BEing change vs. LEADing change

“Be the change you want to see in the world…”

While an inspiring (if misquoted) quote and the mantra of change agents universally, there are some serious challenges in the fine print of this theme for some of us leaders.

In BEing that change I want to see in the world, I’m responding, reacting and choosing from that place. I’m getting it done, making waves and causing change. There’s big impact  all the time- directly and in ripples, and nearly always in a good way. From it comes fulfillment for me (and some adrenaline, too) and growth for others.

This is great as a consultant, as I’m often brought in for this very purpose- to offer/uncover/strategize ways forward to shift it all. On it. Got it. Love it.

As a leader of or in an organization though… it’s definitely a bit different.

Modeling the mindset and behaviors you want others to follow is key. And yet, when they are coming from a place of non-change (don’t see the need, don’t want to, don’t have the impulse…) a funky dynamic starts to happen which we can miss altogether if we’re not paying attention.  In BEing the change as a leader, you’re stirring pots, setting the bold new direction, creating the game-changing strategy, challenging the box in every interaction and going out to get the new opportunities for the organization to rise to.

Except they might not.

Here’s the rub- the reason you’re so valued and appreciated (if not also regarded with a dose of discomfort) is because “you are making it happen”- that’s your role- which means that they don’t have to learn how to initiate change on their own.  They can just let you do that scary part, and then step into the opening you’ve created.  But what happens when you’re not there to initiate it?

See if you recognize this pattern… You come in to make change or get things going, you do so full-out, push the boundaries, set new standards and rock their world until “my work here is done” or “I’ve outgrown them” or you’re just plain crispy, and then you move on to another project, place, etc. where they need you more and you can make that big difference.

In your wake, the question remains in each of those places- did you CAUSE change or actually LEAD it?

In causing it, your change-agent way pushes people out of their comfort zone, which can result in a few different  scenarios…
A) It can stick- they love life outside the comfort zone, rise to it, and the whole organization’s pattern and standard for growth changes (our fantasy).

B) It can make them dependent on you manually pulling them out of that comfort zone over and over (tired, anyone?).

C) It can cause them to step out so uncomfortably that they retreat back in when you’re not there, ultimately impacting no lasting change at all (that head against the wall sensation).

To lead change means to influence people to step up and out of their comfort zones, but then to choose to do that repeatedly until they “get” the wonder and possibility of life/opportunity outside that box they were in before.  The test of your impact as a leader should be what they choose to do in the moments when you’re not there to initiate it.

Easier said than done, and MUCH easier to just be and make the change yourself, right?

So the question of the day is… How to LEAD change? Check out Tap Into Greatness and the immersive experiential version too, if you haven’t yet. Meanwhile, start with some awareness. Own the fact that you’re the change agent, and ask yourself what you can say/do/ask to make life outside the box more compelling than in for folks you’re leading. Pose the “why step out,” question in a compelling way, and start getting them to answer it. We all know you’ve already answered the question five different ways in your head 10 minutes ago, which is why they’ll be painfully slow in answering for awhile. Yet until they do, it’s still just your idea and you being the change for them.

So shhh, ask again- a few different ways and really give them some (maybe uncomfortable but necessary) pause to answer it, instead of answering every time for them. Have them imagine and inquire into the possibility on the other side change. They can do this, and want to deep down, or you wouldn’t still be there. Let’s just start with that, and then we’ll build…

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012

Prisoner To Another's Process

We’ve all been there in different moments, waiting for someone to finally make a choice one way or another, “get it” or “get over it” or “get on the bus,” right?  Torture.

Sometimes this is more drawn out than other times. In a coaching conversation yesterday, my client was struggling, having to wait for a partner’s (“you’ll just have to wait as I work this out and decide”) internal, painfully slow process of working out their own issues in order to ultimately choose whether or not to continue in their partnership together.

Actually- this happens all the time, every day- by us, around us and seemingly to us, and it can absolutely feel like being prisoner of another person's process, bound there by what they're doing and how they're doing it. Yet you don't have to be so controlled by it... and there might even be something important in there to call out or see, which you haven’t yet been able to see.. 

1) I’m not a morning person.  Normal mornings most of my life= alarm, snooze, alarm, finally up after threat of lateness or another person, first awake hour grouchy, often not speaking, sour disposition.  After the first 5 years of our marriage, my husband called me out on that; my grouchiness in the morning was getting all over him and the rest of our family, and starting their morning off negatively every day.  That impact never really occurred to me before he called it!  So, for the last many years since that day, I’ve woken up every day with the same grouchy impulses I had before, but making a choice to be pleasant.  It wasn’t really so hard to change that behavior, but the impact on everyone in my family was huge.

Who might you talk with about their process to request a change for the sake of others?

2) I like to take action on things and get them out there, often early in a process.  A new business partner of mine is much more inclined to think and noodle over ideas for a long time.  Usually these impulses balance one another out for great results, but sometimes it’s irritating and puts the brakes on our progress when I’m acting too fast or he’s thinking too long.

What about your process messes with the progress of others?

3) One of my kids is a brilliant and focused imaginer, yet slow and reluctant to transition.  When the whole family is getting into the car, she’s still nibbling breakfast or finishing one last pencilstroke of a drawing, still without shoes even on.  Our “let’s go” rhythm and her “just one or two more minutes” rhythm often clash with her feeling jarred out of her flow and us exasperated by having to ask her to take the next step for the 5th time.

How might you try a different take on someone else’s process to make it smoother?

4) A community member dealing with an upcoming big change in an organization I led, chose to air his concerns in public mass-email forums where he argued, rallied people in opposition and planned confrontations. His concerns were seen, but it also caused fear, division and more upset for many people. After I had an actual conversation with him about it, he calmed a bit, yet his justification for his rants was “this is just how I handle things -I know I may make enemies in the process or offend people, but so be it.”

What natural inclination might you have which negatively contaminates others in the process?

That said….

1) I get to brilliant insights and awesome work created when I stay up late at night. (focus there) AND I if the negative impact I was having hadn't been called out, I never would've realized, or  altered my default morning process (not that hard to do, now everyone's happier).

2) My business partner gets to inspiring layers of ideas during that long, deep reflection which will make real change in the world (focus there), AND I learned how to choosily call out the need to move on an idea faster than he might otherwise, in a way he could flex with. 

3) My daughter produces stunning artwork from her default state of creative muse and imagination (focus there), AND we've begun to give her time warnings earlier with multiple checks along the way for all the things she'd normally scramble to do at the last second. 

4) My fellow community-member surfaced important issues, details and questions which may have never been discussed, AND we needed to call out the ramifications of his tactics in how it impacted the whole community, which truly gave him pause about the effect he aimed to have. 

Our unconscious, natural processes are what make us genius and unique from everyone else.  These are the very things that make us stand out in the world.  The challenge may be in preserving the genius and talent of our process while also checking the unintended costs to others.   Possible?

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012

Shower Moments

I actually don’t have “shower moments” in the shower.  You know- the ones where great insights come to you, and everything becomes clear.  I have those moments running.  Being as kinesthetic-visual (with a preference for horizons and tree-gazing) as I am, running is my very best way to synthesize, get perspective, work through something, or get a much needed connection I’ve been noodling over.  Runs like this morning- a brief 25 minutes on a sunny Saturday- are ideal for making sense and learning out of the week or, in this case getting clarity on a single piece of the week I needed to resolve.  While running isn’t for everyone, it’s pretty critical to know your most reliable, effective way to get there, and make it part of your routine.

Take a look at your patterns and what things you do to find that clarity on your own.  While I’m a big fan of talking with others to work through things (hello- my career), I think it’s clutch to have your own reflective way to get there, too.  Great leaders, performers, athletes and practitioners of all kinds keep honing their talents and skills with self-awareness, self-insights and change- otherwise known as personal learning.  While I absolutely subscribe to the imperative for mastery of needing to surround ourselves with great coaches and those who ask more of us than we do of ourselves, I think that only works best if we can also get to the best insights on our own, regularly. That’s best done when you create a space/practice in which it can occur.

I know it’s been a good run when I actually forget that I’m running.  When I’ve been so deep in thought that I look around and seem to have skipped a few blocks of my route.  Today was one of those, and as a result I’m much clearer on a challenge I’ve been working on all week.

That said, I think I’ll go have my version of a shower moment- a time to let the brain turn off, let the water block out the world, rinse out residual thoughts for a few minutes, and reset. We all need practices in which both these things can occur.

What are yours?

©SarahSinger&Co. 2012

Ripples and Focus

Single sculling on a glassy lake- meditative, challenging, peaceful.

I got hooked into it with my dad when I was a teenager, as we spent hours on Atwood Lake learning it, alternating between 2-man sculling together and single sculling on our own.  As I went off to college, he continued to row, solo on the lake every morning the northern Ohio weather would allow.

There’s no better place to contemplate choice, impact and the ripple effect than in the middle of a glassy lake.  When single sculling, your orientation is to where you’ve been and how you got there, rather than where you’re going. You’re on a sliding seat with two long oars fit into outriggers, the bow of the boat pointing through the water while you power it with long, full-body, full-blade strokes of the oars feathered into and over the water in perfect synchronicity. At least that’s the goal.  Therein lies the challenge.  To get both oars perfectly balanced, dipped into and pulled through the water at exactly the same depth, force and speed takes focus and control with constant motion.  To get each stroke evenly powered first by legs, then torso, then arms, then feathering the oars perfectly out of the water and skimmed back over it without nicking the surface takes a different kind of focus and coordination.  Like sailing (my other favorite), you can both lose yourself in it and spend your life hooked by the challenge of the nuance in it.  A thinking person’s sport, to be sure.

One of the coolest parts of sculling is that you see feedback and progress with every stroke.  Because you’re facing to the aft of the boat, your focus is on where you’ve been, watching the wake your boat is leaving behind, the pools of ripple left by each oar.  If your timing was off by half a second between oars, you see it in the ripples.  If you had a perfect stroke, you see it in perfect round pools on either side of your straight wake.  As you gain distance, the trail of pools down the lake chart your progress and path- straight, zig-zagging or meandering.  Each circle of ripples expands instantly, first in distinct circles of light and shadow, multiplying instantly and quickly, ultimately overlapping into the very texture of the lake.

Most people have a default time orientation- past, present or future.  I’m definitely a future-oriented person, sometimes challenged to stay in the moment, as I’m always thinking 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 years ahead of where I am now.  This makes me a good coach and consultant, as I’m great at quickly surveying past patterns (but restless in dwelling there too long), zooming in on the impact they’re having now, and then strategizing both the right path forward and endless possible scenarios forward with insight.  I love to reflect, yet sometimes need to remind myself to do so, often feeling afterward like it was an indulgence. I am big on feedback and learning, so I’ve learned how to strategically and quickly reflect enough to gather feedback when necessary- but always to learn forward.  I am continually striving to (and coaching others to) be more fully present in each moment.  The more I can master this, the more impact and fulfillment I make/get out of every moment.  Meditation is the extreme version of this. I’m intrigued by it, have gotten tremendous value out of the dabbling I’ve done in it,  and have a perpetual goal of making it a habit.  Sculling forces me to keep my focus backward, forcing reflection and in the present, adjusting each stroke and coordinated movement based on what I just did.  Focusing forward or to the future isn’t even possible without physically turning around.  Opposite of life for me- always focused forward, having to consciously stop and intentionally turn around to reflect backward.

One of my favorite parts of sculling is just coasting… After a few long, powerful strokes the boat glides smoothly and silently through the water.  I hold my oars up to rest as I glide, and watch the water drip from them into the water moving past.  The drops make tiny circles, which grow instantly to ripples, which multiply faster than I can track smoothly, beautifully and overlapping into the ripples of the drop before it. Every move we make, every conversation we have, every decision in life we conquer- intentionally or not makes these ripples, which expand into the texture of our lives.  How much are we tracking them, studying them, choosing our next moves based on them?

©SarahSinger&Co. 2011

Building Ourselves Out

It's all relative, right?

I sit here on my deck typing, enjoying the view and the space, and can barely remember what it was like a few years ago before we built this deck out, almost doubling its size.  It seems to me now that it used to be soooo small- how did we even fit on it?  Yet at the time, we'd moved from a Chicago city apartment with no outside space- the little deck this once was seemed huge, relatively speaking.  How quickly we forget as we build out...

As a 6-year old, my son’s mad and crying about having to pick up his legos after he plays with them.  There are too many of them, how will I ever do it, it’s too hard…

Ridiculous to an 8-year old.

As an 8-year old girl, my daughter throws a fit over the idea of having to put all her things away when she’s done with them every time.  How can I do all of that all the time, it’s too much, it’s not fair…

Annoying to an 11-year old.

As an 11-year old, my other daughter gets overwhelmed by a book report she has to write.  Will it be good enough, can I do it, it’s so big, 2 pages is so long, it’s too hard…

Laughable to a teenager.

As a teenager, I was confronted by all of my homework, being prepared for testing and school, doing (or choosing not do do) all that my parents asked me to do, keeping track of my friends and relationships, meeting obligations to teams and extra-curricular organizations. How can I manage it all, be good at it all, be liked and hold it together, it’s too hard…

Piece of cake to a college student.

As a college student mostly supported by my parents, pulling all-nighters to get projects done, balancing my social life with studying, budgeting to make spending money last a little longer, completely stressed about a big test, paper or project due.  It’s hard, will I be able to pull it all off, this is so huge and all on me…

Enviable to a professional.

When I started out as a professional, it was a new list: hitting deadlines, managing someone else’s expectations, taking on my own growth path to advance, having to initiate, find a partner, have a life outside of work, pay my bills, create a voice in the world.  So big, so much to manage, how can I do it all well and maintain any balance…

Easy to a parent.

We can keep going with these ever-expanding layers.  We could just follow the professional layers. Or the personal layers.  Or the relationship layers.  Or the multiple-roles-in-multiple-circles-of-our-lives-layers that build as we progress in life (professional, personal, family, community, world).  The point is that we’re always building ourselves out further.  With each addition, it’s hard for us to remember how big that former version of our lives felt even though we see clearly with hindsight how much simpler it was!  As we break through to each level, we learn through the challenges of it, expand into it and ultimately end up able to handle more, gaining a wider perspective and ready to move on again.

Is this about Comfort Zone, and expanding it?  Yes.

Is it about Perturbation, and learning through it?  Yes.

Is it all about perspective?  Always.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2011

Airways

It’s all about getting perspective.

This is most obvious to me in looking at the world through airplane windows for many continuous minutes on end, like the one in this picture, somewhere above the clouds between Ohio and California.

Sometimes the rhythm of a day or week or couple of months feels labored, like a sprint within a marathon… and at the same time fleeting- like “where did that month go?”  It’s a strange sensation in time, and unsettling.

I’ve found myself more and more saying things like, “How did it get to be July- wasn’t it just fall?” or (to one of my three quickly growing kids) “How did you get to be so big all of the sudden?”  These are the kinds of statements I used to hear adults say when I was little, and thought to myself how old and out of touch with reality they were.

I don’t think I’m that old or out of touch with reality- even proud that I’m not, yet…

Yet, one of the challenges for me is the balance of being completely present in the moment- with my work, my family or in those rare moments by myself- and keeping perspective on where it all fits (strategically or organically) in time and space and reality, then negotiating those tensions.

The #1 reason I’ve had for a long time for not doing most of the things I know I should in my life (from sleeping as much as I should to putting laundry away to creating baby photo albums for my now-big kids) and in my business (from getting an assistant to handling expense reports to training someone to teach my programs) has been that “I don’t have time.”

From clients, friends and family, I hear this reason of not enough time for not doing things, taking action or just taking a breath from people all the time, and I get it.  I do. 

Yet…

I’m realizing that it’s less about making time for things, and more about creating AIRWAYS.

I was in a coaching conversation recently with someone who was going that direction… “I don’t have time to…”  The description was one I understood well- feeling like it’s getting harder and harder to breathe because there’s no space in this current self-created reality to even do that- and I found myself coaching, “…exactly why you need to do it anyway- youneed to create an airway!”  It was one of those coaching moments I was proud of, because it connected… it was true for this person, and is true for me a lot of the time, too.  It opened up some possibility all the way around. Maybe for you, too?

In that sprint-within-the-marathon cadence of my life sometimes, the only way to get more air into my lungs is to go find it. Like someone crashing on an ER cart who can’t ask for the air because they can’t get enough of it to speak the words, I too often go into autopilot of shallow breathing stress without reaching out for an airway, and these are the very days and weeks I find myself missing in my perspective of time- hence, “How did it get to be July?”

So I’ve been on a personal campaign of finding my airways and using them consciously.  It’s interesting to note, that the more I seek them out and choose them, the more I use them unconsciously, too.

Some of my current airways:

Jumping on the trampoline, listening to a great song, singing in the band I don’t have time to be in, calling and talking to a loved long-distance friend for even five minutes, working out to that point when my brain shifts from physical work to release, writing like this, looking up at the sky or trees for several minutes, holding hands with my son, reading books with my girls, saying the words, “energy, easy,” making my husband or one of my kids laugh really hard, looking out an airplane window down at the Earth, working with teenagers despite any other work I'm doing, sneaking downstairs in the middle of the night to play the piano while everyone's sleeping, getting regular coaching myself, going on real dates with my husband, photographing nature, watching a TED talk, doing or creating or learning anything new.

I now understand that these things are not just bonus “nice-to-have-if-I-have-time-after-what-I really-need-to-get-done”, which is how I’ve always looked at them.  They’re actually essential for me to be complete, vital and the person I want to be. If I don’t have a good dose of them mixed into my daily life, everything else I do gets compromised- including my work, my impact, my patience, my ability to be present, my relationships and absolutely my perspective on it all.

So... what are your airways?

Hint: they're those things that fill you up every time, change your State in a great way, and leave your overall capacity for everything else you do better and bigger, breathing more fully (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually).

Find those airways, note them, then wedge them in. Especially when you don't have time. That's when they bring the most oxygen.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2010

Weeding My Brain

I actually love to weed.  Right after a big rain.  Even for five minutes, like I just did outside my office door.

The satisfaction that comes with pulling a giant weed out and getting the whole taproot at once is amazing.  It’s right up there with cracking open a crab’s leg and pulling all of the meat out in one piece, or tossing a grape into the air and actually catching it square in your mouth.

While I’m a person committed to challenge, big hairy projects to solve and change, intense feedback and keeping myself on a continuous learning curve, I also get that it has to be balanced by things in my life that are simple, visceral, concrete straightforward wins.  I’ve been known to disappear from a big intense question or a house full of unfinished projects for an hour outside of pulling weeds.  In that one hour, I can get so much that would take many hours in my office to accomplish…

Every square foot of earth I cover looks different than when I started- immediate feedback of concrete impact.

I soak up the saturated colors, smells and sounds of nature vs. the comparatively pale world inside- altered perspective on things.

I get completely out of my head full of thoughts and into my senses- smelling the dirt, feeling the resistance of the roots against my pull, watching the micro-world of the scurrying bugs among the plants- truly quieting the chatter in my head.

Quick wins, concrete impact, altered perspective, clearing one’s head.  The ultimate in State Change.

Where are your opportunities like these- 5 minute windows to step outside our normal path which can alter our reality, change our state enough to send us back into the game different, able to see new hues, catch new insights, tap different energy to make the difference?  Find them, seize them, use them as your fuel.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2010

Big Deep Breaths

I actually closed my eyes for a few seconds during my run this morning.  Not to be a daredevil, but actually to become more present and really absorb the sounds and environment around me fully, with big deep breaths.

My family has a cottage on a lake near my hometown where we spent the summers sailing, waterskiing, hiking in the woods and creating lifetime memories with our siblings, cousins and extended family.  It’s a little cottage built for a family of 4 or 5, which we usually pack with way too many people and lots of activity.  Over the years I’ve grown, gone far, far away, had my own adventures, grown up, made my own family, and created a whole life of my own. As everything around me has changed over time and I’ve evolved,  the cottage and the lake remain the same.  It’s where I got my first poison ivy, had my first kiss, learned to master water skiing, sailing and rowing, got in my biggest family fights, had my first high school party, bonded with my dad over boat rigging, bonded with my mom over peach canning, once saw 18 shooting stars on my 18th birthday with my best friends, experimented with my first home improvements (the bathroom paint and wallpaper still crooked to show for it) introduced my own kids to nature and true imaginative play, and through it all, found my center.

The crunch of the gravel under my feet on the driveway never changes, nor does the quality of the air, the majesty of the trees, the buzz of the distant boats or the color of the leaves and flowers that seem to grow only here.  For more than all of my life, these things are constant, unlike most things.  When I’m far away, I imagine this place to find calm.  When I’m here, I soak it up and store it for later.

I think we all need a place like the lake and the cottage either in reality or in our imagination.  A place to get centered, find our peace, and count on to remain steadfast. There’s something about looking at the same tree I’ve looked at since I could open my eyes, and knowing that no matter where I am, or what I’m doing in the world it’s still here, growing, getting stronger, roots reaching deeper through it all.  As I ran the path just now on which my dad first coached me on how to run years ago, I closed my eyes to let myself go, record the sounds, capture the taste of the air, and fill up.

I’ll keep creating change and working to open possibility in the world every day.  Meanwhile, I’ll keep tapping back to my roots and this place for strength, inspiration and perspective.  The strength of the lake and awe of the trees make me stronger.

Big deep breaths- I’m off to make it a great day with my family, and create more memories to build on.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2009