It’s a shift, it makes all the difference, and you can do this. Five minutes…
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Power & Off-Ramps
The simple on/off ramps connecting the highway to the rest of the world are things we take for granted, yet clutch.
My office is attached to my home, which is good and bad. The very thing that makes it really great and really hard is the distance between work and the rest of my life (family, home, etc). It's about 3 inches- the thickness of the door to my office.
Within the worlds we work and lead every day, we have a certain amount of momentum, speed and influence.
Relatively speaking, people listen to us, respond to us quickly (again- all relative), and look to us for direction and leadership when we enter a room or conversation. All of that gives us a sense of, well... POWER. The more effective we are in our work, the more we get it. The more we get it, the more it gives us energy and motivation. Which conditions and fuels us to keep that momentum, even accelerating.
This is an important thing to acknowledge, because it feeds us more than we know all day, every day in that world. While we have pressure and responsibility with leadership, it’s tempered by that rush we get from the impact, intensity, pace and immediate feedback of influence from our decisions and actions.
In many ways, as we go along in this work-world, it’s as if we’re going 70 mph on a highway, with momentum. Our peers are going at that same pace with similar direction, acceleration and power, and it’s all flowing consistently. Like that highway, sometimes we don't even realize how fast we're moving, until...
At the end of the day or the week, we enter a different world- NOT work.
Relative to that world of work, this is like driving on sidestreets, where it's a completely different way to navigate with many others who are on very different paths, going different ways, at different speeds. Pedestrians, cyclists, cars turning right in front of us. Definitely not the place to go 70 mph, focusing full steam ahead.
There’s a REASON for offramps.
What would happen if the offramp from the highway to the side street you just traveled was only 3 inches long? Ridiculous, right? We'd wrecklessly careen into that other world, and potentially cause all sorts of damage coming into it at highway speed, yes? Well, perhaps that's exactly what's happening.
In my case, when I'm not traveling or at a team's site for work, my transition from one world to another is only 3 inches long, from one side of the door to the other. While I have another door which goes to the outside, I instead use the one which exits straight back into the busiest part of my family's world. Bam- right from the highway, going 70 mph into the 4-way intersection of cars- some stopped, others going different directions at different times and speeds, with pedestrians mixed in. No offramp. Unsurprisingly, that transition is often jarring for at least someone in the mix (sometimes me, sometimes others, innocently doing their pedestrian thing as they should).
My office setup makes the challenge very visible. Yours may be less obvious, but it's there. Have you used your entire commute home on business calls, then walked into your house (even past a family member) still on a call? Have you brought your laptop and work right into the the middle of everything non-work? Do you tell your friends and family, "just give me one more minute" while you disappear into email or texting to get one more thing handled, missing what's happening right in front of you?
Many of us come off of our workday or flow into the world of our families and personal relationships without creating, using or acknowledging an offramp. It’s as if we speed off the highway without that important strip to slow us down, still going 70 mph, then get irritated with everyone else going half that pace because they’re not moving with the flow we're used to and still expecting.
That power, pace and flow of decision that exists for us in the world of work and leadership doesn’t exist in the same way in the rest of our lives. In fact, many of us have experienced people in our personal lives reacting much the same way any innocent drivers on a side street, going along at 25mph would react to someone plowing through at 70mph- “knock it off!”
We’ve all had someone in our personal lives remind us that we’re not their coach or leader or boss, yes?
We've gotten more impatient with our loved ones or kids when they don't listen and respond to us with the way we think they should, yes?
We’ve all gotten irritated and impatient with someone’s (slow) response time outside of work, yes?
Many people I coach tell of their personal relationships suffering at the cost of this. They were still going at 70mph and missed the things happening at 25mph (like people in their lives finding their own paths, disconnecting, etc.). Spouses, family, friends. . .
I'm finding that the more I pay attention to my transitions on and off that freeway of my workworld, the more present I'm able to be in ALL the moments- with my family, with my clients and work, with my projects and in the precious moments of just being by myself.
At the end of the day, sometimes this means creating my own off ramp, since there isn't one built in for me. This might mean driving the long way home to finish the call and give myself a few minutes with the windows down and music up to clear my head before I pull into the driveway. Taking the back door out of my office to take a transition walk all the way around the house to come in the way everyone else does. Turning the computer off and leaving it off. Leaving my phone on my desk instead of having it attached to me all the time. Getting outside with my kids to play what they're playing. Turning off all the devices and just talking and connecting with my husband without distraction at the end of the day.
So, where’s your offramp?
Do you have one? Do you use it? Does it cause you to slow down, enter into a different speed and traffic pattern as those around you and pay attention? What happens when you don't?
Create new and deliberate ones. Here's a start:
- Consciously think about the role you just came out of (like "boss") and choose which you're transitioning into (like "partner"). Get yourself in that mindset...how does a partner show up differently than a boss?
- Finish the call, the email, the other-focus, and give yourself a distinct buffer of time and state change before you walk into that other world.
- Give yourself a ritual to mentally, emotionally and physically clear your head of one world and transition into the other (like taking the last 5 minutes of your drive home to be off the phone, listening to your favorite song, loud).
- Create clean lines. Declare "done for the day" to yourself and everyone else who's impacted by it, and do what's necessary to stick to that (computer off, phone in bag, etc.).
As lines blur between the speedzones in our lives, check yourself and your ramps. Then notice your navigation improve.
©SarahSinger&Co. 2013
The Power of STATE, Part 1…
Ever fallen asleep while reading in bed?
Your body did that.
Ever blush when you were trying hard to keep your cool?
Your emotions did that.
Ever felt sort of sick, but powered through something pretty successfully anyhow?
Your mind did that.
These kinds of things happen to you all the time, right?
Well, they actually happen more than you even realize, and you can use what’s going on there to determine and choose how your moments, interactions and days go rather than just allowing them to happen to you.
It’s called State, and you’re in one right now.
Not the geographic State like California, but your State as in where you are mentally, emotionally and physically at any given moment. You could be curious, riveted, bored, excited, tired, irritated, focused, creative, playful… these are all States.
Often people refer to their moods, which is pet peeve of mine, since it implies emotion only, and is actually inaccurate. There’s a lot more to where you are right now than just emotion, and you can actually manage it more easily than you’d think.
This is one of my favorite topics to coach, and a lot of fun to play with. It’s also one of the most important distinguishing factors between people who are “good” and people who are masters; think Michael Jordan vs. every other b-ball player (still), Peyton Manning vs. every other quarterback. Not only are they masters of their talent, they are also masters of their own State from second to second. Under tremendous pressure, they get and hold themselves perfectly aligned mentally, emotionally AND physically to outperform everyone else. This is key not only for them, but for you too. Why?
Performance is State-dependent.
Learning is State-dependent.
Attention is State-dependent.
Focus is State-dependent.
Whether or not you can perform, learn or focus as you want or need to completely depends on your State.
Here’s the piece people miss, which is the crucial…
State is always comprised of three interconnected parts: thoughts (mental), feelings (emotional) and position/action (physical). These are key, because every time one of these parts shift, the other two shift as well. Every time.
Change one part, you change them all. Every time.
Think about it…
You’re working, start to get bored, so get up and walk around for a minute. You sit back down, and you’re refocused. That’s a physical trigger shifting where you were mentally/emotionally. OR…
You’re tired, but talk yourself into working out anyhow. You don’t even get winded, have energy that surprises you, and get into a great workout . That’s a mental trigger shifting where you were physically/emotionally. OR…
You’re feeling cranky, tired and distracted, then someone calls or texts who always makes you smile or laugh. You come away from them on your phone happy, energized, and thinking more clearly. That’s an emotional trigger changing where you were emotionally/mentally/physically.
Every one of those is called a State Change, and you actually have lots of them all day long.
The question is this: Are they just happening to you or are you choosing them deliberately?
States get triggered by all sorts of things. Situations, conversations, episodes. Recurring triggers exist all over, too. These are called anchors, or associations to particular States. Common anchors are certain people (just seeing that one person’s name come up on your email or voicemail list triggers a certain State),
smells (recently a waiter was a completely thrown by how much my perfume was an anchor to his ex-girlfriend… awkward!),
music (that’s why your favorite show doesn’t change it’s theme song- it’s your trigger for an excited, anticipatory State to be ready for tuning in), and
places (that one spot where you… will always trigger the same memory and corresponding State…).
The mind-body connection has lots of research, and we’ve even come to reference “mind over matter” to explain how we performed despite ourselves or as a tactic to employ when we need to get “in the zone.” That’s really State we’re referencing, in moments when we’ve deliberately managed it- changed, accessed, set it so well that we could perform beyond the circumstances or what we normally could. Athletes and entertainers do this all the time pregame or preshow, in order to set themselves for their best performance. Why not you?
You can learn it…
Master State Management, and you’re on your way to guaranteeing your own performance.
The best examples to watch are in sports. To me, it’s a great fishbowl where I love to study moments, patterns and techniques of State management and mastery (or not).
Take basketball…
The foul shot in basketball is the ultimate test of State. Technically, it’s the easiest shot there is- straight in front of the basket, nobody interfering, the same every time. And yet… it’s not the easiest shot, because it’s really a test of being able to set and hold State. This is brilliant, in my opinion. Elite, uber-talented professional basketball players screw up this shot. Some chronically. Why? Change one, you change them all. There’s no question of whether they can physically make the shot- of course they can. They have and will nail thousands of foul shots, maybe even with their eyes closed. Not the point. You put them on the foul line with pressure of the win in jeopardy, slow time down, and then it’s not about physical or technical ability. It’s about being able to set and hold State. It’s mental and emotional… and if these aren’t set it automatically, literally handicaps their physical ability in that moment to hit the shot or not. All connected, all the time.
The difference between you and an NBA star…
Actually quite a few, right? So, you may not be a professional basketball player, but I’d wager that your performance may actually have more at stake to it than that player on the foul line for one shot in one game. Yours is about performing as a the right leader to your team, creator of the ground-breaking idea, or listener for another human being. Your State matters.
Think of it as the glue that holds everything else (your talent, your ability, your knowledge) together. If you have those things and you can manage your State well, you’re set. If you have all that, but can’t hold your State, you’re inconsistent at best.
So- let’s get you some State mastery, yes?
You can change your own and other people’s States in an instant, and it will make all the difference between good and great, control vs. none over the quality of your experiences and ultimately…what you can generate in your own performance.
I coach to this every day, so if you really want to dive in, let’s chat. Meanwhile, we’ll take a few posts to mess with it and build these critical new muscles for you. This is truly just Part 1.
For now…
•Wake up a new self-awareness… of your State.
To get more out of your moments and mastery over your State, you have to first be able to call it in the moment. What State are you in right now? Hopefully it’s something like curious, focused, or intrigued as you’re reading this . If it’s not any of those, see if you can give it a name. “Good” and “bad” don’t cut it for pinpointing a State. Get more specific, like: Focused, energized, calm, anticipating, inspired, motivated, determined, enthusiastic, excited, curious, open, reflective, peaceful, etc.
OR
Doubting, restless, critical, frustrated, annoyed, grouchy, sad, angry, restless, anxious, distracted, defensive, judging…
If you find yourself thinking “I don’t know what State I’m in,” see if one of those listed fits, and your brain will usually work out the right answer from the contrast… “No- that’s not it, it’s really….!”
•Pay close attention to WHAT, WHO and WHEN your States get triggered or are vulnerable.
You’ll notice that your State might be a really good one like curious, creative, focused, open… but then it gets messed with by something, which spins you into an unproductive State like stressed, irritated, mad, complacent, crabby, taskmaster, or whatever.
For example, certain people trigger States for you. Who sets yours off every time? Good or bad?
Or, it could be a certain topic that does it.
Or, it could be a certain time of day that does it to you.
Or it could be situational- like getting feedback.
Or, it could be particular people, songs, places or smells that trigger certain States as anchors. Pay attention.
•Find your triggers and use them.
Anchors for certain States are all around you- good and bad. It takes extra awareness to realize when your State is being triggered, in the moment. Try calling it, then use anchors to your advantage.
Place that stresses you? Get out of there and avoid it if possible- switch it up.
Favorite song that fires you up? Listen to it before the big presentation.
Shirt that makes you feel invincible? Wear it for the big meeting.
Scent that calms you? Wear it when you know you’re anxious.
Photo that reminds you of a great/successful/peaceful/connected moment? Get it onto your wall or phone where you can look at it when you’re off.
There’s a lot more to this. We’re just getting started. This is enough to mess with for a week.
Next time…
Deliberately setting or changing your State- in the moment and strategically.
Getting other people’s states and how to change those, too.
Meanwhile, stay tuned to yourself, and see how quickly you can call out your own State. You’ll be way ahead of most people around you.
NOTE: This is Part 1 of a 3-part series on the power of State. Check out 2 & 3 also!
©SarahSinger&Co. 2013
Double-edged...
A long-time coaching client recently told me that his biggest peeve about me as a coach is that I don’t ever just let him be where he is if it’s a negative place. I always have to turn the conversation eventually to movement somehow- “so now what…” or “let’s talk about what you can DO with that…” when what he really might want in the moment is to just be in it rather than move through it. Me doing my job or not?
It’s true- I have a propensity for forward motion, getting people on board, steps toward the horizon, no matter what. It’s in my language, my patterns, my material, my teaching. It’s gotten me into immense success and trouble throughout my life so far. It’s definitely what makes me great at what I do, and really challenging to people in my life at the same time. A true double-edged sword with really sharp blades on both sides.
I’m guessing that you have some strengths like this too, yes? What is it that makes you great at what you’re great at, yet is maddening to others?
In StrengthFinder, I’ve got:
Activator • Strategic • Ideation • Command • Relator • WOO • Individualization
How it’s been described in feedback I’ve gotten from others…
The upsides:
- Taking action when everyone else is swirling in the discussion for too long.
- Facilitating other people’s process quickly to get them to move through it to resolution or breakthrough.
- Being able to see the path out of the mire as a guide for teams.
- Having an instinct for the big elephant in the room (or issue/situation), calling it, so all can move on.
- Energizing rooms full of stuck, bored people to inspired action and change.
- Taking groups farther than they’ve ever gone before.
- Getting people to try things they’ve never tried before, and having fun doing it.
- Creating change and possibility where it was needed for a long time.
- Empowering people to walk away feeling that it was their idea all along.
- Turning someone from frustration and stuckness to resourcefulness and excitement about what’s possible.
The downsides:
- Being too reactive.
- And impatient.
- Pushing too hard.
- Not accepting “no” for an answer.
- Moving too fast.
- Being too positive or focusing too much on the positive.
- Always ending the conversation with what’s possible when someone wants to just stay with what is or what their complaint is.
- Being too charismatic (really?) and convincing when someone wants to hold their position.
- Being hard to slow down when I’ve decided to go after something.
Of course I would argue that a lot of those “downsides”-complaints are often exactly what’s needed in a situation, even though they’re uncomfortable for others. My wiring for unsettledness when I see an opportunity for change I might be able to impact is what drives me. I can’t NOT go there in my head, although I can quell it for short periods of time in my actions or speaking (usually by request of others). That never lasts very long before I can’t take it anymore, so speak out or take action anyhow. I also get that this pattern often has clear costs, usually to those around me.
What are your instincts which you can’t turn off, which kick into gear every time? Have you identified them as strengths? While every trait has an up and downside, finding the way to leverage them as strengths is the key.
So again, it comes down to balance, intention and acceptance.
I am forever tinkering with the balance of my own actions and patterns. A self-awareness of my own presence and how it gets on people around me is critical. Some days I’m better at that awareness than others, which has everything to do with my own state management. Putting the focus back on the others around me and really noticing their responses to my way- both verbal and not (tonality, eyes, facial muscles, blink patterns and movements) helps me to balance my responses.
Are you noticing the responses you’re eliciting all the time, both spoken and unspoken? Choosing next steps based on that response helps.
Intention is what I always come back to, in order to make the Why of my course clear. I often state my authentic intention in conversations explicitly (“…I’m telling you this because I’m committed to your success, and I think this will help…”) so that people can trust where I’m coming from. While this doesn’t always work (if there’s no trust to begin with), it’s the most honest thing I can do, so I keep putting it out there.
People will always make up your intention in their head unless you state it clearly. If there’s any tension or mistrust, they’ll assume your intention to be negative. Check yours, make sure it’s pure, and state it.
In the end, I accept that my wiring is what it is. It brings incredible strength and also thorny challenges. While I have no plans to change who I am, I am learning how to also accept that I must flex more than I might want to when my strengths aren’t working for others, and cultivate more patience. I trust my coaches, teams and trusted advisors to give me the feedback I need to pivot when necessary (though I need to ask for it more). I also accept that my every action has ripple effect way beyond what I can see no matter what.
So do yours, by the way. As you trust your instincts and choose your actions, accept that you’re impacting more than you know all the time. Have your fully accepted both the greatness and challenges of your wiring? What are both sides, and their impact on your world?
Intentionally or not, who we are, what we think and how we act in moments and patterns- have impact and influence all the time. The more we put it out there in the world, the more impact it has, for better or for worse. Who I am, and who you are is both awesome and troublesome- always. A true double-edged sword with really sharp blades on both sides.
So really self-mastery means learning then mastering dexterity with both edges of one’s sword. I’m on it.
©SarahSinger&Co. 2012
Add Water
We all have elements which act as triggers for particular states. There are particular songs which fire us up, foods that comfort us, outfits that give us confidence, photos that make us smile every time. It’s key to know what your best triggers are, and be able to access them when needed. Having the right playlists on your iPhone, the right visuals in your workspace and the right clothes for your power presentations are important.
Then there are other triggers which are less accessible, less portable, more experiential and episodic. Yesterday, I was struck by one of the most powerful triggers I have in the world, which I’ve been missing and didn’t even realize it. Water.
There’s something about water that calms me. The sound of it lapping, the view of it meeting the horizon, the feel of it surrounding me- all give me peace like nothing else. Growing up in a lake family, I have had strong and layered associations with water throughout my life. I learned both independence and team, discipline and open exploration, outlet and competition, solo space and family connection… all on and around the water.
Yesterday we arrived to the first day of my family’s annual lake reunion yesterday, and the second I came to the water to greet my siblings, it hit me. In that moment, my breathing slowed down, the wrinkles in my forehead smoothed, and I felt all the muscles in my body relax.
The crazy thing about it, is that most of the time I’m nowhere near water, and hadn’t even realized that I miss it. While I’ll always prefer a warm vacation on the water to a cold vacation with snow, but never really got the importance of water for me until yesterday. As I write this now, I’m listening to the waves, glancing up at an expanse of lake stretching to Canada, and soaking it all up as fuel to use later. I’m capturing the sounds and images to call back up when I need them. While the stored versions will never be as powerful as being here now, they might serve in combination with some well-placed visits throughout the year to recharge.
So- what are your most powerful, positive triggers which ground you, focus you, calm you or psych you up? Certain songs, places, mementos, photos... the ones that transport you to a great place mentally & emotionally are anchors for productive, great states.
Locate and strategically place portable anchors (playlists labeled on your phone by energy, photos as wallpaper on your phone, memento from last huge win, kept on your desk), to set yourself up for success all the time.
Then also look for the big permanent experiential ones too (like this lake for me right now), which you may need to plan for as strategic, regular fill-ups on your path. They set your state, your mindset and your orientation to the world instantly, so... place them well.
©SarahSinger&Co. 2012
Shower Moments
I actually don’t have “shower moments” in the shower. You know- the ones where great insights come to you, and everything becomes clear. I have those moments running. Being as kinesthetic-visual (with a preference for horizons and tree-gazing) as I am, running is my very best way to synthesize, get perspective, work through something, or get a much needed connection I’ve been noodling over. Runs like this morning- a brief 25 minutes on a sunny Saturday- are ideal for making sense and learning out of the week or, in this case getting clarity on a single piece of the week I needed to resolve. While running isn’t for everyone, it’s pretty critical to know your most reliable, effective way to get there, and make it part of your routine.
Take a look at your patterns and what things you do to find that clarity on your own. While I’m a big fan of talking with others to work through things (hello- my career), I think it’s clutch to have your own reflective way to get there, too. Great leaders, performers, athletes and practitioners of all kinds keep honing their talents and skills with self-awareness, self-insights and change- otherwise known as personal learning. While I absolutely subscribe to the imperative for mastery of needing to surround ourselves with great coaches and those who ask more of us than we do of ourselves, I think that only works best if we can also get to the best insights on our own, regularly. That’s best done when you create a space/practice in which it can occur.
I know it’s been a good run when I actually forget that I’m running. When I’ve been so deep in thought that I look around and seem to have skipped a few blocks of my route. Today was one of those, and as a result I’m much clearer on a challenge I’ve been working on all week.
That said, I think I’ll go have my version of a shower moment- a time to let the brain turn off, let the water block out the world, rinse out residual thoughts for a few minutes, and reset. We all need practices in which both these things can occur.
What are yours?
©SarahSinger&Co. 2012
Ripples and Focus
Single sculling on a glassy lake- meditative, challenging, peaceful.
I got hooked into it with my dad when I was a teenager, as we spent hours on Atwood Lake learning it, alternating between 2-man sculling together and single sculling on our own. As I went off to college, he continued to row, solo on the lake every morning the northern Ohio weather would allow.
There’s no better place to contemplate choice, impact and the ripple effect than in the middle of a glassy lake. When single sculling, your orientation is to where you’ve been and how you got there, rather than where you’re going. You’re on a sliding seat with two long oars fit into outriggers, the bow of the boat pointing through the water while you power it with long, full-body, full-blade strokes of the oars feathered into and over the water in perfect synchronicity. At least that’s the goal. Therein lies the challenge. To get both oars perfectly balanced, dipped into and pulled through the water at exactly the same depth, force and speed takes focus and control with constant motion. To get each stroke evenly powered first by legs, then torso, then arms, then feathering the oars perfectly out of the water and skimmed back over it without nicking the surface takes a different kind of focus and coordination. Like sailing (my other favorite), you can both lose yourself in it and spend your life hooked by the challenge of the nuance in it. A thinking person’s sport, to be sure.
One of the coolest parts of sculling is that you see feedback and progress with every stroke. Because you’re facing to the aft of the boat, your focus is on where you’ve been, watching the wake your boat is leaving behind, the pools of ripple left by each oar. If your timing was off by half a second between oars, you see it in the ripples. If you had a perfect stroke, you see it in perfect round pools on either side of your straight wake. As you gain distance, the trail of pools down the lake chart your progress and path- straight, zig-zagging or meandering. Each circle of ripples expands instantly, first in distinct circles of light and shadow, multiplying instantly and quickly, ultimately overlapping into the very texture of the lake.
Most people have a default time orientation- past, present or future. I’m definitely a future-oriented person, sometimes challenged to stay in the moment, as I’m always thinking 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 years ahead of where I am now. This makes me a good coach and consultant, as I’m great at quickly surveying past patterns (but restless in dwelling there too long), zooming in on the impact they’re having now, and then strategizing both the right path forward and endless possible scenarios forward with insight. I love to reflect, yet sometimes need to remind myself to do so, often feeling afterward like it was an indulgence. I am big on feedback and learning, so I’ve learned how to strategically and quickly reflect enough to gather feedback when necessary- but always to learn forward. I am continually striving to (and coaching others to) be more fully present in each moment. The more I can master this, the more impact and fulfillment I make/get out of every moment. Meditation is the extreme version of this. I’m intrigued by it, have gotten tremendous value out of the dabbling I’ve done in it, and have a perpetual goal of making it a habit. Sculling forces me to keep my focus backward, forcing reflection and in the present, adjusting each stroke and coordinated movement based on what I just did. Focusing forward or to the future isn’t even possible without physically turning around. Opposite of life for me- always focused forward, having to consciously stop and intentionally turn around to reflect backward.
One of my favorite parts of sculling is just coasting… After a few long, powerful strokes the boat glides smoothly and silently through the water. I hold my oars up to rest as I glide, and watch the water drip from them into the water moving past. The drops make tiny circles, which grow instantly to ripples, which multiply faster than I can track smoothly, beautifully and overlapping into the ripples of the drop before it. Every move we make, every conversation we have, every decision in life we conquer- intentionally or not makes these ripples, which expand into the texture of our lives. How much are we tracking them, studying them, choosing our next moves based on them?
©SarahSinger&Co. 2011
Airways
It’s all about getting perspective.
This is most obvious to me in looking at the world through airplane windows for many continuous minutes on end, like the one in this picture, somewhere above the clouds between Ohio and California.
Sometimes the rhythm of a day or week or couple of months feels labored, like a sprint within a marathon… and at the same time fleeting- like “where did that month go?” It’s a strange sensation in time, and unsettling.
I’ve found myself more and more saying things like, “How did it get to be July- wasn’t it just fall?” or (to one of my three quickly growing kids) “How did you get to be so big all of the sudden?” These are the kinds of statements I used to hear adults say when I was little, and thought to myself how old and out of touch with reality they were.
I don’t think I’m that old or out of touch with reality- even proud that I’m not, yet…
Yet, one of the challenges for me is the balance of being completely present in the moment- with my work, my family or in those rare moments by myself- and keeping perspective on where it all fits (strategically or organically) in time and space and reality, then negotiating those tensions.
The #1 reason I’ve had for a long time for not doing most of the things I know I should in my life (from sleeping as much as I should to putting laundry away to creating baby photo albums for my now-big kids) and in my business (from getting an assistant to handling expense reports to training someone to teach my programs) has been that “I don’t have time.”
From clients, friends and family, I hear this reason of not enough time for not doing things, taking action or just taking a breath from people all the time, and I get it. I do.
Yet…
I’m realizing that it’s less about making time for things, and more about creating AIRWAYS.
I was in a coaching conversation recently with someone who was going that direction… “I don’t have time to…” The description was one I understood well- feeling like it’s getting harder and harder to breathe because there’s no space in this current self-created reality to even do that- and I found myself coaching, “…exactly why you need to do it anyway- youneed to create an airway!” It was one of those coaching moments I was proud of, because it connected… it was true for this person, and is true for me a lot of the time, too. It opened up some possibility all the way around. Maybe for you, too?
In that sprint-within-the-marathon cadence of my life sometimes, the only way to get more air into my lungs is to go find it. Like someone crashing on an ER cart who can’t ask for the air because they can’t get enough of it to speak the words, I too often go into autopilot of shallow breathing stress without reaching out for an airway, and these are the very days and weeks I find myself missing in my perspective of time- hence, “How did it get to be July?”
So I’ve been on a personal campaign of finding my airways and using them consciously. It’s interesting to note, that the more I seek them out and choose them, the more I use them unconsciously, too.
Some of my current airways:
Jumping on the trampoline, listening to a great song, singing in the band I don’t have time to be in, calling and talking to a loved long-distance friend for even five minutes, working out to that point when my brain shifts from physical work to release, writing like this, looking up at the sky or trees for several minutes, holding hands with my son, reading books with my girls, saying the words, “energy, easy,” making my husband or one of my kids laugh really hard, looking out an airplane window down at the Earth, working with teenagers despite any other work I'm doing, sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night to play the piano while everyone's sleeping, getting regular coaching myself, going on real dates with my husband, photographing nature, watching a TED talk, doing or creating or learning anything new.
I now understand that these things are not just bonus “nice-to-have-if-I-have-time-after-what-I really-need-to-get-done”, which is how I’ve always looked at them. They’re actually essential for me to be complete, vital and the person I want to be. If I don’t have a good dose of them mixed into my daily life, everything else I do gets compromised- including my work, my impact, my patience, my ability to be present, my relationships and absolutely my perspective on it all.
So... what are your airways?
Hint: they're those things that fill you up every time, change your State in a great way, and leave your overall capacity for everything else you do better and bigger, breathing more fully (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually).
Find those airways, note them, then wedge them in. Especially when you don't have time. That's when they bring the most oxygen.
©SarahSinger&Co. 2010
Weeding My Brain
I actually love to weed. Right after a big rain. Even for five minutes, like I just did outside my office door.
The satisfaction that comes with pulling a giant weed out and getting the whole taproot at once is amazing. It’s right up there with cracking open a crab’s leg and pulling all of the meat out in one piece, or tossing a grape into the air and actually catching it square in your mouth.
While I’m a person committed to challenge, big hairy projects to solve and change, intense feedback and keeping myself on a continuous learning curve, I also get that it has to be balanced by things in my life that are simple, visceral, concrete straightforward wins. I’ve been known to disappear from a big intense question or a house full of unfinished projects for an hour outside of pulling weeds. In that one hour, I can get so much that would take many hours in my office to accomplish…
Every square foot of earth I cover looks different than when I started- immediate feedback of concrete impact.
I soak up the saturated colors, smells and sounds of nature vs. the comparatively pale world inside- altered perspective on things.
I get completely out of my head full of thoughts and into my senses- smelling the dirt, feeling the resistance of the roots against my pull, watching the micro-world of the scurrying bugs among the plants- truly quieting the chatter in my head.
Quick wins, concrete impact, altered perspective, clearing one’s head. The ultimate in State Change.
Where are your opportunities like these- 5 minute windows to step outside our normal path which can alter our reality, change our state enough to send us back into the game different, able to see new hues, catch new insights, tap different energy to make the difference? Find them, seize them, use them as your fuel.
©SarahSinger&Co. 2010
Surfmaster
Today was a great learning day because I got to be both a student and the product of a great teacher.
Those of you who know me won’t think that’s anything out of the ordinary, since I’m one who constantly looks for the learning in most every situation, believes that things happen and people are placed for a reason, and defines the value of a day by what was learned. The tag line on my cards and pens is “learn something” because it’s my refrain for most situations. Today was different, though, because it wasn’t about me just looking for the learnings within the normal experiences of life- I actually signed up and paid for it.
In the gift of a single day off in Hawaii before teaching a workshop tomorrow, I signed up for a surfing lesson. Just the idea of signing up and stepping out of my Comfort Zone was exciting to me- yet the experience itself was even better. In the 90 minutes of my lesson I not only learned to surf, but got to experience and validate what happens when learning is set up to succeed by great teaching.
I arrived to my instructor Richard eager and ready to learn, although a bit nervous. While I didn’t choose it at the time, this is the ideal combination state for a learner to be in (to a great teacher). Richard expertly read my State and quickly assessed my prior experiences to see what he had to work with, then immediately began to set me up for success.
After some on-shore coaching, we paddled out, and it wasn’t long before I got up and rode a wave on my first try! As Richard cheered me on I proclaimed, “that was so much easier than I thought it would be!” His response, “That’s because you have a great teacher, the right board and a perfect day.” From beach to final wave, that precious 90 minutes seemed to both fly yet be vivid as slow motion. I had great success because it was the perfect formula for easy learning, and Richard was right. . .
While I was hooked from the beginning yet distracted by the little voice in my head doubting my ability and ultimate surfer potential, Richard casually but precisely directed, modeled, set me up on each wave and celebrated every right move I made. For each wave I rode, he high-fived me and told me how great I was while correcting me simultaneously. When I fell, I saw the slight disappointment on his face quickly countered with zeroing in on the right coaching to keep me relaxed and improving right away. I felt his commitment to my success, I wanted to make him proud, and easily listened to him instead of my critical little voice. I paid close attention, followed instructions and mirrored him as best I could while he found my waves, pushed me off into them, and I surfed! With every wave, he steadily decreased how much assistance he gave me until the big moment when he said “I’m going to catch this one too, and ride it with you.” That was the ultimate moment of proving myself to my teacher and myself- I surfed on my own next to him, and we celebrated!
I got to have a great, fun, easy experience because Richard deftly modeled great teaching as he…
- entered my world
- earned the right
- tapped my WIIFM
- had a 10 over my head no matter what
- celebrated every success
- checked in with me early and often
- read and managed my State for me
- taught me visually, auditorally and kinesthetically
- pushed me out of my Comfort Zone
- set me up for success!
In my work I’m always in the teaching/coaching position. This I love, do passionately and get a tremendous amount of learning from itself every time. It’s rare that I get to overtly be on the receiving end of a great teacher, so today was a gift. I’m now reminded of how much more I need to seek out deliberately being the student.
And now I’m hooked on surfing. Thank you, Richard!
©SarahSinger&Co. 2010