the other person. “I’m mad…”

Neither one of those is very smooth or effective. Yet we all have emotions, and they’re already in there. They are what make us passionate and also able to relate to others and have these relationships in the first place, right? AND, they’re also rarely a secret. People read your emotion when you want them to, yet also when we think we’re hiding it… but not always so accurately, especially in a moment of conflict. It’s all over our tone, face, and body language, and often intense in these types of moments, so unless you tell them what your emotion is, they can misread it through their own bias, and then “how the big conversation went” sharing afterward is left to their interpretation of your emotion. Don’t leave that completely to them! Call it, own it, name it, and move on. They’ll get the gravity of the conversation by hearing your emotion, plus you’ll control what they take away by making the most potentially dramatic part of it not needing to be interpreted, because you named it directly and calmly. 

This morning I actually pulled those weeds out. Done. 

My attention will never be distracted by them again as I walk by, and those other plants are already getting healthier, because it’s solved. 

And… it only took a few minutes.

The conversations you need to have to pull those invasively weedy issues won’t take nearly as much time or energy than you think they will, and I’m betting that the energy they’re sucking from the healthy dynamics and people around them is far greater than the exertion it’ll take for you to just have the conversation already. 

Decide when you’ll have your first direct conversation trying the model. The sooner the better. Tick tock. 

You can have direct, clear, non-dramatic conversations in which you address it, get the unhealthy stuff out of the mix, and move forward. Quickly. Easily. And without injury. 

Call it. 

Own it. 

(and, the best part of all…)

Move on. 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2016

That Expectation Under Your Upset (every time)

You love upsets, don’t you?  Of course you don’t, because you haven’t seen how they can actually lead you to great insight and more success.  While I love to be creative and strategic as a coach/consultant,  a lot of my work with teams is surprisingly in the world of UPSET.  Not me being upset or even others having so much big dramatic upset, but in helping teams and leaders pull understanding, clarity and consistent success forward out of their daily upsets.

We all have them, and they fall on a spectrum of upsets from tiny annoyances barely worth mentioning to huge fights or confrontations.  How many have you had in the last week somewhere on that spectrum?  How many were you able to deconstruct, then rebuild for success forward.  Check this out…

Basically, we can break down ANY upset to find an expectation underneath that didn’t get met. In the moment, it doesn’t matter why your expectation wasn’t met- just that it wasn’t.  Hence the upset.

So much of my coaching work with leaders and teams comes down to this topic of upsets and expectations.  It almost always presents itself as an complaint (usually an irritation to start), and I first identify it as an upset, then coach to peel the layers of it back to reveal an expectation that was there all the time, and hasn’t been met by someone else.  Often, this is where the real work begins.  The trickiest part is that the most problematic expectations are ones we either assume or don’t even realize we had until they weren’t met by someone else.

This ends up in judgments and decisions about whether a person “has what it takes” for a role/job or not, whether an organization or school is the “right fit” for me or not, whether performance, a service or a establishment is “competent” or “good”, etc.

Here’s the big insight…. I find that most of time, the person walking away, being let go or carrying a judgment about the competency/quality of another is sadly from an upset based on unarticulated expectations. What was expected in the first place for “success” or “good” or “competent” wasn’t ever clearly articulated, so those expectations weren’t ever met.  Granted- maybe they couldn’t have been met anyhow due to capability, skill, etc., but often we never actually know if it was even possible or not without getting those expectations clear, up and out on the table.

Sometimes we’ll be incredibly self-aware in hindsight and get to the following:

“Hmm… why am I so irritated with you?  Maybe because I actually have been expecting X from you all along, and you haven’t been delivering it, so you just continue to irritate [upset] me over and over!”

Rarely is any of this said out loud, yet might be internally by the voice in our heads if we’re really aware and honest.

Ideally we’d realize all of that and say it out loud, followed by the following:

“Hmm… did you even know that I was holding that expectation?  Now that you do, can you meet it?  Is it realistic, or do we need to talk about it to reset agreed-upon expectations?”  

Usually that last part is what I coach about.

Now let me be clear… sometimes expectations are clear, articulated, and agreed to, but still unmet (that’s a different issue, different blog topic I’ll post another time, called accountability).  First things first…

Let’s work on getting expectations clear, up, out, and into agreement.  This will be huge!

I guarantee you that if you look around in your immediate professional and personal life right now, you can find an upset somewhere (remember an irritation is a baby upset that will grow).  If you start peeling layers off the surface of that upset, underneath you’ll find an expectation you’ve been holding which hasn’t been met.  Let’s start cleaning that up, then we can get to the next part of holding one another accountable.

Here’s what to do:

1. Identify an upset (can range from irritation to confrontation/fight/end of an arrangement). If you can’t find one, contact me, and I’ll coach you to be more honest with yourself and see them all around you.

2. Ask yourself: What expectation did I have of this person (although it could be with a process, team or organization) which has not been met?

3. Ask yourself: Was this expectation clearly articulated to the other person involved (who didn’t deliver)? Did they actually know and understand the expectations, and confirm that they could/would meet them?

Then, do this...

If NO was your answer: 

• Go back to the person in question, articulate your upset and the expectations you’ve been holding all along. Start over by re-setting expectations clearly and with agreement (as in “yes, I can do that”). Make sure with the other person that these new expectations are realistic. If they’re not, adjust them or tap other resources to meet them.

• Getting agreement on expectations (maybe even a third set- not your or their original list, but a new set you create out of those together), then you can follow up differently afterward. Agreements are meatier than expectations, and much more follow-up-able.

• Hold this person in your mind as able to meet your expectations (see In-10-tion, chapter #11 in TIG).

• Hold this person accountable in the way you check in and follow up. They’ll deliver!

If YES was your answer…

• Go back to the person in question, restate the expectations again, how they specifically weren’t met, and communicate your upset. Here’s the model I use every single day for that, to make sure I get all of my thoughts out, in a way someone else can hear them without getting defensive.

• Ask for some ownership on their part in this, acknowlegment of what it cost you, andan apology.

• Make a request to either understand why the expectations weren’t met. While this may not cause you to want to re-engage, you’ll at least make your decision forward from an informed place AND you might be surprised. More than a few times, I’ve learned of some crazy circumstance that prevented delivery, causing me to rethink it all and re-start with this person.

• Either re-start and give them another chance with adjusted expectations and re-commitment…or not. You may find that it’s too late to re-start, but at least you’ll have been direct, clear and left the other party with a clean understanding of an opportunity they’ll have next time to get it right.

Going forward, start asking yourself “What am I expecting?”  Do this all over the place-   going into meetings, coming out of meetings, spending time with your family, starting a project, agreeing to go out with someone… then get as articulate as you appropriately can about your expectations with those you’re expecting to deliver, and get agreement.  If by “Yes, I’d love to go out with you” you’re really expecting a quiet dinner for two while your date’s planning to bring you out with six of his/her closest friends you’ve never met, you might be setting yourself up for an upset (actually what happened on my first date with my husband, but that’s for another day).

The more flexible your expectations, the more chances for success, but be honest- our true expectations are usually more solid and inflexible than we’re willing to admit, let alone articulate. 

So, go- expect big things, be clear and specific about it, get agreement, and get success every time!  If you don’t, I want to hear about it.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2015

The Single Question That Takes Your Impact Way Bigger Than Just Results

As a little sneak-preview for you, an excerpt from one of my favorite chapters of Tap Into Greatness… 

What rank did we end up with? What KPI are we pushing for? Where are our numbers? How far did we increase our reach? What was the final score?

Sound familiar? As most leaders, you spend a lot of time talking about and focusing on results. Your success is judged, competition monitored, and team’s success measured by them.

If your team doesn’t know the result they’re shooting for, they lose momentum, focus and direction. Without a clear finish line, no one will keep running faster. Got it. Really effective managers get concrete results clear first. But you’re more than a manager…

You need to play a bigger game than that as an Influencer. While you might do a great job at outlining the specific deliverables or framing out the metrics expected of you by your stakeholders, how often do you go bigger- beyond those measurables? What if you asked the question a bit differently… 

“WHAT DO I WANT TO HAVE?”

Importantly different than “What result are we going for?” this is more than semantics. Changing the question gets to something deeper, broader and more activating- where influencers make their distinctive mark. They don’t just get results, they have impact, they have reach, they have pull from the inside out. 

HAVE is the very first thing that every great influencer asks herself before she goes into any idea, plan, conversation, presentation, meeting, and especially the office for the day… 

"What do I/we want to have out of this?” 

Yes- they call out specific results, but also isolate all the other indicators which equal true impact. 

Result only: We’re going for 1 million units in sales for this new product. 

With the Have added in: We’re going for 1 million units sold… And want to have a fired up team, have buzz in the market, have people converting to our brand, have the street cred of solving what others couldn’t… 

That’s much more impact than just the finite result of units sold. As you broaden the horizon this way, it sets a bigger game and more meaningful orientation to it for everyone involved. Now they have something to rally to, not just finish. 

Don’t just hit results, have impact.

Real Influencer Moment: 

A coaching client from the restaurant industry took this on. A notoriously intense chef for the highest-grossing restaurant of a fun, successful brand, he leads teams under serious time and performance pressure. They do it, but it can be tense. With this HAVE question, he decided that he wanted to have a different environment- a fun environment with a kitchen staff of people who were having fun all of the time, cranking in their quality of results; productive, effective and happy despite the slams of pressure. This changed the game for his staff, his culture, and his bottom line.

Deep & Wide

Have gets at impact that goes wide…. answering the question of, “If we have that… then, what else will we cause?” This is the ripple effect of what you do, and getting strategically intentional about what else you're causing with your efforts.

As in: 

If we have a fired up team, then what else could we cause beyond that (ripple effect)? 

Ambassadors for the brand, talking it up in their circles outside of work. 

Which could then trigger having… 

The word of our brand getting out there to new prospective clients, who will check us out… 

Which could then trigger having… 

Expansion to a completely new demographic of clientele coming in the door… 

You can see where this is going, right? 

Keep asking the question, “Then what?” and you’ll map the ripples of impact you can strategically have. 

Have also gets at impact that goes deep… answering the question, “If we have that, what else would we of course have to make that happen?” This is drilling into the layers of impact deeper than the initial obvious answer. Go intentionally for depth of impact, which takes root to grow stronger. 

For example:

If we have a fired up team, what would that mean we also have? 

People who believe in what we’re doing. 

Which means we’d also have… 

People who are committed to the brand. 

Which means we’d also have… 

People who will have longevity. 

Which means we’d also have… 

People who will invest their talent and trust in us. 

Which means we’d also have… 

A solid core of all-in people who will truly help us build to a whole new level of impact….

You get it. 

Every time I take a client from a result they’ve identified into a Have-Deep and Have-Wide exercise like this, they come back to their targeted result with renewed energy, because the stakes of it get bigger- one little result turns into the platform for broad, deep, meaningful impact. Bam! 

Think about that project you’ve got happening right now, and the results you’re shooting for in it. Take a minute to brainstorm deeper into the impact you want to really have out of this project beyond just the articulated result? If you had that, then what? What else would you have? Then what? What else? (you get the idea of these layers deep and ripples out, yes?)

This expansion from result you're getting to ImpactYouHave applies to individual interactions all day long, too. What good is the big plan if your steps along the way aren’t focused for impact too? Make it intentionally count there, too. 

For example: 

Halfway through a regular weekly conference call, as people tune out and you’re wondering what the point is…STOP.

Sure, what you’re covering was emailed in the agenda, but to what end? Get the haves clear, articulated and understood, before you move on. Ask them:

What do we want to have by the end of this call?

What results? What plan? What deliverable completed? 

What level or energy and engagement from this team? What problem solved? What alignment? If we had those then what? 

…then notice how the whole call shifts with fuller engagement from everyone. 

Better yet—start the next call with the Haves as part of your WIIFM: 

“By the end of this call we will all have:

• Every question you’ve been confronted by with the client clear and answered
• Total alignment about next steps and who’s doing what
• Relief and fired-up-ness for what’s coming in this project

…Let’s dive in!”

For awesome influencers, this gets very personal. It’s why they inspire and affect you so much—because they ask the Have question of themselves right before diving into an exchange with you, every time. They clarify the impact they want this interaction to have on you and your process… then they make the time with you count purposefully. 

You can too: 

• Go bigger. In your next planning conversation, take the question broader and deeper. What do we want to really have out of this? Elicit as much as you can there, identify the strongest impact, and then clarify the concrete result you’re trying to hit. It may help to give prompts like “have on our team, in the industry, in the world, in our own process.”
• Pause first. Before picking up the phone or responding to your next email, pause and clarify: Out of this communication, what do I want to have? Agreement? Collaboration? The other person put in their place? Maybe.
• Focus in. Outside of work, think about what you want to Have before you automatically dive into experiences, and notice how it focuses it for you…I want to have true connection and focus on one another with my family tonight. 

With focus set on what impact you’ll Have, your next choices of what to Do and what facet of yourself you’ll step into to create it become clear and simple…

To see what happens with our Real Influencer the chef and how he set himself up to identify what he needed to Do and how to Be the version of himself to cause that major shift in his staff (and of course how you can too, every time), check out Chapter #5 of Tap Into Greatness… :)

 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2015

BE it.

Get clear about your intention and goal in any conversation, beforehand. (definitely)

Bring more rigor to the words you choose. (absolutely)

Clarify your message. (important)

Know that every conversation you have is causing something, so be intentional. (more than you realize)

Watch and manage your tone, body language and facial expression, as they can speak louder than your words. (truth)

...Those tenets are a big, and  bring big impact. I coach to them all the time, as they start to get at the power of our communication. Because communication is so much more than the content of our words. 

There’s the intent or goal of the communication…. what we want to HAVE out of it.  So many skip this step, yet it can make all the difference, when inserted right before diving in to an exchange... Out of this communication, I want to have… agreement? collaboration? the other person put in their place? Hm. 

Then there’s the delivery. Those nonverbal messages we’re sending (tonality, facial expression, body language) as we communicate… what we DO in the conversation. 

Of those parts… people get and trust what we’re DOing in the conversation more than the content.  If I'm saying one thing, but messaging another in my tone, body language and facial expression, you'll go with the nonverbals.  There’s often a huge disconnect between the messages coming from our words and from our delivery (picture a teacher/coach/boss talking to their brood about getting fired up in an expressionless way).

And yet there’s another lesser-known key to it all.  Even more powerful than what you’re DOing in in that standard formula of words + tonality + facial expression/body language… is what comes before any of that, and could be sabotaging the whole thing for you. You’ve had interactions where you said the right things, did the right things, but actually didn’t get the impact you wanted, right? I certainly have.

In those moments of frustrated communication, we get in our own way because it’s more than what we say or how we say it.  Despite message, word rigor, causality and nonverbal awareness…

It’s about who we’re BEing. 

That is... who are you mentally, emotionally and physically being at the time?  What State are you in?  What’s your mindset? Here’s the challenge… We all have countless versions of ourselves which we end up BE-ing at any moment, without ever thinking about it. Yet rarely do we create a moment to check it, and make sure it’s the version we need to BE in the moment for what we’re trying to accomplish.

I can BE: calm, nurturing, positive, connected, excited, all-in committed, inspiring, partnering, empathetic, flexible, curious, interested, loving, patient, listening, disarming, lighthearted, open, laser-focused, empassioned, relentlessly optimistic, intense in a motivating way…

I can also BE: distracted, pushy, steamroller-y, defensive, submissive, impatient, cynical, rigid, negative, resentful, judgmental, task-y, inaccessible, fake, passive-aggressive, aloof, insensitive, closed off, already decided, intense in an intimidating way…

We could pick any one of those (BEs), and quickly predict how it would impact what I might DO differently in each one, and then what I might Have as a result. Pretty simply: 

Be: Open

Do: Really listen with full attention, truly imagine and try on every idea another person is saying, allow uninhibited connections to occur, build on them. Communicate ideas about how we can work together. Keep body language open, relaxed, possibly leaning in. Eye contact is direct, connecting. 

Have: Collaboration with my partner

Now go back through that Be-Do-Have plan changing to BE-ing Defensive instead of Open.

The whole thing changes and now doesn’t work, right? If I really tried to force those same behaviors (the DO) from a place of really BEing defensive- I’d come across as inauthentic, and in no way get true collaboration with my partner out of that conversation. This type of communication fail happens all the time. The challenge is that we focus too much on what to DO, when who we’re BE-ing may be all wrong. This is usually because we just don’t think about it, or because we think it’s not visible to anyone else. We, as the wired-for-action creatures that we are, focus on what we should DO, best practice, and steps to the goal. Yet those only succeed if we’re executing them from the right place, which we may or may not have set consciously.  I can use all the right words with the right message, even taking the right steps, but get no buy-in if I’m coming from a place that doesn’t match my outcome. That BE has everything to do with powering my impact, message, tonality, nonverbals and emotional energy… beyond the words I’m speaking.

Lately I’ve been bringing more attention and intentionality to this awareness before interactions. The results are powerful. With a client recently, I focused on BE-ing light, flexible and effortlessly positive- even while presenting a paradigm-altering idea. They were surprisingly agreeable and open to it.  This was significant since I had presented the exact same idea to the same client a few weeks before, and they not only hated it, but were resistant, upset and unhappy with me about it. After that didn’t go well, I had to admit to myself that I was irritated with them, BEing insensitive, pushy and a know-it-all (all unconscious). It didn’t matter how right for them my good my ideas were- all they got was the pushy know-it-all I was BEing, so of course they weren’t engaged by my idea! Owning that, doing what I needed to do to come back BEing authentically positive, flexible and lighter... I had a completely different result. 

The lesson for me?  

Who I’m BEing will always speak louder than anything coming out of my mouth (and can’t be hidden in my nonverbals to those who know how to read them).  Before I respond or communicate I must first get clear on what Intention I want someone to feel in my communication, and focus on it.  Get myself present- IN it.  Then go!

So…

Try this out: 

Develop an awareness in the moment of who you’re BE-ing and what it’s causing. 

After interactions with people, ask yourself: 

• What did we both Have at the end of that interaction? This is the result, the takeaway- both concrete and invisible? 

Examples: we both had frustration; or connection; or a great solution we couldn’t have gotten to alone

• What did I Do in that interaction to cause what we both ended up with? 

Examples: I didn’t really listen; I really listened and empathized; I acknowledged and built on his ideas

• Who was I BE-ing in that interaction? 

Examples: I was being impatient; present in their world; open and partnering

The more you do this, them more you’ll be able to catch yourself in the moment and make adjustments. 

Before you respond or communicate in a moment, pause to get clear on what you want someone to feel in your communication, or what you want to come out of it. Then find the corresponding way of BEing that could cause that, see if it’s different than where you are, and shift it.

Notice your patterns. Do conversations seem to end in frustration when you’re coming into them BEing defensive? Are you able to have your best moments of connection with people when you allow everything else to go out of your head and are just BEing present in and focused on their world? When you’re rushed, do your interactions become tense (perhaps you’re BEing tense when you’re slammed with other stuff)? Do you tend to have better or worse interactions/influence with certain people, or with particular settings, which may be triggers for who you’re BEing?  

Experiment with different ways to BE in your interactions. In low stakes situations (where you have a lot more control over your emotions), try isolating different versions of who you’re going to BE in a conversation beforehand, get yourself there, and notice what happens. As you continue to do this, you’ll get more precise and faster at it. Eventually, you’ll be able to do a quick reset with yourself going from interaction to interaction.

The true power of connecting with others in communication of any kind (leading, teaching, influencing…) comes down to this essence of who you are BEing in the moment. It powers your impact, message, tonality, nonverbals and emotional energy… before and beyond the words you’re speaking.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2014

It’s Getting All Over You… The Power of State, Part 3

“Excuse me, but can you get your foul State off of me, please? I’m trying to be creative and inspired here, and you’re contaminating it with your irritated grouchiness, which is getting all over everyone. Please go handle that.“

What would it be like to work on a team where you could actually say that to someone? I’m here to testify that it’s actually possible, and can be awesome. Maybe you won’t start off quite that pointed, but I can get you close...

We know by now that what we’ve called “mood” before is actually State, comprised of three interconnected parts- Mental, Emotional and Physical. We mess with one of those parts, the other two shift instantly, every time. If you’re just joining us here, take a few minutes to check out Part 1 and Part 2 to get the full power of State in how you’re embodying it yourself- it’s huge. 

Once you’ve got a handle on your OWN State (which you’ll tinker with for a lifetime), you’re halfway there, since your State is the model for theirs, and they’re watching you all the time. So now it’s time to directly take on something just as clutch... other people’s States.  As we’ve established, most people have little awareness of their own State and even less aptitude in effectively changing it. If you came at most people with the opening statement of this post they might slug you or cry, because they simply don’t get it (yet).  So until they do (and even after), it’ll be YOU in many moments who will need to do it for them.   

Check them out.  

...In a different way than you have been, paying attention to their State. At any given moment, any person you’re with is in a particular state. The key question is twofold- 

What State are they in? and… 

Is it the state you want them to be in (for the task at hand, the news you’re about to drop on them, the next XX hours you’re about to spend with them, the way their State is spreading to others etc.)? 

As a leader, start paying attention as much to their State as those other things like what they’re contributing, focusing on and doing. This matters because it’s fueling all of those things already, and will get you to the core of what makes them awesome (or not) moment to moment. To maximize not just your performance but your team’s as well, start managing States. Your ability to facilitate their State is directly proportional to their motivation, focus, and productivity.

Cues tell all. 

80-90% of all communication is nonverbal. What we feel and think manifests itself in our tonality, body language, eye movements, breathing and facial expression. It’s incredibly hard to fake these things (maybe impossible, but that’s for another day), and the people you’re with tell you a lot about where they are without ever uttering a word... if you pay attention. Notice posture (leaning forward, into you or turned away, avoiding), jaw set and brow furrow, eye contact, and the tonality/cadence of their speaking. Even breathing- if someone’s breathing is high or shallow, they’re stressed. If it’s low and abdominal, they’re more relaxed. Practice first paying attention to these cues, then labelling them in your mind as different States (excited, bored, curious, sad, irritated, reflective, pumped up, grouchy, inspired…). Then, ask yourself if the State they’re in is a good one for what’s happening, or not.  If not, then get busy… 

Change from the outside in. 

You can change someone else’s state in a second. In fact you do it all the time without labeling it such. 

Take someone who’s State is resistant, for instance. Arms folded, jaw set, breathing high in chest, brow slightly furrowed, voice monotone and forced. Yet with a simple question that gets them to think about something else completely... you get that person to a much more open and receptive State.  That’s an outside-in State Change.

Or… you and a teammate were brainstorming on a question with you recording at the whiteboard, and at one point you switch spots- you hand over the marker to your partner to get her up and writing as you then walk around the room, new ideas flowing. That switch was another State Change. 

Or... you’re presenting to a group, and you see their eyes glazing over, as Bored State starts to take over the room. You have everyone quickly stand up, you pose a question for them all to answer to another person, then have them sit back down, now awake and engaged.  Nice State Change. 

Here are some more (some deliberate breaks in pattern/focus, others quick resets) : 

• Have them tell you about their last success with this team in vivid detail. (mental)

• Take them for a walk. (physical)

• Change the subject completely. (mental)

• Continue the conversation standing up if you were sitting. (physical)

• Give them a compliment. (emotional)

• Give them a high-five. (physical)

• Tell them a joke. (emotional)

• Everyone rotate positions in the room. (physical)

• Ask their opinion about something you know they care about. (mental/emotional)

• Toss them a ball. (physical)

• Offer them a snack or drink, like a bottle of water or a cup of coffee. (physical)

• Change or put on some music with the energy you’re going for. (mental/physical/emotional)

• Show them a hilarious or inspiring or thoughtful or intriguing post or video online. (emotional)

Switch it Up- Early and Often

Those state changes are key when someone’s in a overtly negative or low-energy state, as each will break the pattern they’re in, changing their State to something more engaged, positive or higher energy.  The higher the energy, the better in most cases. 

That said, your team needs deliberate State Changes more than you think.  

The average attention span correlates with age (like 5 minutes max for a 5 year old)… up to about age 18, at which point it maxes out. So 18-20 minutes is about the limit of most people’s attention span in the work you’re doing (outside of gaming and other immersive altered-state activities).  All attempts of “plowing through” beyond that window are a waste of time and energy, because we know that once State’s gone so is focus, learning and performance. Instead, Change State! All you and your team need is a reset of attention- a State Change- about every 18-20 minutes in your work process, and the brain/performance/focus stays fresh. 

While the list above is a start, personalize, customize and add to it with your own State Changes, and then start playing them all to try out what fits best where. 

You can call it. 

There is tremendous power in State management- for you as an individual and for the people around you. Once you and your team understand it, you can then own it and call it with one another. I coach high performing teams across industries and rank, whose productivity and morale has been transformed with the power of State. On these teams, because they get it, everyone is responsible for his/her own State, making sure it’s productive, conducive to what the team’s up to, and able to help others accelerate. They incorporate State Changes as regular team practice into their work, which makes all the difference. You’ll see high-fiving between agenda topics, movement as they work, koosh balls flying purposefully to engage the right States, and people owning their own attention, performance and focus with their State.  And when they don’t, you might just hear that line I opened this post with, to which someone would respond,

“Actually, you’re absolutely right. My grouchy State isn’t helping anyone- I apologize for getting it on you. I need a State Change. I’ll be back in a few minutes, better.”  

And then they go, take a few minutes to change their State, re-engage, and the team’s on on its way. It’s a beautiful thing. 

Your turn...

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

The Power of State, Part 2 Choosing it.

So… how’s your State? Right now? 

If you don’t know what I mean by that, go here. If you do, then you’ve been playing with it and have begun to wake up a new sort of State Self-Awareness. Awesome.  You’ve begun to…

Monitor and observe yourself. You probably noticed that your States are much more specific than “good” or “bad” when you really paid attention to them, right?  You also noticed that your State can change in an instant from any number of triggers around you, some in the direction you want to go, others not. Which led to…

Pay close attention to WHAT, WHO and WHEN your States are vulnerable.  Was it certain people who trigger a certain State for you every time?  In a good or bad way?  Did you find certain topics that do it?  I’m positive you found that certain times of day trigger specific States for you. Did you get all the way to songs, places or smells as anchors for you? How about those curveball situations that just wrenched your State in some direction you weren’t expecting?  More to come soon, as always.

So, now you’re ready for the next part:

Getting deliberate about setting your own State in the moment and strategically- This is the satisfying part.

Why it matters… 

State affects everything and everyone.                                                                 
Attention, learning, and performance are completely State dependent. In other words, the performance you’re able to bring completely depends on the State you’re in. Think about a recent great day, great presentation, great meeting, great conversation. Now think about the State that you were in at the time. It was probably focused, fired up, into it, engaged… a very particular State on your “top 5 productive States” list, right?  Now imagine that same experience, but having it in an unproductive State like tired, irritated, or distracted. Way different, right?

Here’s the difference between the masses and those people who go beyond to influence, lead with impact and outperform…

Those superstars intentionally choose their State rather than letting their State control them. An NBA player would never step onto the basketball court without getting his State locked in first. So why would you do so on the court of your life (I’d argue that you actually have more at stake than he does)?

States are contagious.                                                                                                     
More specifically, YOUR State affects everything for you and everyone around you. Always. And if you’re in a leadership position or close partnership, it’s even more important and more magnified than for anybody else, because whatever your State, it’s setting the State for everybody else the second you walk in the door. We’ve all noticed this before. You’re in an okay “mood”, maybe even a great mood (more accurately called State). The boss (or partner, or family member) walks in and is in some kind of a grouchy, snappy, salty State.  Immediately everybody else’s State is affected by that, right? Ever notice how when you’re in a bad mood (State), everyone in your world seems extra-irritating and whiny?  Not an accident. Unfortunately (or not) most of us are victims of another’s state, and usually the person with the strongest state wins, in that it spreads to others. More on this next time, but meanwhile…

You can accidentally contaminate or intentionally elevate.                                       
You can (and do) contaminate somebody else’s creative blissful State with your irritated, pessimistic one just by being around them while in that State, and vice versa. You can also elevate somebody who is in a depressed, isolated State to engaged, inspired and connected with your State alone.  The question is this, how mindful are you about this, how intentional are you about it and how could you change that at any given moment?

In my coaching experience, I’ve seen that every manager or leader I’ve seen who has star performers consistently over time, are the same managers or leaders who are consciously using this particular tool called State Management every day, every moment, every interaction. Here’s how…

Choose it.                                                                                                                          
Most people are victims of their own State. It’s 10am and they’ve already given up, saying, “Yeah, it’s just going to be one of those days.” Wow. Stuff happens around us all of the time that messes with us mentally, emotionally and physically. The question is… how are you going to respond to it in a way that keeps you solid?  Maybe you only got a few hours of sleep last night or are coming from a particularly rough conversation just now. So what? Don’t let that determine your State or set it for the day. Choose it.

People are watching you, they’re listening. They’re getting vibes from you. They are choosing their own State and responding to yours all day every day, in the moment. You’ve already been messing with a few ITM (In The Moment) State changes as you noticed your triggers, so now you can get more deliberate in choosing how to set your State well.

So, when you’re in a great State, when you are on top of the world, what’s really happening?

Remember that Mental, Emotional and Physical are all interconnected ALL the time. Something triggered one, and they all changed. It’s not possible to change one without messing with them all somehow. So it makes sense then, that to change your State to one you want to be in, change one of the three parts. PInpoint an awesome State you know is great for you. Now let’s break down its parts:

Mental: What thoughts you’re having- what images, ideas, sounds you’re focusing on.

Emotional: What emotions you’re feeling.

Physical: What’s happening in your physiology- in position, breathing, movement and expression.

So to choose and change/set your State, pick one of those ways into it, or several to make it more potent. Depending on how strong your current State is (like the one you’re trying to change out of) some methods will work faster/easier than others.

Try these:

• Think about a time when you were totally successful (mental)

• Listen to specific music (relaxing music to calm down, upbeat music to get energy, favorite song to get psyched… (mental)

• Have someone tell you a joke (emotional)

• Look at a picture of a favorite person (emotional)

• Read an inspirational quote (mental)

• Go for a walk or quick jog around the building (physical)

• Splash cold water on your face (physical)

• Re-read a great note, card or email someone gave you which put you in a great State (emotional)

• Drink lots of water (gets more fluid in system, brain operates more clearly) (physical)

• High-5 someone (physical)

• Look at something in nature (like a cloud passing in the sky) for a few minutes solid. (mental)

• Drink caffeine (physical)

• Ask someone in your immediate space to tell you their favorite thing about one of their friends/kids/you (mental)

• Stand up and stretch (physical)

• Recall a time you felt completely loved and accepted by someone (emotional)

• Do some jumping jacks (physical)

• Get something to eat with extra protein, light on the starches. Protein gives you more brainpower, starches make your brain tired. (physical)

• Visualize yourself nailing whatever then next challenge is all the way through to the celebration at the end. (mental)

When in doubt, remember- physical is the fastest to manipulate easily.  Despite the war you may be having in your head, you can still force yourself to do something physical pretty quickly.  Move your body, and your State will follow.

Make your own list. 

Take what I’ve given you here, and add on to it. The State changes that will work best for you are the ones you create and tweak to perfection yourself by doing and doing again. Then get your complete list onto your phone or your wall or somewhere you can see and access it easily (because the moments you really need a State change are the ones where you can’t think of one to save your life).

Get strategic.                                                                                                                        
You should now have a new awareness of your State, and soon you’ll also have a new muscle of State Management to flex in response to your world, moment to moment. Awesome. Aaaand…                                                                                                           
The power of State in your performance, influence and accomplishment will come in the way you also use State strategically. Covey taught us to “start with the end in mind” and that everything’s created twice- first in your head, then a second time in real life. Most interpret this as planning it all out in actions and approaches… without ever considering the power of State.. a huge miss. We can and have watched two leaders execute identical brilliant plans, and get wildly different results. Often it comes down to State, and which leader’s in the most effective State to set their own performance, focus and contagious attention the right way, as they model and lead it.

So, map out your State strategically into the plan. What State will you want to be in as you ideate with the team? As you work with that one person whose ideas you love but pushes your buttons? As you crank out all the content and plan, heads-down? As you pitch to your potentials? As you facilitate the stakeholders? As you go into that one week which you know even now will test you with multiple demands?  As you call out and celebrate the wins of the team with them even though you’ll want to be further along? Every one of these will need you to be in a different State to guarantee its ease and success. Choose them proactively and intentionally.

And then there’s the rest of your team, and their State.  You can directly move that, too.  Next, in Part 3…

NOTE: This is Part 2 of a 3-part series on the power of State. Check out 1 & 3 also!

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013