The Single Question That Takes Your Impact Way Bigger Than Just Results

As a little sneak-preview for you, an excerpt from one of my favorite chapters of Tap Into Greatness… 

What rank did we end up with? What KPI are we pushing for? Where are our numbers? How far did we increase our reach? What was the final score?

Sound familiar? As most leaders, you spend a lot of time talking about and focusing on results. Your success is judged, competition monitored, and team’s success measured by them.

If your team doesn’t know the result they’re shooting for, they lose momentum, focus and direction. Without a clear finish line, no one will keep running faster. Got it. Really effective managers get concrete results clear first. But you’re more than a manager…

You need to play a bigger game than that as an Influencer. While you might do a great job at outlining the specific deliverables or framing out the metrics expected of you by your stakeholders, how often do you go bigger- beyond those measurables? What if you asked the question a bit differently… 

“WHAT DO I WANT TO HAVE?”

Importantly different than “What result are we going for?” this is more than semantics. Changing the question gets to something deeper, broader and more activating- where influencers make their distinctive mark. They don’t just get results, they have impact, they have reach, they have pull from the inside out. 

HAVE is the very first thing that every great influencer asks herself before she goes into any idea, plan, conversation, presentation, meeting, and especially the office for the day… 

"What do I/we want to have out of this?” 

Yes- they call out specific results, but also isolate all the other indicators which equal true impact. 

Result only: We’re going for 1 million units in sales for this new product. 

With the Have added in: We’re going for 1 million units sold… And want to have a fired up team, have buzz in the market, have people converting to our brand, have the street cred of solving what others couldn’t… 

That’s much more impact than just the finite result of units sold. As you broaden the horizon this way, it sets a bigger game and more meaningful orientation to it for everyone involved. Now they have something to rally to, not just finish. 

Don’t just hit results, have impact.

Real Influencer Moment: 

A coaching client from the restaurant industry took this on. A notoriously intense chef for the highest-grossing restaurant of a fun, successful brand, he leads teams under serious time and performance pressure. They do it, but it can be tense. With this HAVE question, he decided that he wanted to have a different environment- a fun environment with a kitchen staff of people who were having fun all of the time, cranking in their quality of results; productive, effective and happy despite the slams of pressure. This changed the game for his staff, his culture, and his bottom line.

Deep & Wide

Have gets at impact that goes wide…. answering the question of, “If we have that… then, what else will we cause?” This is the ripple effect of what you do, and getting strategically intentional about what else you're causing with your efforts.

As in: 

If we have a fired up team, then what else could we cause beyond that (ripple effect)? 

Ambassadors for the brand, talking it up in their circles outside of work. 

Which could then trigger having… 

The word of our brand getting out there to new prospective clients, who will check us out… 

Which could then trigger having… 

Expansion to a completely new demographic of clientele coming in the door… 

You can see where this is going, right? 

Keep asking the question, “Then what?” and you’ll map the ripples of impact you can strategically have. 

Have also gets at impact that goes deep… answering the question, “If we have that, what else would we of course have to make that happen?” This is drilling into the layers of impact deeper than the initial obvious answer. Go intentionally for depth of impact, which takes root to grow stronger. 

For example:

If we have a fired up team, what would that mean we also have? 

People who believe in what we’re doing. 

Which means we’d also have… 

People who are committed to the brand. 

Which means we’d also have… 

People who will have longevity. 

Which means we’d also have… 

People who will invest their talent and trust in us. 

Which means we’d also have… 

A solid core of all-in people who will truly help us build to a whole new level of impact….

You get it. 

Every time I take a client from a result they’ve identified into a Have-Deep and Have-Wide exercise like this, they come back to their targeted result with renewed energy, because the stakes of it get bigger- one little result turns into the platform for broad, deep, meaningful impact. Bam! 

Think about that project you’ve got happening right now, and the results you’re shooting for in it. Take a minute to brainstorm deeper into the impact you want to really have out of this project beyond just the articulated result? If you had that, then what? What else would you have? Then what? What else? (you get the idea of these layers deep and ripples out, yes?)

This expansion from result you're getting to ImpactYouHave applies to individual interactions all day long, too. What good is the big plan if your steps along the way aren’t focused for impact too? Make it intentionally count there, too. 

For example: 

Halfway through a regular weekly conference call, as people tune out and you’re wondering what the point is…STOP.

Sure, what you’re covering was emailed in the agenda, but to what end? Get the haves clear, articulated and understood, before you move on. Ask them:

What do we want to have by the end of this call?

What results? What plan? What deliverable completed? 

What level or energy and engagement from this team? What problem solved? What alignment? If we had those then what? 

…then notice how the whole call shifts with fuller engagement from everyone. 

Better yet—start the next call with the Haves as part of your WIIFM: 

“By the end of this call we will all have:

• Every question you’ve been confronted by with the client clear and answered
• Total alignment about next steps and who’s doing what
• Relief and fired-up-ness for what’s coming in this project

…Let’s dive in!”

For awesome influencers, this gets very personal. It’s why they inspire and affect you so much—because they ask the Have question of themselves right before diving into an exchange with you, every time. They clarify the impact they want this interaction to have on you and your process… then they make the time with you count purposefully. 

You can too: 

• Go bigger. In your next planning conversation, take the question broader and deeper. What do we want to really have out of this? Elicit as much as you can there, identify the strongest impact, and then clarify the concrete result you’re trying to hit. It may help to give prompts like “have on our team, in the industry, in the world, in our own process.”
• Pause first. Before picking up the phone or responding to your next email, pause and clarify: Out of this communication, what do I want to have? Agreement? Collaboration? The other person put in their place? Maybe.
• Focus in. Outside of work, think about what you want to Have before you automatically dive into experiences, and notice how it focuses it for you…I want to have true connection and focus on one another with my family tonight. 

With focus set on what impact you’ll Have, your next choices of what to Do and what facet of yourself you’ll step into to create it become clear and simple…

To see what happens with our Real Influencer the chef and how he set himself up to identify what he needed to Do and how to Be the version of himself to cause that major shift in his staff (and of course how you can too, every time), check out Chapter #5 of Tap Into Greatness… :)

 

©SarahSinger&Co. 2015

Your Role Might Be Getting In The Way Of Your Talent

Albert Einstein would've been a terrible event planner.

Claude Monet would've been a failure as an accountant.

Napoleon Bonaparte would've made people worse as a therapist. 

...Because our natural wiring doesn't unconditionally fit everywhere. Talent only shows up as strength in the right context.

Your talent is made up of that wiring- your instincts and personal “common sense” which is actually quite different than most everyone around you. It's what you do well without really trying, and the distinguishing impact you create. You just can’t see that, because it’s unconscious for you- truly instinctual. Yet- all of that natural uniqueness can go one way or another- can be seen as genius or problematic, which completely depends on the situation- the context you're in. The key to leveraging your wiring of talent into strength is finding the right setting where they can shine and make impact vs. languish or cause problems. That impact option is actually possible for everyone, and should be our standard as individuals and leaders for others- the ideal role matches for our natural talents, so that individual instinct shows up and shines as brilliance and strength.

I've had both- the problem side and the impact side. 

My talent themes are Activator, Individualization, Strategic, Ideation, Command, Woo and Relator according to StrengthsFinder descriptors, which are spot-on.  As strengths, these make me a great coach, advisor, trainer, consultant and teacher.  In doing that work which taps my core strengths continually, I hone them with use, and get more energized by them all the time. Sounds awesome, right?  

Our strengths actually get stronger and more effective the more we use them in a context that welcomes them. 

Except "strengths" don't always seem so awesome at all... 

They caused a lot of problems for me and many around me until I found the right fit. Infuriating  as a public school teacher where I couldn't change the whole system instantly the way I knew it had to be changed. Frustrating as a student in someone else’s class/program where I was distracted by all the ways I know it could be taught more effectively. Borderline insubordinate as an employee where I didn’t get to make calls about direction or policy. Frustrating as the youngest in my family, in every setting where I was too young or under someone else's wing to choose my own direction. In every one of those contexts my “strengths” actually caused as much friction, tension and stress for everyone involved as they did good. Yes- great questions, life learning and even some positive, forward change came out of those situations too, but painfully.

Admittedly, some of that was personality-based. Yet...I've seen this mis-fit of talent a lot as a coach who gets called in to help in these situations, and usually it goes one of three ways (you'll see I'm number #3): 

1. Person deals with it, compromised.  They can do the role but don't get to do what they do best everyday. So they find ways to exercise and leverage those talents outside of their work or role, and get fulfillment only there. This is the classic "work is just a job" situation, where they never really get fulfillment from it, but see it as a means to an end. And their career never becomes an expression of their talent.

2. Person gets defeated. They don't get to use their talent in their role, resign themselves to "that's just life- gotta do what you gotta do," don't find a place to exercise those talents anywhere else either and feel generally unfulfilled and wondering where/what their talent is. (this is sadly very common)

3. Person forces it. Their talents don't really fit the role, but they push them anyhow, which causes friction in the way they get things done or fit into the culture. Maybe the friction produces some results, but in a grain-of-sand-in-the-oyster-turns-into-a-pearl way which we know gets created out of irritation. 

None of those are good options. YOU need the right fit for your talent, so it can strengthen you, the results and everyone around you.  

So, let me save you some steps and some of that pain...

1. Find out what your Strengths are. 

If you haven’t taken the Clifton StrengthsFinder, please do so. It'll give you an accurate reading and great articulation of how your natural talents bundle together into strengths. It's become the new standard by giving pinpoint specific language to talents and strengths we've bumbled through explaining vaguely and inconsistently before. For your teams, look at each person's strengths individually and how they complement/challenge one another (both good). 

2. Check your strengths against your current situation/role with this quick question… Do I get to do what I do best every day? 

Really think about it, and your answer should be YES.  This was the original question which led to Gallup’s wide and deep research on talent and strength, and one that I use early in mapping areas to coach with clients. Ask the individuals you lead the same. We all have some things we have to get functional competence in, even though they’re not our core strengths- that's life. Yet the bulk of what we do has to leverage our strengths in order for us to ever be truly great or fulfilled. This is actually NOT about balance- you should have far more you're doing from your strengths than not. It's possible that you just haven't found a way to apply your strengths to what you are responsible for every day, so try that first. Then...

3. If you find yourself having to force what you naturally do well into the role, or worse- never able to do it at all, then change roles. 

Otherwise, you'll be forever frustrated, become exhausted trying to be great at what's unnatural for you (challenges are great, but should be add-ons to your core strength) and miss the fulfillment of doing what you are pulled to do easily and better than most people every day. Some of the most heartbreak-turned-inspiration situations I've coached are with people in the wrong position, yet nobody had recognized it or knew what to do about it. We get someone who's "a problem," "struggling" in their motivation, or "underperforming," I do some strength-sleuthing, and we figure out what they could be doing to leverage their talents and benefit the bigger results of the team... as their new job. Sometimes we can find it in how they do their work, sometimes we do switch them/create a different role altogether. Every time there's a transformation in impact, performance, and outlook for everyone involved. Every time I hear about how "results turned around, life got so much easier, yet I feel so much more challenged and engaged in a great way," because their energy is being spent leveraging and building their strengths naturally and effectively rather than trying to force a square peg into a round hole. As a leader, think about where this could be happening for individuals on your team right now.

The ultimate...

You know you're in the right place and tapping your strengths when you do what's instinctual without even thinking about it, and people around you marvel at it as "brilliant." That means you're in the right context, coming from your hard-wired strengths, where it makes impact.

Finally I got the hints in those settings that pushed my strengths to trouble, I got out, got much happier and solved for most of those "problems"…contextually.   I've created a career role which leverages my natural strengths, and I’m able to easily contribute significantly and make impact every day by just doing what I do, thinking the way I think and pushing the way I push instinctually.  You can do this too, by continually checking yourself in roles and situations with that key question applied to your core work: "Do I get to do what I do best?" 

Then you create the holy grail of ultimate fit, where you can work in situations that expand you, and you realize your own genius of talent in action (maybe your new definition of strength)... because it makes all the difference.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2014

The Tricky Thing About Your Type

“You’re such a classic extrovert…”

“It’s just that he’s a misunderstood introvert..” 

“Here’s the thing about leading creatives…”

“I can’t help it- I’m an ENFP…”

…Maybe. 

In our quest to make the world more concrete through the increasing swirl of input… we sort. In trying to get to our own best versions and figure one another out, we love finding new classifications, diagnostics and ways to look at self from different angles- like holding a prism up to the light in different ways to illuminate all its facets. From the brilliant synthesis of brain research and human pattern-spotting, we’ve now got some great frameworks to simplify our layers and classify ourselves beyond just what we do (like CEO, designer, trainer). We can now describe our talents with more accuracy and depth than ever before, get the ramifications of our thinking styles, and adjust our words to best reach someone’s primary learning modality. This accelerates understanding and progress in teams, relationships and leadership, plus unlocks the door of self-awareness. I use them all the time as a coach. We all should. If we’re careful.

There’s a danger I watch closely every day- in crossing a fine line from understanding to pigeonholing. Case in point is the currently popular label-du-jour of Introvert/Extrovert. Sparked by Susan Caine’s illuminating book Quiet to help us understand the introverted brain came a wave of articles, animations and comparison guides to introverts vs. extroverts all over our media feeds. These are informative, yet also pretty skewed and polarizing in their attempts to show distinctions of type through contrast. This happens easily, even when it originates from the decent intention of increasing understanding. Why?

It’s all in the nouns.

Introvert and extrovert started as verbs- to turn inward or outward.

Creative is still mostly an adjective (as it should be). 

Yet like so many other type-labels, they are now used quite often as definitive tags for people, becoming a whole new class of descriptive nouns… which messes with our thinking. Making something temporary like a behavior (introvert: to turn inward) or fluid like a description (creative: relating to or involving the imagination), into a thing that now is (or has to be) that thing all the time is serious. 

Once we slap a label on ourselves or another it gets dicey. A few things happen…

• The good part- Relief. There’s definitely a validating, reassuring little rush we get when a type fits us so well we want to wear it as a badge. Finally, we’re understood. Somebody gets us. There’s a tribe out there for us. We understand ourselves better. We can set ourselves up with the right fit in situations, endeavors and relationships which complement. We have freedom to be how we are, and clear reasoning for how we aren’t. We don’t have to struggle through explanation of what is just our common sense and the way we experience and see things… we can just point to the profile. Ahhhh. 

• The bad part- Typecasting. Once we’ve got a label, the expectations everyone has of us are hard-set. We’re now defined- period, the end. We get to BE that way, but now we’re required to be that way… which can be pretty demanding in some cases, or stifling in others where we stop pushing ourselves to challenge our own perceived limits. Either situation can narrow our own identity too much to be either accurate or healthy. In coaching countless personality types and learners, I’ve met very few people who are 100% anything, since most of us are much more multifaceted and complex than that. For the few who are that limited, they often have a hard time adjusting to the diversity of thinkers out there (a topic for another day). While we of course have patterns, we also have more facets than we might ever understand through which that light is constantly adjusting. The most extroverted people I know have patterns that look really introverted. The most creative geniuses I know have some very unimaginative output sometimes, yet don’t have the freedom to go there because it disappoints a world expecting their “type.” Leonard Nimoy played Mr. Spock for generations of Star Trek… so much so that it inhibited directors and producers’ ability to envision or cast him as any other character, as he wrote in the aptly-titled autobiography I Am Not Spock. Definitely not what we want to do to one another, right? 

• The troubling part… I barely want to type it, but we also know that labels gone amuck can lead to judgment or exclusion, and then prejudice and intolerance. As soon as we start narrowing our definition of ourselves or one another down to single types or positioning some as better than others (we see some of those outlines in the introvert-extrovert stuff), we’re setting up all the ingredients for “Sorry- we gave the position to an Introvert” or “Oh- you’re a creative? We don’t serve your kind here.” 

So Now what? 

This is tricky business, human understanding of self and navigation of personalities. In all my coaching, facilitation and connecting I’ve found that what we all really want is to understand ourselves and be fully understood and accepted by others. So what starts as a way to get quick ahas about personality can turn into characterization, and then we’re defeating our own intentions. 

Try these to keep from collapsing how we are into who we are:

1. Embrace the adjective. 

We are way more expansive than type-labels as people, so watch how you use the nouns. Describe behaviors as behaviors, patterns as patterns, traits as traits… not as people.  

• “he is very creative…” vs. “he is a creative.”

• “she has some strong introverted patterns…” vs. “she is an introvert.”

2. Get a bigger sampling.

Few people are 100% anything. We are a mashup of a lot of traits, talents, themes and tendencies. I love and recommend the Clifton StrengthFinder, because it gives you a spot-on accurate portrait of your top five talent themes rather than just labeling you as one type… so you can accurately see and understand yourselves and others as the nuanced compilation of elements that you really are. Use this with your teams (friends and family, too), and notice how much richer the conversation and understanding of one another becomes.

3. Think of it all in a spectrum. 

If you’re going to also use “type” tools, realize that all traits are in a spectrum. Introvert and Extrovert are two ends of a particular scale, and most people are ambiverts who have characteristics of both yet slide a little more to one side than the other. So keep that spectrum in mind as you use those adjectives, imagining someone more to one side or another, yet possibly moving around on it a little all the time. 

4. Go for portrait vs. caricature.

We love caricature artists at theme parks because it’s fascinating to see what pieces and parts get exaggerated in how others see us. But it’s a pretty bad way to get an accurate picture of one another as humans, even though we try it when we slap the labels on. To get the real picture, we need all the subtleties, range and cool complexity which create distinction. To get that, keep delving, listening and looking into- then adding layers of unique detail to the portraits we have of ourselves and one another. 

…That’s where illumination and connection happens, and we unlock the facets of our brilliance we didn’t even know were there.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2014

BE it.

Get clear about your intention and goal in any conversation, beforehand. (definitely)

Bring more rigor to the words you choose. (absolutely)

Clarify your message. (important)

Know that every conversation you have is causing something, so be intentional. (more than you realize)

Watch and manage your tone, body language and facial expression, as they can speak louder than your words. (truth)

...Those tenets are a big, and  bring big impact. I coach to them all the time, as they start to get at the power of our communication. Because communication is so much more than the content of our words. 

There’s the intent or goal of the communication…. what we want to HAVE out of it.  So many skip this step, yet it can make all the difference, when inserted right before diving in to an exchange... Out of this communication, I want to have… agreement? collaboration? the other person put in their place? Hm. 

Then there’s the delivery. Those nonverbal messages we’re sending (tonality, facial expression, body language) as we communicate… what we DO in the conversation. 

Of those parts… people get and trust what we’re DOing in the conversation more than the content.  If I'm saying one thing, but messaging another in my tone, body language and facial expression, you'll go with the nonverbals.  There’s often a huge disconnect between the messages coming from our words and from our delivery (picture a teacher/coach/boss talking to their brood about getting fired up in an expressionless way).

And yet there’s another lesser-known key to it all.  Even more powerful than what you’re DOing in in that standard formula of words + tonality + facial expression/body language… is what comes before any of that, and could be sabotaging the whole thing for you. You’ve had interactions where you said the right things, did the right things, but actually didn’t get the impact you wanted, right? I certainly have.

In those moments of frustrated communication, we get in our own way because it’s more than what we say or how we say it.  Despite message, word rigor, causality and nonverbal awareness…

It’s about who we’re BEing. 

That is... who are you mentally, emotionally and physically being at the time?  What State are you in?  What’s your mindset? Here’s the challenge… We all have countless versions of ourselves which we end up BE-ing at any moment, without ever thinking about it. Yet rarely do we create a moment to check it, and make sure it’s the version we need to BE in the moment for what we’re trying to accomplish.

I can BE: calm, nurturing, positive, connected, excited, all-in committed, inspiring, partnering, empathetic, flexible, curious, interested, loving, patient, listening, disarming, lighthearted, open, laser-focused, empassioned, relentlessly optimistic, intense in a motivating way…

I can also BE: distracted, pushy, steamroller-y, defensive, submissive, impatient, cynical, rigid, negative, resentful, judgmental, task-y, inaccessible, fake, passive-aggressive, aloof, insensitive, closed off, already decided, intense in an intimidating way…

We could pick any one of those (BEs), and quickly predict how it would impact what I might DO differently in each one, and then what I might Have as a result. Pretty simply: 

Be: Open

Do: Really listen with full attention, truly imagine and try on every idea another person is saying, allow uninhibited connections to occur, build on them. Communicate ideas about how we can work together. Keep body language open, relaxed, possibly leaning in. Eye contact is direct, connecting. 

Have: Collaboration with my partner

Now go back through that Be-Do-Have plan changing to BE-ing Defensive instead of Open.

The whole thing changes and now doesn’t work, right? If I really tried to force those same behaviors (the DO) from a place of really BEing defensive- I’d come across as inauthentic, and in no way get true collaboration with my partner out of that conversation. This type of communication fail happens all the time. The challenge is that we focus too much on what to DO, when who we’re BE-ing may be all wrong. This is usually because we just don’t think about it, or because we think it’s not visible to anyone else. We, as the wired-for-action creatures that we are, focus on what we should DO, best practice, and steps to the goal. Yet those only succeed if we’re executing them from the right place, which we may or may not have set consciously.  I can use all the right words with the right message, even taking the right steps, but get no buy-in if I’m coming from a place that doesn’t match my outcome. That BE has everything to do with powering my impact, message, tonality, nonverbals and emotional energy… beyond the words I’m speaking.

Lately I’ve been bringing more attention and intentionality to this awareness before interactions. The results are powerful. With a client recently, I focused on BE-ing light, flexible and effortlessly positive- even while presenting a paradigm-altering idea. They were surprisingly agreeable and open to it.  This was significant since I had presented the exact same idea to the same client a few weeks before, and they not only hated it, but were resistant, upset and unhappy with me about it. After that didn’t go well, I had to admit to myself that I was irritated with them, BEing insensitive, pushy and a know-it-all (all unconscious). It didn’t matter how right for them my good my ideas were- all they got was the pushy know-it-all I was BEing, so of course they weren’t engaged by my idea! Owning that, doing what I needed to do to come back BEing authentically positive, flexible and lighter... I had a completely different result. 

The lesson for me?  

Who I’m BEing will always speak louder than anything coming out of my mouth (and can’t be hidden in my nonverbals to those who know how to read them).  Before I respond or communicate I must first get clear on what Intention I want someone to feel in my communication, and focus on it.  Get myself present- IN it.  Then go!

So…

Try this out: 

Develop an awareness in the moment of who you’re BE-ing and what it’s causing. 

After interactions with people, ask yourself: 

• What did we both Have at the end of that interaction? This is the result, the takeaway- both concrete and invisible? 

Examples: we both had frustration; or connection; or a great solution we couldn’t have gotten to alone

• What did I Do in that interaction to cause what we both ended up with? 

Examples: I didn’t really listen; I really listened and empathized; I acknowledged and built on his ideas

• Who was I BE-ing in that interaction? 

Examples: I was being impatient; present in their world; open and partnering

The more you do this, them more you’ll be able to catch yourself in the moment and make adjustments. 

Before you respond or communicate in a moment, pause to get clear on what you want someone to feel in your communication, or what you want to come out of it. Then find the corresponding way of BEing that could cause that, see if it’s different than where you are, and shift it.

Notice your patterns. Do conversations seem to end in frustration when you’re coming into them BEing defensive? Are you able to have your best moments of connection with people when you allow everything else to go out of your head and are just BEing present in and focused on their world? When you’re rushed, do your interactions become tense (perhaps you’re BEing tense when you’re slammed with other stuff)? Do you tend to have better or worse interactions/influence with certain people, or with particular settings, which may be triggers for who you’re BEing?  

Experiment with different ways to BE in your interactions. In low stakes situations (where you have a lot more control over your emotions), try isolating different versions of who you’re going to BE in a conversation beforehand, get yourself there, and notice what happens. As you continue to do this, you’ll get more precise and faster at it. Eventually, you’ll be able to do a quick reset with yourself going from interaction to interaction.

The true power of connecting with others in communication of any kind (leading, teaching, influencing…) comes down to this essence of who you are BEing in the moment. It powers your impact, message, tonality, nonverbals and emotional energy… before and beyond the words you’re speaking.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2014

Power & Off-Ramps

The simple on/off ramps connecting the highway to the rest of the world are things we take for granted, yet clutch.

My office is attached to my home, which is good and bad.  The very thing that makes it  really great and really hard is the distance between work and the rest of my life (family, home, etc). It's about 3 inches- the thickness of the door to my office.

Within the worlds we work and lead every day, we have a certain amount of momentum, speed and influence.

Relatively speaking, people listen to us, respond to us quickly (again- all relative), and look to us for direction and leadership when we enter a room or conversation.  All of that gives us a sense of, well... POWER.  The more effective we are in our work, the more we get it.  The more we get it, the more it gives us energy and motivation. Which conditions and fuels us to keep that momentum, even accelerating.

This is an important thing to acknowledge, because it feeds us more than we know all day, every day in that world.  While we have pressure and responsibility with leadership, it’s tempered by that rush we get from the impact, intensity, pace and immediate feedback of influence from our decisions and actions.

In many ways, as we go along in this work-world, it’s as if we’re going 70 mph on a highway, with momentum.  Our peers are going at that same pace with similar direction, acceleration and power, and it’s all flowing consistently. Like that highway, sometimes we don't even realize how fast we're moving, until...

At the end of the day or the week, we enter a different world- NOT work.

Relative to that world of work, this is like driving on sidestreets, where it's a completely different way to navigate with many others who are on very different paths, going different ways, at different speeds. Pedestrians, cyclists, cars turning right in front of us. Definitely not the place to go 70 mph, focusing full steam ahead.

There’s a REASON for offramps.  

What would happen if the offramp from the highway to the side street you just traveled was only 3 inches long?  Ridiculous, right? We'd wrecklessly careen into that other world, and potentially cause all sorts of damage coming into it at highway speed, yes?  Well, perhaps that's exactly what's happening.

In my case, when I'm not traveling or at a team's site for work, my transition from one world to another is only 3 inches long, from one side of the door to the other. While I have another door which goes to the outside, I instead use the one which exits straight back into the busiest part of my family's world. Bam- right from the highway, going 70 mph into the 4-way intersection of cars- some stopped, others going different directions at different times and speeds, with pedestrians mixed in. No offramp. Unsurprisingly, that transition is often jarring for at least someone in the mix (sometimes me, sometimes others, innocently doing their pedestrian thing as they should).

My office setup makes the challenge very visible. Yours may be less obvious, but it's there. Have you used your entire commute home on business calls, then walked into your house (even past a family member) still on a call?  Have you brought your laptop and work right into the the middle of everything non-work? Do you tell your friends and family, "just give me one more minute" while you disappear into email or texting to get one more thing handled, missing what's happening right in front of you?

Many of us come off of our workday or flow into the world of our families and personal relationships without creating, using or acknowledging an offramp.  It’s as if we speed off the highway without that important strip to slow us down, still going 70 mph, then get irritated with everyone else going half that pace because they’re not moving with the flow we're used to and still expecting.

That power, pace and flow of decision that exists for us in the world of work and leadership doesn’t exist in the same way in the rest of our lives. In fact, many of us have experienced people in our personal lives reacting much the same way any innocent drivers on a side street, going along at 25mph would react to someone plowing through at 70mph- “knock it off!”

We’ve all had someone in our personal lives remind us that we’re not their coach or leader or boss, yes?

We've gotten more impatient with our loved ones or kids when they don't listen and respond to us with the way we think they should, yes?

We’ve all gotten irritated and impatient with someone’s (slow) response time outside of work, yes?

Many people I coach tell of their personal relationships suffering at the cost of this.  They were still going at 70mph and missed the things happening at 25mph (like people in their lives finding their own paths, disconnecting, etc.).  Spouses, family, friends. . .

I'm finding that the more I pay attention to my transitions on and off that freeway of my workworld, the more present I'm able to be in ALL the moments-  with my family, with my clients and work, with my projects and in the precious moments of just being by myself.

At the end of the day, sometimes this means creating my own off ramp, since there isn't one built in for me. This might mean driving the long way home to finish the call and give myself a few minutes with the windows down and music up to clear my head before I pull into the driveway. Taking the back door out of my office to take a transition walk all the way around the house to come in the way everyone else does. Turning the computer off and leaving it off.  Leaving my phone on my desk instead of having it attached to me all the time. Getting outside with my kids to play what they're playing.  Turning off all the devices and just talking and connecting with my husband without distraction at the end of the day.

So, where’s your offramp?  

Do you have one?  Do you use it?  Does it cause you to slow down, enter into a different speed and traffic pattern as those around you and pay attention? What happens when you don't?

Create new and deliberate ones. Here's a start:

• Consciously think about the role you just came out of (like "boss") and choose which you're transitioning into (like "partner"). Get yourself in that mindset...how does a partner show up differently than a boss?
• Finish the call, the email, the other-focus, and give yourself a distinct buffer of time and state change before you walk into that other world.
• Give yourself a ritual to mentally, emotionally and physically clear your head of one world and transition into the other (like taking the last 5 minutes of your drive home to be off the phone, listening to your favorite song, loud).
• Create clean lines. Declare "done for the day" to yourself and everyone else who's impacted by it, and do what's necessary to stick to that (computer off, phone in bag, etc.).

As lines blur between the speedzones in our lives, check yourself and your ramps. Then notice your navigation improve.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

Impact Everywhere

Scenario #1:                                     

I got 20 minutes with a group of bright, talented new hires last week in a new company I’m working with. It was a spontaneous decision to have them spend a few minutes with me as the expert coach since I happened to be in the building during their onboarding. I knew that this might be my only window to make impact with them (never met them before, might never see them again), so I went for it. I dove in, assessed where I could focus for the most impact, coached them individually and as a group pretty intensely, watched their thinking shift, then I was out. I intentionally made positive impact that would change some things about how they see themselves going forward.

That’s a really good twenty minutes to me. I measure my work’s accomplishment in level of  impact I have on people. In this case, I actually heard feedback today from that group last week who reported my twenty minutes with them as the most powerful in their ten day onboarding process. “She pushed hard, but not in a confrontational way, and pulled stuff out of me I didn’t know I had.” Awesome.

Overt acknowledgments are pretty nice. Yet most of the time I have to go on the cues I get in the moment (you, too, can develop the sensitivity to see the moment of shift for another person if you’re looking for it).  I maximize the moment to create a shift and then trust that it’s going to have marinating, multiplying impact as that shift takes root in their thinking after I’ve gone.

 Scenario #2:                                                                                      

A crew of city engineers were doing the final reseeding and strawing next to the street they’d been working on yesterday, as I jogged through them on my regular path .

“Thanks for doing this- it makes a big difference, and it’s going to look really good when you’re done!” 

That shoutout takes 5 seconds to say, doesn’t slow down my run at all, and can actually be the one nice acknowledgment those guys get that day for their work making a positive difference in other people’s lives.

...Which brings more meaning and satisfaction to what they do. And maybe causes them to feel more pride in their work and the positive effect it has in the world. Which makes them happy. And maybe sparks them to think about and acknowledge other people in the same way. Which carries it on…

Except I didn’t say it. 

Instead I just smiled and said “Hi,” as I continued to run past. I thought it, but it didn’t fully occur to me to verbally acknowledge them and my appreciation of their work until I was already too far down the road, out of earshot.

Missed moment. 

As soon as I ran past, I knew I’d missed it. I could’ve said something right there and made positive impact for that whole crew. I actually spent several of the next minutes of my run regretting that moment and thinking about this very idea of how easy it actually is to make more positive impact by just becoming more aware in those moments of opportunity.

So, I ran a little harder and faster, hoping I’d get back to those guys while they were still there, and make it right. When I did, many of them had gone, but a few remained. I ran up to them and delivered that simple little acknowledgment. A ten second exchange, I watched their thinking shift, then I was out. In that quick ten seconds, a little caught off guard, they went from surprise, to really getting what I said, to big-grin, standing up-a-little-straighter satisfaction of being newly proud of their work and acknowledged for it by someone in the world. They played it off casually, but I knew I’d struck a chord. I intentionally made a positive impact that would change some things a little about how they see themselves going forward that day. And I didn’t even lose time off my run.

That’s a really good ten seconds to me. Not as good as if the whole crew had been there to feel it, but a difference made for those few guys. Think starfish story,“I made a difference for that one.” Not as big and dramatic as Scenario #1, but who’s to say?

It’s right there.... 

Okay… so maybe this idea of making impact is one that I think about more than other people, yet I’m clear that this is way bigger than what I do for a living. We could consciously be making positive impact 100 times a day if we actually paid attention to the moments of opportunity we’re passing by all the time.

I can drop a pebble in a pond, and watch it as it disappears to the bottom of the pond. I may notice the ripples my pebble causes, but how often do I follow them, making impact somewhere else, 90 degrees and a good distance away from where I focused my pebble in the water?  Bucky Fuller coined the term Precession, the idea that there’s impact happening at 90 degree angles from our focus all the time, like those ripples reaching out to the edges you can’t even see in a pond. I choose to turn an otherwise disconnected moment near someone else (think standing in line at the grocery store) into one of connection and positive impact, and who knows what that might ripple into for that person?

I’m convinced of the truth that every single interaction we have in the civilized world has an impact on someone else. 

If you can think of an exception, please let me know, as I haven’t found one yet.

Sometimes it’s direct, sometimes it’s delayed, and sometimes it’s in that ripple effect that happens in the pebble-tossing of our actions/words into the shared pond of our collective awareness. Just in the range of what we intentionally do and say to make impact and the ripples that causes without our even noticing... it’s staggering, and everywhere.

Kaizen is a Japanese concept referring to small, seemingly imperceptible changes over time which yield a big difference in the end. The impact we have in the course of an hour, day and so on can be much like this. Lots of little choices and interactions, over time...

Let’s first establish that a moment of interaction can fall within a huge range from me jogging past you and just making eye contact briefly, to stopping to say something that really touches you, makes a positive difference and sticks with you. There’s a pretty big range in-between. And- there’s the negative version of this range… I could jog right by, not noticing you, or stop to say something that really offends or hurts you, which then makes a negative impact, and sticks with you.

We have so many kinds of interactions in just the course of one day. See if you can count the number of possible moments of interaction you’ve had in the last few hours. Not just the moments you interacted with someone, but all the openings when you could’ve. Just this morning in the hour before my three kids left for school, I lost count of the moments with them where I actually was or could be making impact on their state, thinking, beliefs or course of their day. Every look exchanged (smile or scowl?), every word choice, every topic chosen influences. Just in the course of writing these few paragraphs, I’ve had eight emails, two calls and one live conversation come in (I let them all go until later), all representing potential moments of impact (on me as I read them, on another, as I reply). I also posted a few times on Facebook and Twitter today, each post an opportunity to impact lots of people with a few simple keystrokes.

This is one of those concepts that worms its way into your thinking, and then you start noticing it everywhere. So- we’ve got an opening here to gain new awareness going forward. What if we started considering our impact everywhere in all of those moments, and consciously chose to make them count meaningfully with positive impact?

Here’s a start:

•  Reflect on the last few interactions or opportunities for interaction you’ve had (even with strangers). What impact did you have? Even if you ignored them, you had impact of some kind, so own it.
• Think about how you could’ve used those moments to make positive impact somehow.
• Going into your next interactions, consciously choose to connect with or contribute to someone. Notice something positive (even the most cynical can see it), then actually acknowledge it out loud to that person.
• Notice the moments you encounter everywhere, where you actually have a choice, but never even considered.
• Notice the moments you make negative impact. Maybe intentionally, maybe not, pay attention to how your inattention or sour state get on other people. (We’ve all been there)
• Be willing to give with impact in the 5-minute Favor, as Adam Grant shows us. You can create big movement for someone in very little effort.

It all counts. I assess the maximum impact for the moment, and dive in as the work I do every day. You could too. Yet the small, little moments not only make impact, but ripple and multiply into impact we can’t even measure.

Go.

Closer Than They Appear

My mom’s rear-view mirror always had etched onto it:

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

So it turns out that this standard-issue reminder about perception applies to our own psyche, as well.

When we get to the part of my training where I ask people to identify a spot in their lives where they need to step up or out or through something, many people find something BIG.  It’s often having to do with a person they need to confront or a thing they’ve needed to do for a long time, which they’ve been allowing to suck their energy and hold them back in their productivity or happiness for weeks, months or years.  Most people have a few of these things rattling around, sort of like extra weights they’ve been carrying around with them.

So, I help them to stand up to the BIG thing, and commit to busting through it to the elusive “other side” which is alot like those things in the rear-view mirror… much closer than it seems.

It often comes down to a conversation they need to have with someONE or a new behavior that they need to just DO or try.  I coach around it, sometimes even set up full plans of attack for getting their State just right, and all the support they need to hold that State, follow through and not bail at the last second.

In my work with thousands of people who have gone through this very process, I’ve found something in common which takes me back to the rear-view mirror…

Leading up to the actual breakthrough (which is often just a moment), people will actually spend hours of time thinking about it, obsessing about it, rehearsing it or just worrying about it before they actually do it.  The good news is that this is replacing the countless hours of stress, upset, distraction and worry that they had been spending regularly on it before they chose to break through it.

So finally, they get to the moment of truth.

They get into State (or not, which makes it more painful), they DO the big thing, and they’re through to the other side.  The act or conversation took minutes.  It’s over.  The energy suck that had been draining their will and focus is cut off, and there’s a proud mix of adrenaline, relief and newfound energy afterward.  Then the realization…

Obstacles are smaller than they appear.

It wasn’t that big of a deal in hindsight.  All of that worrying and prep, and they broke through it in moments.  To me as a coach, the most important thing is the equation of time spent that comes in the debrief:

Number of sucked hours of worry/upset/stress/energy you are losing in thinking, worrying, avoiding by not doing it

VS.

Moments it takes to just do it and be through to the other side

Simple equation of time investment.

Easy?  Not really, which is where Comfort Zone and coaching like mine come in.

But simple? ABSOLUTELY. For me, this math is what gets me to finally get out of my head and do the uncomfortable but liberating thing.

Maybe we should change what’s etched in our rear-view mirrors as a constant reminder, so we can save all that time and energy, and just step up and out in the first place?

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

The Pyramid of Perspective

How many times have you gotten sucked into the stress of someone else’s timeline or pushed out a time-sensitive directive to your team focusing all on the WHENs and details of HOW you wanted/needed it done. This occurs on teams and in leadership daily, and our perspective gets lost. One of the most effective ways to channel the brilliance of your team while grounding it to something solid is to continually give them perspective on their process.  Think of it like a Pyramid of Perspective…

So, where’s your vantage point?  Each of the levels on this pyramid represent different viewpoints of perspective.  In the way that you lead and communicate, you can come from any of the levels of the pyramid, each one coloring your message and influence differently.  The deeper you go on the pyramid, the more foundation of grounded perspective you bring to the team.  As a leader, you’ve got some choices…

Even more on this in Chapter #13 of TapIntoGreatness!

WHEN- Coming from this place, you’re concerned with time (usually never enough), the schedule and the deliverable deadlines.  For a competitive team, When is an important and effective driver for them to get to their results and come together before another team beats them to it.  High achievers often do their best work under pressure, so time and an impending constraint of When can bring out their best. As a leader, it’s important that you leverage that as a motivator without becoming the watch-checker. If you cross that line to become overly concerned with time, your team can dismiss you as valuing time over content or process quality.

• Build and show timelines to give your team a sense of how their process will play out in concrete terms, and give them a sense of “we are here” on the map.

• Adjust the timeline as you go, making space for their emergent process as they collaborate.

• Strategically, use time and deliverables to create urgency when needed. Deadlines spur action.

HOW- Here, the focus is on the process, the steps and the way we get there. If you’ve got a team of individuals coming from successful yet diverse disciplines and experiences, the How will be important to them. They can get stuck on How your team is approaching the work, attached to a particular process to achieve results from their previous world. I’ve seen potentially brilliant teams crumble because they couldn’t get aligned on process.  How your team goes about its impressive disruption is ultimately your call as the leader. It’s critical, because How your team does its magic may be the very thing that sets you apart from your competitors and defines your brand. Yet if you’re overly skewed on form and checking off every box just so, they’ll feel micromanaged and stifled, without enough creativity.

• Direct the approach, honoring and incorporating their expertise, then getting their buy-in on why X is the best way for the team. As the leader, be the keeper of the process.

• Get alignment on it early, check in and adjust course often, looking to make sure the How is tapping their talent consistently and providing a way for it to manifest in great work.

WHAT- This is the outcome or result you’re going for. Achievers and concrete thinkers on your team will always need this to be as clear as possible. If it’s not, they’ll each come to the team’s work with their own interpretation of What you’re trying to accomplish, which can be problematic when they clash with one another. While they each may hold their own important piece in the puzzle, they all need to be working toward the same picture on the box lid to guide them together. Clear focus on the What elevates the team’s dynamic and conversation to a common goal and a reason to rally in collaboration. The more vividly they’re able to envision the outcome they’re going for, the more they’ll be pulled to it, causing the How and When to fall into place to make it happen.

• Get What your team is going for- the change you’re trying to impact- clear and concrete.

• Have the team articulate the goal, get it visually up on the wall of your workspaces, and keep reiterating it for them.

• If the result you’re going for is ambiguous, then set shorter term What milestones along the course for them to focus on and hit.

WHY- All the layers of the pyramid are key in keeping your team and the work focused on the right things at the right times. And Why is is the one that makes the difference between managing and really leading people. The Why both trumps and grounds everything above it on that pyramid, because it gets to the heart of motivation.  This could be what brought them all onboard with you in the first place- a mission to ________ (fill in accordingly). It’s their cause, their call, their drive to do the work and push through to the other side. It brings it all back to purpose which is energizing, clarifying and even calming.  For you as the leader, getting the Team Why clear and articulated is the most important thing of all, after which everything else (What, How and When) is about execution.  This is the conviction that makes the game matter, and the impact of their efforts bigger in the world. It’s what engages these individual brilliant people on your team, bringing their separate Whys and visions of what’s possible in the world to this work together.

• As a leader of disruption, you see the layers of Why to the work. Sort and prioritize them, then keep bringing it back to focus for your team.

• Lead your team with the Why. Tell the Why. Ask the Why. Every time, every conversation, every day.

• Open with the Why, then layer the What, How and When on top.

THE BIG WHY- The deepest level of individual personal drive we all have is our Big Why… why we’re doing this in the great scheme of life. This is our biggest game, truest purpose, greatest good and what gets us out of bed in the morning.

Steve Jobs: “To make a dent in the universe.”

As a leader, get clear about yours. Once you do, it will come through as the passion that fuels everything else you do, and will serve as inspiration for every person you lead.

You also need to get  … their individual Big Whys. Once you know their WHY, it can be very powerful, giving you a way to frame communication with them- an entrance into their world at any moment.  When they’re in need of motivation, acknowledgment or perspective, you can frame it in the most meaningful way for what matters most to them.  Their why is their buy-in, and your why can be their inspiration.

Once you’re grounded in this deepest, most stable part of the pyramid, the others- WHAT, HOW, and WHEN are easy to reference and command as needed, because they’re truly held in perspective of the biggest Why.

• If you don’t already know them, find the Big Whys for each on your core team… by asking them!  While this is getting to what’s most essential to people’s core, many don’t talk much about it or even think of it consciously to the level of easy articulation. Getting them to unearth it will help them get more passionate about what their doing, and help you to lead them more accurately.

• As you ask, know that these questions are the kind that may require people to search a little internally for if they haven’t already clarified it for themselves. Give them space to think about it and then ask in layers…

You may ask them, “So why do you do this?”

They may say, “because I’m intrigued by X kinds of challenges,” or some other such practical but not meaningful answer.

You then follow up simply with, “Why are these kinds of challenges intriguing to you?”

They might answer, “Because I really care about X…”

You probe, “Why do you care so much about X?”

…until you’ve asked five levels into their Why. Think of it as helping them peel the layers back on the onion of their Big Why, getting down to their most fundamental Big Why beneath.

As you lead and manage every day, the art of it is to keep perspective for yourself and your team. When, How, What, Why are each important in different ways,  can demand its own hyper focus, and can become consuming if you’re not careful.   Picture yourself as standing at any level on the pyramid, grounded at that level,  easily able to reach every level above it. If you’re standing all the way up in When, you can’t even see, let alone reach the others below you. The deeper you go on the pyramid, the better your perspective is, allowing each of the other levels to fall into place. Standing and starting with Why, you can layer, reference, tap and pull from What, How and When easily, without getting sucked in to them and losing your vantage point.

Your perspective colors how you choose, lead and relate… so keep yourself grounded.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013

You Are Reaction... A Choice.

Everything is a reaction to something else.  Everything’s a setup for something. 

Athletes and their coaches study films to spot patterns and nuances in a team and individual player’s game- from which they can learn, tweak and improve.  Slowing an interaction down to be able to see the exact sequence of moves, angles, actions and reactions in a play allows them to make the critical adjustments necessary in their for the difference of a win next time. What if we all did this in our normal lives and patterns?

Action & reaction can be simultaneous. It doesn’t much matter which we call the action or which we call the reaction; both create an interaction, and neither exists without the other.

This is true, and our lives are filled with interactions all day long. They’re so smooth that we rarely question what was an action and what was a reaction. That’s actually a good thing, and keeps us in relationship and moving forward… Most of the time.

While looking at the overall interaction of things is a healthy way to go, sometimes we should look a little closer.

We know that Sir Isaac Newton was right. But not just in physical science… if we break it down, we can see that for every action, there really is a reaction that occurs from it in human dynamics as well. This is helpful in understanding our own patterns.

When certain triggers (actions) occur, we react. Similar or repeated triggers make for reinforced reactions. Some of those are awesome and healthy, and some aren’t. Every single time we repeat an action or reaction, we’re rewiring our brain for those behaviors- strengthening and myelinating those neural pathways of response, which ultimately become the way we run whether we intended it or not. It’s like your pattern of typing mistakes on your smartphone- the software learns your patterns and then compensates for them (supposedly, although my phone just doesn’t get that I mean of instead of if), so you don’t even notice them anymore (mimicking the brain). In our own human reactions to other people and situations these patterns and compensations are created too, and before we know it, we’ve got some new default settings we didn’t even plan for and may not even notice… Habits. And sometimes they’re unhealthy, unproductive habits. Let’s fix that…

The more self-work you do, the more you start to see your own patterns. A client once described this self-awareness that develops “like having a rear-view mirror on yourself all the time”- noticing things about how you operate which you just wouldn’t see otherwise.

It’s one thing to notice behavior patterns. It’s quite another to choose to interrupt or change them. This is an important step on the road to growth, to be sure.

Example: “I spend a whole lot of time on Facebook during the day which isn’t productive, so I’m going to limit my time on Facebook to 10 minutes at night and that’s it.”

Okay, good. Behavior changed- much better than whiling away hours of productivity on auto-pilot.

And yet…

That tactical approach may or may not really help to get at the real issue- what this Facebook habit is actually a reaction to. If we skip over this, then just limiting the Facebook time isn’t going to solve much or get at the root trigger- in fact it might just spawn another reaction pattern/habit to replace it instead (like eating, let’s say), which I’ll just have to deal with 10 pounds later when that becomes a problem, too.

Instead…

Look at the initial action or trigger that your behavior is reacting to:

“Whenever I get news I don’t like or have to deal with situation XX or person YY, I tend to get on Facebook, which is actually sucking up a lot of time and killing my productivity.”  

Better.

Now we’re looking at what really needs attention, which wasn’t really the Facebook habit at all, but what it was a reaction to. That surf time was successfully diverting my attention from something I didn’t want to face, and compensating with something that felt a lot better in the moment to focus in on (the brain loves instant gratification). Once I realize this, I see that limiting my Facebook time isn’t actually going to help me to more easily deal with bad news or my XY situation…and then I can separate the trigger and the reaction apart. From there I can make a smarter, more effective adjustment which will have more lasting impact.

So maybe what we need is a giant pause button, to be able to freeze our own action like in the game films, so we can rewind and take a look at what we’re doing and what we’re reacting to over and over into habits without realizing it.

It’s about going a bit deeper.  Here’s how you can do this…

To get past the most obvious behavior you think you need to change and see the bigger pattern of action-reaction-pattern, you have to ask yourself a few key questions (we’ll stick with the FB example) like 

1. Why? What? When? Who? How often?… 

Why am I doing this?

“Because I like to see what other people are doing and share out with my ‘friends’ on Facebook.” Maybe. Plus…

Deeper layer: “It feels better to focus on someone else’s life/thoughts instead of my own or put some finite positive thoughts out there rather than deal with these other ones.”

When do I tend to do it?

Whenever I get news I don’t like or have to deal with a negative person like XX.

Certain situations trigger these reactive patterns which divert our attention from something we’d rather not feel or deal or think about. The more persistent a situation is, the more you may not even notice your reactive response, now fully engrained as a habit.

It could be certain times of day as triggers associated with certain tasks (like when you have a deadline to hit which you’re avoiding) or events (like the night before a business trip, every time).

It also could be certain conditions (like when you get less than X hours of sleep)…

Particular people are absolutely triggers for you.  That can be a good thing or a bad thing. If bad, then your reactive pattern could be so habitual that you could actually miss this person showing up in a positive way (because you’re expecting the worse), and miss an opportunity with them.

What am I getting out of it?

I get to focus on something more positive. Sure, but…                                                  
Deeper: I get some acknowledgment and validation (at least from my Facebook world). I get to be heard.

We’re always getting something out of what we’re doing, or we wouldn’t be doing it.  Categorically it’s as simple as avoiding pain or seeking pleasure, although…

Pain = difficulty, fear, or discomfort of any kind.  Pleasure = validation, attention, confidence, inclusion, acknowledgment, control, power… but could also be learning, accomplishing, creating…

How often?

Um… a lot, every day. 

Reactions repeated become habits.                                                                                
Habits with an edge of need to them (depending on how strong you’re reacting from something) can become crutches.                                                                                
Crutches with a strong “feels so much better” response can become addictions.

Addictions, no matter how innocently they started are really hard to break, and can become much bigger than the initial trigger you were trying to avoid in the first place.

2. Handle the intial trigger. 

Once you find the trigger, address it by itself instead of allowing yourself to react in a way that may or may not help you in the long run.

I have a hard time hearing negative feedback and persistently negative people. So- I’m going to try some new strategies for being able to hear negative feedback in a constructive way and interact with negative people in a way that I don’t absorb it. I’ll talk with XX about our communication to see if we can change the negative pattern there. 

You are a creature of reaction. You can also change your own patterns to be more intentional, so you’re not a creature of reactive unhealthy habits. So strategize outside the moment of trigger, since that’s when your thinking is most compromised.

3. Study and tweak your own game.

Pay attention to your patterns.

Pause yourself, rewind and break it down.

Notice what’s happening first in your interactions, and how you can tweak/address the reaction pattern itself rather than waiting until it becomes a set, myelinated and reinforced habit down the road (and doesn’t solve the issue anyhow).

Did I mention addressing those triggers and interrupt your pattern as early as possible? Yeah- it’s that important.

4. Set yourself up. 

You actually can be less reactive and more pro-active, to respond the way you know will be best for you. You now know how to change your own State. You even know how to trigger and anchor the best and most productive States. So… for this, as you choose a new response (in a sane moment), try it, anchor it, then hold yourself to it when the trigger hits next. Debrief after, and be honest about whether the new response is working or not. If not, try another. Or another. Or go back to #1, and re-address what’s going on. It’s worth it.

Everything is a reaction to something else.  And everything’s a setup for something…                                                                                                                         
So set yourself up for intentional, healthy patterns, which will trigger even more of them.

©SarahSinger&Co. 2013