You, Playing Big

#1   Let’s go back to a moment in your life...You’re about to take the step, and never have before. Nobody knows how huge this moment actually is except you, because you’re the one feeling your heart race, pores sweat, butterflies flapping in your stomach. Every fiber of your body is on red alert. It’s loud inside your head; your little voice is screaming at you, cajoling you, trying to reason with you... pulling out every trick it knows to get you to STOP. Decision time.

The last moment you had like that may have defined you. Because whether or not you took that step, whatever happened afterward either opened something up or shut something down, which is why you’ll remember it forever. 

#2    Try this:  Cross your arms, and then come back.  Great. Now do that again, except this time cross them the other way (other arm on top this time).  That felt weird, right? You wanted to cross them back the first way, didn’t you?

Welcome to your Comfort Zone.

Your comfort zone is drawn as a box, yet in reality is more like a big bubble that surrounds you, going with you wherever you go. But mentally, developmentally and metaphorically, it’s definitely a box that holds all the things you are used to, comfortable with, unconsciously competent at doing and generally unfazed by.

We already know that your little voice steers you through most decisions, and it’s either working for you, against you or in some other direction completely. While you might have a daredevil little voice, you definitely have another one, who's vested in you being consistently, solidly competent. It looks out into the unknown from inside your comfort zone, and says,  “You’re not going to do that. That is the danger zone! You could fail. You could get rejected. Worst of all, you’re going to look really bad!” That same little voice is very vested in you looking good all the time. Stepping out into that danger zone, you could definitely look pretty bad, even stupid. So we usually don’t. Unless we do.

So, with that, think for a moment about your own comfort zone, and how you protect it in the name of credibility and strength. One of my favorite researchers, Dr. Brene Brown (a vulnerability expert) digs into the conflict of how we view vulnerability in ourselves vs. how we view it in other people. Think about a leader who stands up and shares something personal, who admits a mistake, who visibly takes a step out there, owns it, and then carries on, strong. Universally, we’re inspired by that, yet we don’t want to do it ourselves, right? Brown points out that we tend to see vulnerability as “courage in you, but weakness in me.” A dilemma, right? Brown asserts that “Vulnerability may actually be our most accurate measure of courage. In 15,000 pieces of data, I could not find one instance of courage that wasn’t completely underpinned by vulnerability.”

SO... How could you step out, showing some human vulnerability (and therefore courage) to blaze the trail for your team to step out? It’s time. 

What have you been avoiding, working around or wishing you could do?  Where do you know you need to push yourself into the growth zone?  Where are you playing small? If you’re feeling a little discomfort thinking about it, you’re on the right track. So, it just depends on where your little voice pops up, and starting to challenge it in order to take on that box, and bust through.

This gets tricky as your "leadership position" gets more prominent. The stakes of your decisions get higher, the value of your expertise and mastery more focused. You've spent a lot (time, work, rungs) earning that credibility, so the tendency is to do what you can to stay solidly in that expertise. That’s very different from you in the growth zone, which feels squishier. Stepping out feels vulnerable, so you might stretch your CZ, but only on your own time, when nobody can see, so they don’t have to see you flail. Except if your people never see you stepping out, they never get the model or see you as human, and don’t feel permission to do it themselves. That's not good, and when I get called in later to a dysfunctional culture where people are hiding mistakes, trying to look perfect, imperfectly.

How to expand your zone...

Mark your territory.  What are some things that you know you already do well or comfortably as a leader? This list can be as comprehensive as you want it to be. If you want to write a volume on this subject, go for it, but take a few minutes to map them out; it’s important to get clear about what’s already inside your comfort zone and get your strengths so you can build from there. Next, call out where you need to step out. Own it. 

Look around.  A great way to identify areas to stretch outside your comfort zone is to look at other leaders and the moves they make which you don’t. Or recall situations in which you’ve thought, “Ugh, I wish I could do that,” or “This is not a strong area for me,” or even “Not my style.” ...All big red flags. Then pick one. Or a few.

Step out enough.  Make sure you’re actually stretching yourself to step out in a way that will challenge and stretch your ability to play life bigger, influence further, thrive more solidly. So, while putting my clothes away more often might be different from my norm, it’s not a comfort zone issue. I avoid putting my clothes away because I just don’t like to do it — not because it’s a stretch for me. Pick a true stretch. 

Hold the tension. So is bigger always better? Not necessarily. This isn’t about jumping into the unknown everywhere with reckless abandon—that’s volatile leadership, which you don’t want. Great leaders are strategic and focused, but not limited by their boundaries, which takes a delicate balance of agility. Holding that tension between playing to your strengths and stepping out of your Comfort Zone to expand it takes self-awareness, willingness to call oneself out, and ability to learn efficiently and voraciously. Flex.

Map it.  Write down what the benefit of doing this is for you—what might you have, which you don’t yet? A new confidence, ability to let it go, new domain in your wheelhouse? Then identify what you’ll need to do specifically and different than what you’ve been doing; Have the conversation instead of just thinking about it? Put the ideas out there instead of waiting to be asked? Try out what you know is possible instead of hoping someone else goes first? And finally, identify the key piece; for you to do this, what version of yourself will you need to be (brave? confident? strong? grounded? human?). 

Big yet not so big. Some of the steps you need to take are one-shot-deals; those tough conversations, moments, hurdles you just need to take on rather than waiting for "the right time" (which never appears). That's a whole other category, to check out HERE.

Push it.  You spent more time on the ground, falling than you did upright as you learned to walk. Don’t just step out one time. Do it as many times as you need to, making sure to tweak and refine each time, until you can say, “I can do this,” and can add it to your repertoire. The number one way people keep themselves from a bigger game is quitting too soon. It doesn’t work immediately and/or looks silly, so we do it a couple more times, and then say, “Yeah—that’s enough,” chalking it up to "that's not who I am." But maybe it was really too soon to tell! Keep going.

The bigger your comfort zone, the bigger your opportunity for uninhibited impact. That’s what we want for you—no situation that you come upon where you say, “I don’t think so” just because it’s new territory. You’re playing big and taking it on, as influencers do.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2016

Your Role Might Be Getting In The Way Of Your Talent

Albert Einstein would've been a terrible event planner.

Claude Monet would've been a failure as an accountant.

Napoleon Bonaparte would've made people worse as a therapist. 

...Because our natural wiring doesn't unconditionally fit everywhere. Talent only shows up as strength in the right context.

Your talent is made up of that wiring- your instincts and personal “common sense” which is actually quite different than most everyone around you. It's what you do well without really trying, and the distinguishing impact you create. You just can’t see that, because it’s unconscious for you- truly instinctual. Yet- all of that natural uniqueness can go one way or another- can be seen as genius or problematic, which completely depends on the situation- the context you're in. The key to leveraging your wiring of talent into strength is finding the right setting where they can shine and make impact vs. languish or cause problems. That impact option is actually possible for everyone, and should be our standard as individuals and leaders for others- the ideal role matches for our natural talents, so that individual instinct shows up and shines as brilliance and strength.

I've had both- the problem side and the impact side. 

My talent themes are Activator, Individualization, Strategic, Ideation, Command, Woo and Relator according to StrengthsFinder descriptors, which are spot-on.  As strengths, these make me a great coach, advisor, trainer, consultant and teacher.  In doing that work which taps my core strengths continually, I hone them with use, and get more energized by them all the time. Sounds awesome, right?  

Our strengths actually get stronger and more effective the more we use them in a context that welcomes them. 

Except "strengths" don't always seem so awesome at all... 

They caused a lot of problems for me and many around me until I found the right fit. Infuriating  as a public school teacher where I couldn't change the whole system instantly the way I knew it had to be changed. Frustrating as a student in someone else’s class/program where I was distracted by all the ways I know it could be taught more effectively. Borderline insubordinate as an employee where I didn’t get to make calls about direction or policy. Frustrating as the youngest in my family, in every setting where I was too young or under someone else's wing to choose my own direction. In every one of those contexts my “strengths” actually caused as much friction, tension and stress for everyone involved as they did good. Yes- great questions, life learning and even some positive, forward change came out of those situations too, but painfully.

Admittedly, some of that was personality-based. Yet...I've seen this mis-fit of talent a lot as a coach who gets called in to help in these situations, and usually it goes one of three ways (you'll see I'm number #3): 

1. Person deals with it, compromised.  They can do the role but don't get to do what they do best everyday. So they find ways to exercise and leverage those talents outside of their work or role, and get fulfillment only there. This is the classic "work is just a job" situation, where they never really get fulfillment from it, but see it as a means to an end. And their career never becomes an expression of their talent.

2. Person gets defeated. They don't get to use their talent in their role, resign themselves to "that's just life- gotta do what you gotta do," don't find a place to exercise those talents anywhere else either and feel generally unfulfilled and wondering where/what their talent is. (this is sadly very common)

3. Person forces it. Their talents don't really fit the role, but they push them anyhow, which causes friction in the way they get things done or fit into the culture. Maybe the friction produces some results, but in a grain-of-sand-in-the-oyster-turns-into-a-pearl way which we know gets created out of irritation. 

None of those are good options. YOU need the right fit for your talent, so it can strengthen you, the results and everyone around you.  

So, let me save you some steps and some of that pain...

1. Find out what your Strengths are. 

If you haven’t taken the Clifton StrengthsFinder, please do so. It'll give you an accurate reading and great articulation of how your natural talents bundle together into strengths. It's become the new standard by giving pinpoint specific language to talents and strengths we've bumbled through explaining vaguely and inconsistently before. For your teams, look at each person's strengths individually and how they complement/challenge one another (both good). 

2. Check your strengths against your current situation/role with this quick question… Do I get to do what I do best every day? 

Really think about it, and your answer should be YES.  This was the original question which led to Gallup’s wide and deep research on talent and strength, and one that I use early in mapping areas to coach with clients. Ask the individuals you lead the same. We all have some things we have to get functional competence in, even though they’re not our core strengths- that's life. Yet the bulk of what we do has to leverage our strengths in order for us to ever be truly great or fulfilled. This is actually NOT about balance- you should have far more you're doing from your strengths than not. It's possible that you just haven't found a way to apply your strengths to what you are responsible for every day, so try that first. Then...

3. If you find yourself having to force what you naturally do well into the role, or worse- never able to do it at all, then change roles. 

Otherwise, you'll be forever frustrated, become exhausted trying to be great at what's unnatural for you (challenges are great, but should be add-ons to your core strength) and miss the fulfillment of doing what you are pulled to do easily and better than most people every day. Some of the most heartbreak-turned-inspiration situations I've coached are with people in the wrong position, yet nobody had recognized it or knew what to do about it. We get someone who's "a problem," "struggling" in their motivation, or "underperforming," I do some strength-sleuthing, and we figure out what they could be doing to leverage their talents and benefit the bigger results of the team... as their new job. Sometimes we can find it in how they do their work, sometimes we do switch them/create a different role altogether. Every time there's a transformation in impact, performance, and outlook for everyone involved. Every time I hear about how "results turned around, life got so much easier, yet I feel so much more challenged and engaged in a great way," because their energy is being spent leveraging and building their strengths naturally and effectively rather than trying to force a square peg into a round hole. As a leader, think about where this could be happening for individuals on your team right now.

The ultimate...

You know you're in the right place and tapping your strengths when you do what's instinctual without even thinking about it, and people around you marvel at it as "brilliant." That means you're in the right context, coming from your hard-wired strengths, where it makes impact.

Finally I got the hints in those settings that pushed my strengths to trouble, I got out, got much happier and solved for most of those "problems"…contextually.   I've created a career role which leverages my natural strengths, and I’m able to easily contribute significantly and make impact every day by just doing what I do, thinking the way I think and pushing the way I push instinctually.  You can do this too, by continually checking yourself in roles and situations with that key question applied to your core work: "Do I get to do what I do best?" 

Then you create the holy grail of ultimate fit, where you can work in situations that expand you, and you realize your own genius of talent in action (maybe your new definition of strength)... because it makes all the difference.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2014

The Tricky Thing About Your Type

“You’re such a classic extrovert…”

“It’s just that he’s a misunderstood introvert..” 

“Here’s the thing about leading creatives…”

“I can’t help it- I’m an ENFP…”

…Maybe. 

In our quest to make the world more concrete through the increasing swirl of input… we sort. In trying to get to our own best versions and figure one another out, we love finding new classifications, diagnostics and ways to look at self from different angles- like holding a prism up to the light in different ways to illuminate all its facets. From the brilliant synthesis of brain research and human pattern-spotting, we’ve now got some great frameworks to simplify our layers and classify ourselves beyond just what we do (like CEO, designer, trainer). We can now describe our talents with more accuracy and depth than ever before, get the ramifications of our thinking styles, and adjust our words to best reach someone’s primary learning modality. This accelerates understanding and progress in teams, relationships and leadership, plus unlocks the door of self-awareness. I use them all the time as a coach. We all should. If we’re careful.

There’s a danger I watch closely every day- in crossing a fine line from understanding to pigeonholing. Case in point is the currently popular label-du-jour of Introvert/Extrovert. Sparked by Susan Caine’s illuminating book Quiet to help us understand the introverted brain came a wave of articles, animations and comparison guides to introverts vs. extroverts all over our media feeds. These are informative, yet also pretty skewed and polarizing in their attempts to show distinctions of type through contrast. This happens easily, even when it originates from the decent intention of increasing understanding. Why?

It’s all in the nouns.

Introvert and extrovert started as verbs- to turn inward or outward.

Creative is still mostly an adjective (as it should be). 

Yet like so many other type-labels, they are now used quite often as definitive tags for people, becoming a whole new class of descriptive nouns… which messes with our thinking. Making something temporary like a behavior (introvert: to turn inward) or fluid like a description (creative: relating to or involving the imagination), into a thing that now is (or has to be) that thing all the time is serious. 

Once we slap a label on ourselves or another it gets dicey. A few things happen…

• The good part- Relief. There’s definitely a validating, reassuring little rush we get when a type fits us so well we want to wear it as a badge. Finally, we’re understood. Somebody gets us. There’s a tribe out there for us. We understand ourselves better. We can set ourselves up with the right fit in situations, endeavors and relationships which complement. We have freedom to be how we are, and clear reasoning for how we aren’t. We don’t have to struggle through explanation of what is just our common sense and the way we experience and see things… we can just point to the profile. Ahhhh. 

• The bad part- Typecasting. Once we’ve got a label, the expectations everyone has of us are hard-set. We’re now defined- period, the end. We get to BE that way, but now we’re required to be that way… which can be pretty demanding in some cases, or stifling in others where we stop pushing ourselves to challenge our own perceived limits. Either situation can narrow our own identity too much to be either accurate or healthy. In coaching countless personality types and learners, I’ve met very few people who are 100% anything, since most of us are much more multifaceted and complex than that. For the few who are that limited, they often have a hard time adjusting to the diversity of thinkers out there (a topic for another day). While we of course have patterns, we also have more facets than we might ever understand through which that light is constantly adjusting. The most extroverted people I know have patterns that look really introverted. The most creative geniuses I know have some very unimaginative output sometimes, yet don’t have the freedom to go there because it disappoints a world expecting their “type.” Leonard Nimoy played Mr. Spock for generations of Star Trek… so much so that it inhibited directors and producers’ ability to envision or cast him as any other character, as he wrote in the aptly-titled autobiography I Am Not Spock. Definitely not what we want to do to one another, right? 

• The troubling part… I barely want to type it, but we also know that labels gone amuck can lead to judgment or exclusion, and then prejudice and intolerance. As soon as we start narrowing our definition of ourselves or one another down to single types or positioning some as better than others (we see some of those outlines in the introvert-extrovert stuff), we’re setting up all the ingredients for “Sorry- we gave the position to an Introvert” or “Oh- you’re a creative? We don’t serve your kind here.” 

So Now what? 

This is tricky business, human understanding of self and navigation of personalities. In all my coaching, facilitation and connecting I’ve found that what we all really want is to understand ourselves and be fully understood and accepted by others. So what starts as a way to get quick ahas about personality can turn into characterization, and then we’re defeating our own intentions. 

Try these to keep from collapsing how we are into who we are:

1. Embrace the adjective. 

We are way more expansive than type-labels as people, so watch how you use the nouns. Describe behaviors as behaviors, patterns as patterns, traits as traits… not as people.  

• “he is very creative…” vs. “he is a creative.”

• “she has some strong introverted patterns…” vs. “she is an introvert.”

2. Get a bigger sampling.

Few people are 100% anything. We are a mashup of a lot of traits, talents, themes and tendencies. I love and recommend the Clifton StrengthFinder, because it gives you a spot-on accurate portrait of your top five talent themes rather than just labeling you as one type… so you can accurately see and understand yourselves and others as the nuanced compilation of elements that you really are. Use this with your teams (friends and family, too), and notice how much richer the conversation and understanding of one another becomes.

3. Think of it all in a spectrum. 

If you’re going to also use “type” tools, realize that all traits are in a spectrum. Introvert and Extrovert are two ends of a particular scale, and most people are ambiverts who have characteristics of both yet slide a little more to one side than the other. So keep that spectrum in mind as you use those adjectives, imagining someone more to one side or another, yet possibly moving around on it a little all the time. 

4. Go for portrait vs. caricature.

We love caricature artists at theme parks because it’s fascinating to see what pieces and parts get exaggerated in how others see us. But it’s a pretty bad way to get an accurate picture of one another as humans, even though we try it when we slap the labels on. To get the real picture, we need all the subtleties, range and cool complexity which create distinction. To get that, keep delving, listening and looking into- then adding layers of unique detail to the portraits we have of ourselves and one another. 

…That’s where illumination and connection happens, and we unlock the facets of our brilliance we didn’t even know were there.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2014

Up and Out...

Eyes up and out…

I thrive on horizons.  It’s all over most of my writing, speaking and coaching.  That’s my strength- always seeing or creating the horizon, no matter the situation- for others, for myself, for challenges. The path to get from here to there comes easily, too- my brain automatically conjures several ways at once.  The challenge for me actually occurs when I have to look down. I got that today.

As I set out for a run, most of my normal path was covered with snow and ice- not treacherous, but enough that I had to slow down and really pay attention to every step to avoid falling.  I HATED it. Crazy how much I hated it.  Breathing harder, working to get traction and tensed up as I navigated the right places to land and push off, I found myself completely irritated that I was spending so much energy to go slower when I really wanted to just look up and out at the horizon and run full out toward it.

Gee- a little metaphor, there?  So much about leadership, what it takes to make progress, and of course how I’m wired.

Understanding the focal point that gives you strength is key. 

Part of what it takes to lead and make change happen is being able to see and hold a focal point of what’s possible and where we’re going. Call it vision, horizon, the long view- a future state of what’s possible that’s different from where we are right now. This is critical. Organizations, teams and relationships without this can get mired in what is or what’s always been, which can lead to stagnation, circular issues and overall fatigue. Someone’s got to be able to look up and out of it, see possibility, help everyone else see and focus it vividly, and hold it as the focal point to progress toward.  It’s not that we ignore the present, don’t honor the past or are never looking down, but the pull has to be more forward to the horizon than down at each step on the path.

That ratio of focus is important- notice it. 

Looking primarily down at where to place each step at a time is a different kind of focus.  It’s deliberate, slower and careful. It’s necessary too- so we don’t actually get taken down by landing on some little slippery patch of detail along the way because we’re not paying attention to what we’re doing tactically, step by step.  Having people who are wired to focus this way is critical to balance any good leadership team.  While I can do this, I know it’s not where my patience or strength lie at all… so I really value the people on my team who bring this present, careful step-at-a-time thinking first.  They offer ballast to my horizon.

The key is finding some balance in focal points.  

The first half of the run was miserable, because I was spending more time looking down than up, muscling my way through it to think tactically about each step without losing too much momentum. I kept going because I knew it was only necessary for so long before I could get traction again to accelerate. This is sometimes how I lead, too. I’ll muscle my way through the deliberate slowness (often impatiently) until I can get the necessary traction (right team, right support, right game) to accelerate toward what’s possible again. Then my strength as a leader comes out, and my energy can carry us all forward quickly.

By the second half of the run, I was able to balance a bit more- looking down at my steps, then up at my horizon more equally. Probably more down than I prefer, but doable. Just that little ratio increase of up and out vs. down and narrow helped tremendously.  It actually made me tactically more deft in the moment, able to navigate nimbly and quickly. Toggling between horizon and steps, long view and details, strategy and tactics in running or leading- connects the whole picture enough for my energy to increase, thinking to clear a bit and stride to relax.

Just that added bit of what energizes can be enough to carry and fuel the rest. 

When I finally got back to dry path for the last few legs of my run, I couldn’t help but notice how everything shifted. My gait, my speed, my breath all smoothed, and I accelerated. My thinking opened up, my ideas started flowing again, and I found my stride. Of course I had my direct steps in peripheral sight and looked down to maneuver smartly as needed, but most of my focus was up, out and forward. I was reminded of how instantly fulfilled and impactful I can be when my focal point is where I’m strongest… on the horizon, where possibility is.

This explains why I love the last stretch of every run, including today’s. It’s where I run down the middle of my street, focusing on a precise horizon- the very top of a 4-story tree at the end of the road.  As I do, I quit pushing and become pulled by that treetop, sprinting full out, 100%. Everything peripherally falls away, all the best ideas in my head come together, and I hit my personal best… as I always do with a horizon that’s clear, magnetic and vivid.  Those moments of going full-out with everything I’ve got are exhilarating, symbolic of what’s possible and what we can pull out of ourselves, and definitely what I love the most.  On all of my paths, slogging through the rest to get to that as a person and as a leader is worth it every time.

Find those moments of personal best- both fulfilled and impactful- to make all the rest worth it along your path.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

Double-edged...

A long-time coaching client recently told me that his biggest peeve about me as a coach is that I don’t ever just let him be where he is if it’s a negative place.  I always have to turn the conversation eventually to movement somehow-  “so now what…” or “let’s talk about what you can DO with that…” when what he really might want in the moment is to just be in it rather than move through it.  Me doing my job or not?

It’s true- I have a propensity for forward motion, getting people on board, steps toward the horizon, no matter what.  It’s in my language, my patterns, my material, my teaching.  It’s gotten me into immense success and trouble throughout my life so far.  It’s definitely what makes me great at what I do, and really challenging to people in my life at the same time.  A true double-edged sword with really sharp blades on both sides.

I’m guessing that you have some strengths like this too, yes?  What is it that makes you great at what you’re great at, yet is maddening to others?

In StrengthFinder, I’ve got:

Activator • Strategic • Ideation • Command • Relator • WOO • Individualization

How it’s been described in feedback I’ve gotten from others…

The upsides:

• Taking action when everyone else is swirling in the discussion for too long.
• Facilitating other people’s process quickly to get them to move through it to resolution or breakthrough.
• Being able to see the path out of the mire as a guide for teams.
• Having an instinct for the big elephant in the room (or issue/situation), calling it, so all can move on.
• Energizing rooms full of stuck, bored people to inspired action and change.
• Taking groups farther than they’ve ever gone before.
• Getting people to try things they’ve never tried before, and having fun doing it.
• Creating change and possibility where it was needed for a long time.
• Empowering people to walk away feeling that it was their idea all along.
• Turning someone from frustration and stuckness to resourcefulness and excitement about what’s possible.

The downsides:

• Being too reactive.
• And impatient.
• Pushing too hard.
• Not accepting “no” for an answer.
• Moving too fast.
• Being too positive or focusing too much on the positive.
• Always ending the conversation with what’s possible when someone wants to just stay with what is or what their complaint is.
• Being too charismatic (really?) and convincing when someone wants to hold their position.
• Being hard to slow down when I’ve decided to go after something.

Of course I would argue that a lot of those “downsides”-complaints are often exactly what’s needed in a situation, even though they’re uncomfortable for others.  My wiring for unsettledness when I see an opportunity for change I might be able to impact is what drives me. I can’t NOT go there in my head, although I can quell it for short periods of time in my actions or speaking (usually by request of others).  That never lasts very long before I can’t take it anymore, so speak out or take action anyhow.  I also get that this pattern often has clear costs, usually to those around me.

What are your instincts which you can’t turn off, which kick into gear every time?  Have you identified them as strengths? While every trait has an up and downside, finding the way to leverage them as strengths is the key.  

So again, it comes down to balance, intention and acceptance.

I am forever tinkering with the balance of my own actions and patterns.  A self-awareness of my own presence and how it gets on people around me is critical. Some days I’m better at that awareness than others, which has everything to do with my own state management.  Putting the focus back on the others around me and really noticing their responses to my way- both verbal and not (tonality, eyes, facial muscles, blink patterns and movements) helps me to balance my responses.

Are you noticing the responses you’re eliciting all the time, both spoken and unspoken? Choosing next steps based on that response helps. 

Intention is what I always come back to, in order to make the Why of my course clear.  I often state my authentic intention in conversations explicitly (“…I’m telling you this because I’m committed to your success, and I think this will help…”) so that people can trust where I’m coming from.  While this doesn’t always work (if there’s no trust to begin with), it’s the most honest thing I can do, so I keep putting it out there.

People will always make up your intention in their head unless you state it clearly.  If there’s any tension or mistrust, they’ll assume your intention to be negative. Check yours, make sure it’s pure, and state it.

In the end, I accept that my wiring is what it is.  It brings incredible strength and also thorny challenges. While I have no plans to change who I am, I am learning how to also accept that I must flex more than I might want to when my strengths aren’t working for others, and cultivate more patience.  I trust my coaches, teams and trusted advisors to give me the feedback I need to pivot when necessary (though I need to ask for it more).  I also accept that my every action has ripple effect way beyond what I can see no matter what.

So do yours, by the way. As you trust your instincts and choose your actions, accept that you’re impacting more than you know all the time.  Have your fully accepted both the greatness and challenges of your wiring?  What are both sides, and their impact on your world?  

Intentionally or not, who we are, what we think and how we act in moments and patterns- have impact and influence all the time.  The more we put it out there in the world, the more impact it has, for better or for worse.  Who I am, and who you are is both awesome and troublesome- always.  A true double-edged sword with really sharp blades on both sides.

So really self-mastery means learning then mastering dexterity with both edges of one’s sword.  I’m on it. 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012

Feed Your OTHER Strengths

Today on my run, I had so many great ideas to write, teach and develop that I can’t get them out of my head and onto this screen fast enough. Ridiculous in a really exciting way.  Sort of like Popeye eating spinach, then being able to lift 500 pounds... except my version's cognitive. This happens frequently when I run, which is why I now know that I have to do it all the time- more for my head than anything else.

This morning I had a realization about why I need that running think time so much. It has to do with how I, like most people, get in my own way a lot of the time. You see, I have this combination of Activator/Command/Woo mixed with Ideation/Strategic. It’s actually a great combo for coaching, leading, presenting and consulting. I come up with great strategic ideas and can motivate people to act on them and make a difference in their lives, thinking and organizations right away- really cool. There’s an adrenaline rush for me that comes with action and shift- and it’s also how I define my own success- by what gets opened, or shifted. Yet a lot of the time, those action strengths will trump the thinking strengths if I let them.

Consider your strengths, and which ones dominate if you let them. 

For me, the compulsion to create shift, find the way to the other side of a challenge or answer the call to action is almost addictive. I can’t resist it. When given the choice to think on something for awhile or take action, I’ll take the action every time. Luckily my instincts are good (and even my on-my-feet reactions are strategic)- so that works out most of the time.  

Responding and building off the energy and call of others for solution or a better way is what I do well, quickly, visibly and professionally. It happens, gets reinforced by the world, and creates its own momentum. Oh- and it's super-fun (that adrenaline thing). There’s a cost, though; I can easily miss or neglect the deep-dive thinktime to feed my thinking strengths, because left to its own devices the activator in me does its dominant thing... steps up to do something asap. Over time, that drains energy and overall effectiveness- like working out really hard all the time yet not getting enough sleep to fuel it. For me, immersive thinking and ideation time fuels my activator-strategy mode. 

What’s your parallel here? What do you do well and reflexively, which gets reinforced and multiplied in your world?  What other strengths do you have, which need more space?

Often contrast shows us our patterns clearly... like which strengths we default to, and which might need more playtime. Lately I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time collaborating on a powerful, creative non-profit project- which has had much more thinking and thinking time in its process than the action-orientation of my other work. It’s not something I ever make this much thinking time for, and it’s yielding great ideas which will have big impact in the world. Because of that, my action craving is hooked, but the creative noodling process to get there is also feeding me in ways I truly underestimated. This recently hit me on a day when other work/life expectations and deadlines were pressing- but I was able to tune it all out, zoom into my project ideation session, be fully engaged and energized by it without feeling distracted by the rest. The energy from that deep ideation carried over into my other work, and turboboosted it, too, because more of my strengths were awakened, stimulated and present, showing up to the work!

What can you immerse yourself in, which both taps and feeds some different strengths?  

I will continue to run–  where I can just think, reflect and ideate without the drive of action. This kind of thinking, and creating the deliberate space for it (like my runs) yields ideas I just can’t get to by reacting to the world, no matter how strategically I do it. While it's not so instantly measurable in impact, it's critical for shift of a deeper sort which I can only get to when I'm feeding all of my strengths. I will deliberately keep creating forums for myself outside my normal pattern, which feeds those less-loud strengths, because today's run reminded me that creating this space isn't just personally satisfying, but actually necessary for me to get to the biggest breakthroughs I’ve got to bring the world.

So… What are the strengths you have which keep overshadowing the others, because they’re louder in your head or easier to access in your reactions to the world?  Which strengths do you need to manually make more space for, so you can be fed from their energy too, adding to what you bring the world everyday?  How can you create that space for yourself? 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012

Talent vs. Strength

Strengths and Talent are two different things.  Strengths are what you do easily and regularly, without thinking about it.  These usually come from talent.  Yet we all have talent that isn’t necessarily manifesting as strength.  It may come out in moments or episodes of brilliance, but isn’t reliably consistent yet. While a lot of my work is in the former, what I’m most interested in is the latter.

Strengths.

In some ways, strengths are the low-hanging fruit of my coaching work.  Most people don’t truly realize what their strengths are, or why they’re so amazing.  We’re all too close to have any perspective on it.  Someone with a strength like being able to establish instant rapport and agreement with others doesn’t really acknowledge it as a strength, because it’s as instinctive as breathing for him or her, yet enviable, difficult and a mystery to another person watching. The groundbreaking work of Clifton and Buckingham in this realm has been a gamechanger for millions- so much so that I require groups and teams to take StrengthFinder as a prerequisite for any work I do with them.  We have to at least surface, understand and leverage what we all do well without effort before we start working on how we can grow in new ways.  Simply getting people to be more conscious of what they already do well as their unique and important contribution, and to confidently leverage it as such is groundbreaking for most people.  That’s also telling about our society-  that this initial work (which seems like it would be quick and easy) is huge all by itself for people.  For adults, some of this is from becoming desensitized to our own strengths. Our instinct, common sense and lens through which we see the world becomes as invisible to us as the air we breathe, and we accept it as “normal” (and therefore not anything worthy of leveraging). Meanwhile, our personal set of strengths is unique from everyone around us (and could be genius to them).  It also has a lot to do with our pre-occupation with what we’re not, and what we should be (“Yeah, but if only I were more X…”), rather than an ownership and confidence in what we are, and how we’re uniquely brilliant- and the value of either. The a-ha that people and teams have when they suddenly see their own talent-strength that’s been there all along under those layers is awesome and empowering.

I do love coaching strengths, yet secretly love and crave more, as all coaches do.

Talent.

Great movies love to depict the classic inspirational story of the semi-retired coach or trainer who comes back into the game to develop a wild, raw undeveloped talent into something solid, something strong.  Million Dollar Baby, The Karate Kid, Rocky, Any Given Sunday, Tin Cup, A League of Their Own, The Replacements, even Star Wars…

There’s something different there- much more intriguing, exciting and possible.  This is why my favorite work is with youth vs. adults- it’s much more about working with the talent itself and honing while exploding it vs. working to clear away the layers of stuff on top of it.

Raw talent all by itself is a different thing- it’s trickier.  It’s less predictable and a little rougher around the edges than a bona-fide strength.  Talents can absolutely develop into strengths through deliberate or naturally occurring practice and investment- think Tiger Woods spending more practice time than those with half his talent, because he gets the deliberate path.  How that talent gets developed is one of my favorite topics to think about, coach and experiment with.  Different personalities need to approach it different ways. An awesome article today powerfully shows how even at the top- among the best of the best of the best in a particular field of talent, this happens differently.

But it starts with one thing, which is the most important part… realizing that you have the talent, then deciding that you want more and are ready to explode it into a strength. Maybe it’s just manifesting as an unsettledness now- pay attention to that feeling, and dig into it a little further. Then find the coach, the environment, the team, the training to shape it.  You can do this, and you should, only because you know deep-down that you can, and if you don’t you’ll be forever haunted by “what if I had…”

There’s one more piece in the getting-your-own-talent puzzle, even though it deserves its own day and post.  Personally, I always come back to the most basic piece in developing talent and reaching mastery in any arena- surround yourself with those who ask more of you than you do of yourself.  That means people who challenge you to not just be happy with what you’ve always done, but pushing you to get better, go farther, dig deeper- all from a true commitment to what’s possible in you because they get your talent.  Of course having a good coach or mentor is important, but it’s just as important to look at who else you’re surrounding yourself with.

Pay attention to your unsettledness, consider your own level of talent and mastery, check out who you’re surrounding yourself with, and start building your strength. It’s time.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012